Haven’t written much lately.
It’s kind of hard to write your thoughts when you don’t even have much time to actually sit down and think about what’s going on. In the whirlwind of events that have been occurring lately, it was difficult for me to find the refuge to really debunk what is going on in my mind. While others find such focus and productivity beneficial I personally find such empty mindedness detrimental, because I’m not necessarily filling up that space with the presence of God. So if this post lacks Scripture or anything profound I apologize, I’m just trying to gather my thoughts for once.
The past two seasons have been especially difficult for me. The fire that I attained coming into the fall is definitely not burning as brightly as I hoped it would. However, this doesn’t go to say that my faith hasn’t grown or hasn’t changed through the trials, apathy and complacency. I’ve come to believe that sometimes even our emotions can be viewed as works. “If I only do this, then I’ll be a better Christian, if I read my Bible more then I’ll win the favor of God, if only I was more passionate, then I’d be able to be worthy of His presence.”
I know this seems like a ploy to get people to be comfortable and remain in apathy but I think it’s just the opposite. I believe there’s a difference between passion and faith, being spiritually on fire and being spiritually persistent in our walk. There should be no talk of “oh, I’m not right with God right now” because it wasn’t us who got right with Him in the first place anyways. Without His sacrifice and His common grace there wouldn’t have been the opportunity to even be on fire or even attain that passion for serving Him.
That’s why I think that the season of dryness calls for even more devotion, even more Bible reading, and even more prayer. Because while that fire may help us burn brightly, it is the practice of devotion and discipline of faith that will be the feeding of coal that helps that fire continue to burn in the future.
Like I said, the past months have been very tough for me. Always surrounded by my dance teams and fellowships, I find myself exhausted through all the interaction so when I finally get the one or two hours at home, I’m not sure what to do with myself. God feels distant and I feel unworthy to be in His presence because my heart and mind have been all over the place. Work is routine. While I can’t say I have a bad job, I don’t love it and have very little passion for what I’m doing. On top of these things, I’ve felt a crushing loneliness that never really seems to go away, with or without people.
In these times, do I have the emotional capability to really feel as exuberant and passionate about my faith as I normally would? Probably not. Most days I just want this life to end, I want everything to be over with, but I still pick up my Bible, I still cry out in prayer, and most of all I still have faith. I still remember His promise, His sacrifice and His love. Unfortunately it may not evoke the emotional reaction that it should, but I think that we need to remember that we are children of God not only by works or not even through emotion but by a rebirth through Jesus Christ.
And so I think the key is simply to look towards Him and walk, never looking away, regarlesss of how slow or fast you are going. Because through Him, at the end of the day whether you feel super gung ho about everything or not, through faith God can look at you at say “this is my beloved son in whom I am well pleased”, and if we continue to remember that I believe that sooner or later it’ll resonate in our hearts like how it’s supposed to. So through faith, we have to push and fight and pursue Him a midst all of our complaining and struggling. Through faith, regardless of our spiritual highs and lows we have to keep praying and carrying out the opportunities of serving that God has laid out before us. And then through faith, maybe one day that fire in our hearts will begin to burn brightly again.