because-no

2

For a second I was just a kid – a kid who had lived all of his life in the same tiny town. Just a child. Because I knew I would have to live a lot more, suffer a lot more, to ever understand the searing agony in Edward’s eyes.

okay, I’ve reconsidered this question, and I have some more thoughts about attractiveness as a person who is Not Attractive and never has been, and will not be, barring an act of god or the sudden discovery of a passion for exercise.

(the former being more likely than he latter)

Because a lot of people (advice columns, mothers, etc.) respond to the question of attractiveness with suggestions about changing your mode of presentation–dress in a way that gives you confidence! they say, That’s what’s really attractive! If you think you look good, you’ll feel better about yourself!

Very few of those people mention how much effort, time, thought, and money has to go into “looking good.” Fewer ask whether you care about wanting to look good, or talk about the fact that such advice just seems to swap out one societal standard for another.

And they especially don’t talk about how “looking good” is not an attainable thing for everyone. Because the truth of the matter is some people are just not attractive by the definition society gives. Yeah, we can talk about how unfair that standard is, how it seems like the be-all-end-all for women, how narrow and white that hole is–look, it’s a fucking stupid standard, but it’s there, and the weight of it is real. And the reality is that short of an invisibility cloak, nothing is going to hide the fact that I am a size 16. I can pack on the concealer and do my eyeliner divinely, but the truth is I have some spectacular acne scarring on my cheeks; long sleeves will hide my stretch marks but I can’t will them out of existence. I can’t “look good” I can only look passable, look like I'm trying. That’s the closest I get.

(in fact, when I dress up nicely, I tend to feel like the whole world becomes insincere–people tell me I look nice in the way that they tell a little girl wearing her mother’s lipstick she looks nice. bless her heart look at the fat girl trying to be a person isn’t she adorable)

So what you do instead, is you choose another standard. You say, I will never be beautiful, but I can be smart and kind and fierce and true, I can do good work, make and mend, I can be a friend and a sister, I can live my life the best way I know how and that is enough that is more than enough. That is a higher, harder, truer, finer calling than being beautiful. 

It doesn’t quite drown out all the voices telling you that your worth is determined on a ten-point scale, but it helps.

Alma. Check your battery.

1. Yesterday at work I learned how much of a badass I am when I had to use the cotton from a bottle of diet pills as a tampon because I had nothing else and before you start lecturing me on germs and shit you should know the only thing I ever get sick of is mens bullshit. I’m like a menstruating MacGyver. Can’t stop won’t.  unless I get pulled over. 

2. Tomorrow night I get to go to a comedy show, (I’m on the “list” but considering how well my last “on the list” experience turned out it might just backfire. Screech from Saved by the Bell will be there, and me in all my fat glory will also be there as well. I’m no Kelly K, but I’d like to dust off my diamond. All of this is going over your head I can tell. Google it. just don’t Google me. 

3. I accidentally walked into the mens bathroom today I was in such I hurry since I get exactly .6 seconds to pee and it was filled with Lacrosse players and I’m pretty sure every single one of them was completely disturbed at my presence. Which I get. I am also disturbed at that. I immediately turned around and just peed my pants so I didn’t have to risk the humiliation of entering another bathroom in that monstrosity of a compound. Love my job. LOVE IT. 

4. It was brought to my attention today that since I have a Federal job now, I have 6 months to go back to school, stop deferring my student loans, or get a night job to pay them. I hate the ginger so much at this point in my life. New rule- never give up anything for those who come into your vagina, only those that come out of it. What I’m saying is, I’m doing all of this for my kids. They are my world. 

5. Thanks to all 3 of you who watched my video. I have this great box of questions that I have been dying to answer with a group of friends, but since I don’t have any I’m just going to answer them with you guys. Feel free to get off that train whenever it feels uncomfortable. Just know I will never do that spread my legs thing on this train. It’s just me putting my shit out there and you guys reminding me I’m not a monkey and to please stop flinging my poo. 

I need to go to bed so I can get my booty sleep, (it’s like beauty sleep but if I do it enough maybe someone will sleep WITH me) hahahah Ruth you are a gem, a cubic zirconia if we’re being honest, but a gem none the less.