A/N: It took me a lot of time and effort, but here you go, Anon. Finally
He turned off the phone and let out a sight as his hand scratched the back of his neck. Once again it turned out to be useless trying to reach you through the phone. And he was trying to be reasonable, but being unable to talk to you gave him a sick feeling on his stomach.
“Nothing?” Himchan argued, not taking his face from his tablet.
“Nothing.” He snorted his answer. “It is like she doesn’t want to talk to me anymore.” Letting his phone fall in the bed, he stared at the ceiling with his eyebrows frowned.
“Maybe she is busy.”
“She can’t be busy for the whole week, Himchan.” No. something was wrong and he was feeling it on his heart. But what could he do? He was in the beginning of a four-month-long world tour and there were things he had to do and things he had to put effort into doing. He couldn’t just worry about you all the time. Biting his bottom lips, he swore he would not waste time worrying. Probably you were fine. Probably you were busy. Probably….probably. He made up a lot of scenarios on his head in a way of keeping himself from freaking out.
But in the end, it didn’t help.
The first month, he was sure you were avoiding him. He called your number four or five times a day only to see if you were going to pick up eventually. The second month, he was beyond angry and scared. He became someone quite rude and also easily startled, and because of that, it was easy to see Jongup and Junhong avoiding his company most of the times. The third month was the worse. He spent every waking moment trying to reach you. He called all the friends you had and asked them about you. What he received was a bunch of evasive answers, which made quite clear to him that they were hiding something.
Uncertainty grew in his heart even though he tried to keep it away. He started to let his doubts and jealous feed his imaginations and soon enough he was sure you had left Korea with your new boyfriend. That you never really loved him and that you didn’t even have the guts to tell him goodbye.
“You really have to relax!” he looked up to meet Himchan’s eyes and bite his tongue. The last thing he needed now was to get scolded by anyone.
“Don’t even start…”
“No, BBang! You gotta listen, ok?” the younger one crouched in front of him and took Yongguk’s hands on his owns. “I know you are angry and frustrated. I know. I got it. We all got it, ok? And we are also worried about her. But you can’t let it consume you.”
It was easier to say than to do and as much as he wanted, he couldn’t help it. Sadness grew inside him even though he fought if really hard. And as the weeks pass by, he was both anxious and scared to come back to Korea and face the reality where you were no longer his girlfriend. And that day came sooner than he thought.
Arriving at the dorm, the first thing he did pay attention at was the stuffed animal you gave him on his birthday – the grayish-blue shark from Finding Nemo that you claim having the same smile as him. He stared at it, a single blue point on a sea of orange tigers, and he couldn’t help his eyes to watered. Where have you gone? Why everyone was keeping things hidden from him?
His right hand went to his pocket and grabbed his phone and he saw himself searching your picture on the screen. That was so unfair. He called you again and stood in silence. He was hoping you wasn’t going to answer, so when he heard a child’s voice saying hello, he felt a kick on his stomach.
“Who is talking?”
“Is this _____’s phone? Who are you?”
“My name is Yeonbi. What’s your name?” the sweet girly voice made his anxiety calms down a little. “Are you there?”
“I’m here. Hi, Yeonbi. I’m Yongguk.” He heard and long sweet hi from the girl. “Do you know where ____-ah is?”
“Yes.” She answered. “She is in the other room.”
“Other room? What room?”
“I can’t tell you.”
“Because she told me not to.” She said in a low voice. “Is she mad at you?”
“I don’t know. Why are you asking?”
“Because she saved your number as ‘don’t answer that’. Did you make her mad?”
“I don’t think so.” He whispered, biting his lips. “Where are you?”
“I’m in my room. Actually it is our room. We share the room. It is really nice because we always stay up late and talk. We are friends, you know.” She got silence for a minute and he was holding his breath without noticing. “She is very sad. She cries everyday when she thinks I’m already sleeping.”
“She does. She doesn’t like being here. I don’t like it too.”
He was about to ask something else when he heard another voice on the other side of the line. “Who are you talking to, Yeonbi-ah?”
“I’m talking to my new friend!”
“Is your friend coming to visit you?”
“Who is this?”
“This is nurse Sakawa. She is very nice. She is my friend too!”
“Nurse? Are you on a hospital?”
