Daily Life Journal

It’s been a while since I’ve actually written something to accompany my pictures for my Project Life. Today is going to be the day I document some things, and just note some things that have been going on in my life, and what I’ve been up to.

I’ll start from June 29, 2011 and go from there. That night, I started making a gift to give to babe for our 3 Month Anniversary that was 2 days away. I thought about it for quite some time, but actually got stated on the project today, as it needed time to dry and set, and I needed to add more things to it. When it was all done and said, on our anniversary day, I gave her a little piece of art that I made. In the middle, I painted <3 nice and big, in red, and on the top, I wrote “less than 3” in large print. That was followed by a series of very small print, all statements that started with “less than 3…”

The 4th of July weekend was filled with Family. It was the first time that babe was meeting my parents, and I wasn’t nervous at all. I knew my parents would love her, not only because of her personality, but because she had qualities and attributes I know my parents value and find important. The following day, my parents met her parents at her house. Then, babe met Hai’s parents, Chi Thuy and all my nephews and niece for the first time. At the end of it, it all went well. We talked about some difficult topics, but we talked and discussed them no problem. In the end of it, we were even stronger than before.

This week really reinforced a lot of things and I really believe it made not only my relationship with my Pb even stronger, but it reminded me of how far I’ve come and how strong I am now. It reminded me of how far away rock bottom seems now, how high I’ve risen since then. I was reminded of how my outlook and vision, in general, are so positive. Once when I use to over analyze everything because I wanted to ensure that I was, mentally, prepared for EVERYTHING in life, EVERY SINGLE POSSIBLE avenue and every single thing that could go wrong, I thought about, to ensure that the chances of me being “unprepared” were slim-to-none. Regardless of the outcome of that type of mindset, it’s so astonishing and amazing where I am now, and without even having to think about it, my mind already does this on its own: no longer do I stress about possibilities. No longer do I worry about non-sense, and things that don’t matter in my life. As I sit here and think about how my mindset is now, I’m amazed at how my mind does this so flawlessly and without effort. Because of the positive influences in my life, the positive influences I HAND-SELECT to be in my life, that I HAND-SELECT to surround myself with, contributes to this mindset. My mind focuses all its energy on things that are important to me. It focuses on being a good older brother. It focuses on being a good friend to those who I’m fortunate to call me a friend. It focuses on being a good son. It focuses on being a good man to my Pb. It focuses on things that make life better, more enjoyable, more pleasurable, more meaningful. The events and the topics of discussion this week reminded me of how strong I am now, how strong I’ve been for these past few months. The topics did not phase me one bit, and although I cannot control the natural human tendency to have emotions and feelings, I kept my composure as well as I know how and focused not on the exact topic but what it meant in the bigger picture, the bigger scheme of things. In the grander scale called LIFE, these things are simply discussion items but are hardly anything that has ANY effect on the quality of life I chose to live everyday, the quality of life that I ensure that babe has everyday also. This week, we talked about things that we could go on and on and on about, and we talked about some things that we would be OK with never speaking about again. The end of this week symbolizes strength in ourselves, and strengths in our relationship. We came out 100x closer, 100x stronger, 1000x more madly and deeply in love with one another.

Today’s picture, represents my Moleskine journal, which I first found out about from my Pb since she has been using it for years. My original intent for wanting to buy it was to write in it each and every time I felt something that I did not want to talk or tell babe YET, in fear that it MIGHT, that 1%, might scare her. Today, today, babe mentioned something to me, and I knew that the time was now. I don’t live by timelines, and I don’t live by deadlines, not when it comes to non-work/school related stuff. I don’t tell myself, I HAVE to have a kid by age xx, I don’t tell myself, I HAVE to get married by age xx. I don’t force things, and I certainly do not want to feel like my decision making is influenced by a deadline approaching. That is not how I want to live my life. With that said, without giving away too many hints or details of what I had in store before today that already is a work in progress, I didn’t have a set “time” or “date” or “duration” for what I was writing about. But, I knew that, one day, will be the day. So today, when babe told me what she thought about, everyday, I just HAD to share with her that, besides “my thoughts exactly,” that I, too, have been thinking the same. And, I am SO glad that we are on the same page with that. Before she told me, she mentioned that she didn’t want it to scare me. And in the back of my mind, I thought 2 things: 1. nothing can scare me with us and 2. here I was, this whole time, thinking it might scare HER if I brought it up too soon/early (btw, I do not feel like there is a “too early” or “too soon” to tell someone how you feel about them, I do NOT live by relationship/social rules, but that’s just me). Anyways, I have to be vague about this topic as, I was keeping it on the hush hush until the day. Anyways…”lets go…” :)