“Yes.” Before he could ask anything else, the nurse asked the girl to finish the call because the doctor was coming to examine her. “I have to go now. They will come to torture me with a thousand needles.”
She hung up without further notice and Yongguk felt himself being dragged back to reality. When Himchan got into the room, looking for him, he found a pale version of his leader, sitting on his bed with tears trails all over his cheeks. “What the hell?” he rushed to him and cup his face on his hands. “BBang? What’s wrong?” There was a sight that Himchan thought he would never witness: Bang Yongguk staring blankly at some point on the wall with not reaction whatsoever to his call.
“She….she is….she is in the hospital.”
“Who?” but he soon understood that he was talking about you. “____-ah?”
“I don’t know.”
“Nobody told me! I called her and this weird kid answered and said they were both in the hospital but she hung up before telling me what hospital she is in.” he got up, getting rid of his friend’s touch and rubbing his face. “ I have to find her. I…I have to find her!”
“Get you things. Let’s find her.”
What started with enthusiasm became a heroic search for you. They went to six hospitals before they could find the one you were at but they arrived late and the visiting hours has passed. They were sent home without seeing you and Yongguk passed the whole night awake, thinking about what was happening. The receptionist couldn’t give him any information about you and it made him even more unease. When morning came he was already walking all over the dorm while the others were still sleeping. And as soon as he could, he took his way back to the hospital to see you.
Passing the reception, they gave him your room number and he found your best friend on the hallway there. She looked at him in disbelief and straightened her posture, ready for the storm she knew was coming. “You are here…”
“Not thanks to you.” He answered in a bitter tone. Fuck, he was beyond angry for being kept in the dark. “Nice job hiding me whatever happened to her!”
“I only did what she asked me to.”
“And do you think it is fair? Really? Keeping me afar from everything that happened? I don’t even know how long has she been here! And, guess what, no one can even bother to fucking tell me what the hell happened to her!”
As his tone began to get louder, she shushed him and grabbed his left arm. Her eyes were a beautiful dichotomy between the fire of her angry and the water of her tears. “Stop yelling, this is a hospital, ok?” she grunted. “I don’t think it was fair not to tell you anything. I wish I could, but she asked me not to. Believe me, if it was my call, I would have you dragged over here on the minute she had the accident. It wouldn’t matter that you were on a world tour or how famous you are. If it was my call…if it was my decision….I would never let her pass through all this shit without you.” The tears falling over her face made him swallow half of his anger. “I would drag you here and knot you to her bed so she would never be alone. I would…I wouldn’t let her be so sad…I…I…” finally, she was speechless and she let her tears fall while he was staring awkwardly. “It wasn’t fair, but she was sparing you from all this. She sacrificed herself for you. So if you raise your voice and try to argue with her about how unfair this situation is, I swear to God, I’ll break this pretty smile your fans cherish so much!”
“I didn’t come here to yell at her and you know that.”
“Do I?” she raised one of her eyebrows “Literally the first thing you did here was trying to start an argument. Look..I know we don’t really like each other, but we are here because of someone we both love, ok? I know you love her and I know you will take care of her. She is a mess. She is a complete mess. She is suffering and I just…I don’t know how to help her. So it’s up to you, now. Can you do this?”
“I can. And you can trust me on this.” They stare at each other and she nod.
“Come here. There is a couple of things I have to explain to you before you go in.” She took him to the cafeteria and slowly explained him everything. The accident and all that you have been through. After the long monologue, she walked by his side back to your room. “Here you go, Bang Yongguk. I’m letting my friend on your hands. Don’t fuck up!”
Yongguk stared at the door and throughout the small glass square on it, he spotted you lying on the bed. He felt all his words swallowing down his throat as he stood there, watching you through the glass.
“Com’on, Yongguk. I trusted you on this. Don’t start disappointing me so soon.”
He glared at her with the corner of his eyes and she was staring right back to him, her arms crossed on her chest and an air of arrogance all over her face. In a way, she was annoying. On the other hand, he was glad you had someone so concerned about your well being. So he finally found strength to get in the room. As he passed in, your head turned on his direction almost by instinct and you widened your eyes, not wanting to believe that he was standing there, looking at you.
He was a mess. The dark circles under his eyes were the indubitable evidence that he had no sleep. His bottom lip was shaking and his eyes – what could you say about those deep, dark and fragile eyes?-. You stared at each other in silence and you bit your bottom lip, furrowing your brows. “Wh-…?” desperation was growing into you and you felt you hands start to shake. Ashamed, you tried to look away and free yourself from his stare, but you found that impossible. You tried to call out his name and ask why was he there, but talk was too hard.
Watching the pain dancing in your eyes, Yongguk himself was suffering with his inner conflicts. He wanted to talk, but he seemed to have swallowed all his words. Not having what to say and seeing your pain, he did the only thing he could: he crossed the distance between you two, leaned over and hugged you tight. “I missed you so much.” He didn’t bother that your arms didn’t hugged him back. He didn’t care you were in silence. He just kept you in his arms, clutching onto you as you were a lifeboard. “I missed you. I missed you so much.”
In a minute you were overflowed with tears and you fought really hard to keep a sob inside you, but it was useless. “Gukkie…” You hugged him back and let yourself relax, intensely crying as he kept whispering how much he missed you.
“I’m sorry it took me so long.” He mumbled. “I’d have come earlier if I knew all about it.” He was still holding you and when he mentioned to step back, you hugged him tighter, not letting him be apart from you. You just couldn’t lose the warmth of his body against you.
“My legs….” You whimpered. Your parted lips were shaking and your vision was blury. “Gukkie….my legs. My legs.”
“I know. I know, Jagiya. I know.” He whispered back, trying to calm you down.
You called his name again and again until it became some sort of a mantra and he kept his arms around you, soothing you patiently. When you finally stop weeping and your voice got strong enough to talk, you stuttered a question. “H-How…how did you find me?”
He shrugged. “It doesn’t really matter, jagi.” He kissed you shoulder softly. “Nothing in this world can keep me away from you.” He got away from you and you lowered your head, avoiding his eyes. His hands cup your face and his thumbs passed over your cheeks, wiping away the tears. “Don’t ever keep me in afar from you again. I can’t handle being away when you need me that much.”
“I…I didn’t want you…” you risked a look at his eyes and he was looking back with the sweetest look ever. “I didn’t want you to see me like that.”
“Like some incomplete broken thing.”
“ Do you remember the first time we met? My phone has died and you let me use yours. Do you remember it? Cause I remember the shy way you asked me for an autograph saying you were my fan and how you avoid looking at me the whole time. I remember I called Himchan because I knew that you number would be saved on his phone, and the next day, when I called to thank you again, you answered me with: Yongguk, who?” the memory made you smiled a little. You never told him the reason you didn’t realize he was the one talking that day was because you had just woke up. “I remember every single text we sent to each other. I remember every talk. I remember all of our dates and, mostly, when I’m away, I remember I have you to come back to. You are not a “thing”, you are the woman I love. Do you get it? From the moment I put my eyes on you that day, I knew you were the one.”
“But….I…I’m broken…I’ve been…I’ve been cut in a half.”
“And do you think I’d stop loving you because you lost your legs?”
You crossed your arms, looking away. “Many people do.”
“I’m not one of them.”
“You say that now…but when it start to be troublesome…” you sighed. “I won’t be able to do a lot of things. And I’ll need help to do things that should be easy. I’ll have to adapt my whole life and I don’t think it’s fair to ask you to do the same. You have your career and your band to care about. I can’t ask you to spend your time taking care of some useless chick.”
His face flinched quickly with guilt and pain. If he was by your side throughout all this, you wouldn’t be feeling so vulnerable. “How can you say those things about yourself?”
“I’m only telling you the truth.” You stated. “You think things are going to be easy, but they won’t.”
“I never said it would be easy, but I am saying I can handle it. And I will. I’m not romanticizing this. I know it will be hard. And I know we will have troubles. But, Jagiya, I’m saying that I’m going to be with you. I just can’t stay away.”
“I can’t walk.” You raised your voice a little bit feeling the urge to start crying again. “I can’t and maybe I will never do it again.”
“So I’ll carry you.” His soft voice made it really hard to keep the tears from falling down. “I’ll carry you, Jagiya.”
“I’m not afraid of adapting my whole life to make room for you.” He kissed your forehead and you entangled your fingers on his shirt, closing your eyes to enjoy the moment. Then his lips went down and kissed you on the tip of your nose and then, after what seemed to you like a whole hour – but it was really only twenty seconds – his lips finally pressed themselves against yours.