I spent some time just thinking about how far I’ve come and how I am completely flabbergasted, astonished, surprised, in disbelief, that I am where I am today, that I have my Pb in my life, and not only that, but everything that she provides and everything that comes with her being in my life, makes me feel so lucky, so damn grateful, and thankful, that she is who she is, and she’s not afraid to show me and love me with ALL her heart, every single day, with no hesitations or doubt. She loves me for ME, the ME I thought I’d never be able to see. I think all the time about what I possibly did in my life to deserve such a caring, loving, wonderful,  beautiful, and perfect-to-me person as my Pb is, and although I still have not figured it out, I am SO THANKFUL and count my blessings every single day that she’s here with me, the capacity that she has been and continues to be, day in and day out. There is no length of blog that I could type that would come close to even illustrating the positiveness and the love that comes with having my Pb by my side, AAF. I love her, with all my heart, and I can’t wait to continue spending our life, and our future, together.

As I thought back and reflected on what got me to where I am today, I can never thank my brother Tony, my cousin Hai, my parents, Han, Lynna, and #interbayfam enough. Last year, was a year of learning, and a year that God taught me some life lessons. By allowing me to get to rock bottom, I feel like he was testing my strength and determination to overcome those internal battles, to see if I really had the internal strength to get back on my feet, to stand up eight, after falling seven. There were times when I honestly did not have the strength to want to overcome it. There were times when I honestly saw no hope and saw nothing positive in life. But it was OK, because over the span of that time, I convinced myself, and I made myself believe that it was OK to think that this was just life was all about, that I’d never fit in, that I’d never find anyone who really made me feel free to be MYSELF, without fear of judgement or ridicule. I convinced myself that I would never find acceptance, that no one would truly love me for ME, for all the quirky, weird, and abnormal stuff that I like, believe in, and the things that I enjoy. But, my brother Tony was there, to just chillax with me, to make sure I was occupied, to make sure that I was surrounded by only people that loved me. He brought me into #interbayfam and there, I found friendship, acceptance, and freedom to be myself. I am so used to being big brother, and doing whatever I can to make sure that my little brother has a good life with as little difficulties as I can control, to share my wisdom and experiences with him so that he can make more informed decisions. But during this time frame, although it wasn’t the verbal communication that was important, but it was the bond, and the knowing that he had my back, and that he wanted to see me stand again, to stand up and be the brother that he’s used to seeing. I feel like he feeds off my strength, and it was tough for me to know that I was showing weakness in front of him. But, without him, I would not be where I am today as a result. My cousin, Hai, we just have a really good bond, a bond that extends as far back as when he was old enough to remember. The things that we share and the times we hang out, reminds me of who I am in my family and the type of influence I am. I started my 365 page because of him, and SO MUCH good has come from that simple idea of joining Tumblr. And I don’t know how he convinced me, because I usually hate anything online/social networking related. But, I am SO GLAD and SO THANKFUL that he got me into this Project 365 idea, because if he hadn’t I would have not met the love of my life and I would have not been as happy and in love like I am now. Han, too, saw me at my lowest and worst, and the day that I told her about my arm was the day that we happened to build upon a friendship that always existed but wasn’t anything more than her being Tony’s gf. I feel like an older brother to Han as well, and although I don’t necessarily ask her for advice, the fact that she too wanted to see me standing again, and just being there to keep my mind from wandering into the darkness, we developed a relationship where I can also share my experiences with her in hopes that she too can make informed decisions. Han, one of my few close friends, accepts me for who I am, and around Tony and her, I am not afraid to be my true self. Lynna and #interbayfam: you guys are something else. You took me in, and showed me friendship that I never saw before. You gave me companionship and trust, and also allowed me the environment to not be afraid to be myself. You made me feel like I wasn’t just Tony’s brother, that I was a “bro.” For all you guys, I am truly grateful. And for the select that are in my life, I love you. With all my heart, and for having my back and helping me stand up again. I fell seven times, and thought I’d never get back up. I feel seven times, and without you guys, I would not have been able to stand up eight, and STAY HERE. Dark days are over, and a brand new chapter starts in my life.

As soon as I find a job in Orange County, I will begin the process of selling my first house and buying my second. Again, no set deadline.

It’s not a matter of if, it’s a matter of when.