babbles

I guess I should make myself clear

If I could get rid of my psychosis, I would. I I could get rid of my OCD, I would. If I could get rid of my BPD, I would. Anxiety, bipolar disorder, insomnia….all gone.

In theory.

But also in theory, once those are gone, I would be gone, too. You can’t spend your whole life as one thing , have it taken away, and still be the same person. This is who I am, aggressive, needy, whiny, self-destructive, grumpy, depressed, nervous, unable to eat properly, constantly devoid of energy. but also sometimes elated, loving, as joyful over something little as most others would only be over the very best things in their life. I feel paranoid, but I feel powerful. I feel isolated, but that’s when I can discover secrets about me and the world. I sometimes may have a tenuous grasp on reality and time, but I can use that to my advantage sometimes. And I can keep a sense of wonder, forever. If I were nt, I wouldn’t be me. But I do hate the symptoms, so, so much, I might choose to be nt if I could.

I found the good in my neurotypes, because you know what? They cause me alot of pain. They can’t be cured, whether I want it or not. So I fucking let myself remember that these symptoms are going to be a big part of who I am for the rest of my life. So I have to find the positives, find pride in who I am, so I can stop hating myself so goddam much. 

I am learning to love myself, and learning to work around my symptoms, cope, and sometimes when possible, lessen symptoms, but that’s about as much as I can do. 

But you know what? I still say “I don’t want to be cured” and what I mean is:

*I want nts to stop treating neurodivergent people as less than them

*I want nts to stop treating nd people as though they shoul;d be cured

*I want nts to stop using eugenics to get rid of nd people

*I want nts to stop being sympathetic to nt parents who kill their disabled children because they “couldn’t handle it”

*I want people to stop institutionalizing nds against their will

*I want people to stop medicating nds against their wills

*I want nts to listen to nds, espcially in regards to their own treatment.

*I want nts to respect us for who we are, not who we would be if we were nt.

*I want nts to stop using tropes that involve taking away a character’s disability unless it’s acknowledged in-story that that’s kinda a shitty thing (for example, a blind character’s eyes are healed, but the character has regrets about doing so. [i used a physical disability only because it’s a real example that I could think of]) Because this plays into the belief that disabled people should be cured, again, because they are considered lesser. If you, a neurodivergent person, want your neurodivergent characters cured, that is your prerogative. But seriously, nts, fuck off.

A story about an introverted teen whos seen as grumpy and rebellious and whos catchphrase seems to be “dont touch me” and who wears really baggy clothing and hair all up in their face tURNS OUT TO BE A SUPERHERO VIGILANTE WHO HOLDS THEIR HAIR BACK WITH A HEADBAND AND IS ACTUALLY HIDING CHISELED MUSCLES UNDERNEATH ALL THAT BAGGY CLOTHING

#163: how he says 'I love you'

Mark: So only you could hear. The rest of the world was loud; it never shut up and it was always irritating, but when you were together, it wasn’t. His voice didn’t have to fight with the sounds around you — you just looked him and he just looked at you and he’d flash a quick smile before looking down at the pavement then back up at you. “Love you,” he says, and it was like he was the only person that existed in the crowd of thousands.

Jr: Written on one of the pages of a book he’s lent you. You turn the page but your eyes gravitate to the margins. Scrawled lightly in pencil, you recognize his handwriting immediately. “I think you’ll like this part,” it says, “I thought of you when I read it first, and I know I’d make you read this one day, so I thought I’d put it here before I forget. Love you.”

JB: Into your hair. Swimming in blankets and his arms wrapped around you, your eyelids start feeling heaving and his chest becomes your pillow as you start falling asleep.. but you feel him squeezing you gently, smiling after he knew he woke you up. He presses his lips into your hair, kissing  your head softly. “Love you,” he whispers, and now you’re both ready to really fall asleep.

Jackson: Before a kiss. He smiles first, then looks at the ground as he takes a step closer to you. His hands find your waist as he slowly pulls you in closer to him so that you can feel the heat radiating off of him.. and then smiles one more time, one of his hands reaching to the back of your neck. “I love you,” he says, and then his eyes fall and his lips are on yours.

BamBam: Halfway through a laugh. He was always laughing and always talking, and he always laughed at everything you said or did. This time you didn’t mean to say something funny, but he still thought it was. He laughs, using one hand to steal yours so that your fingers tangle with his, and then uses his other hand to cover his mouth as he laughed. “Gosh, I love you,” he says, still laughing.

Youngjae: Through text message. He wished he could say it to you in person, but every time he thought about it his cheeks would burn and his stomach would turn, and then the words would get tangled with his tongue and nonsense would spew from his lips.. He was much better through texting (no sweaty palms, either). “I love you,” he writes, “As much as I love to sing.”

Yugyeom: After you’ve fallen asleep. He liked it when you fell asleep first, because then he’d know you were sleeping well (he also thought you looked cute). He smiles as your face evolves into a peaceful expression, wondering what you were dreaming about. He looks at you with soft eyes, yawns, and right as he starts to drift off, “Love you,” he breathes.

  • Phone:10% battery left
  • Charger:not close to me
  • Me:this is it this is the night my phone wont rule me. Ill go to bed at a reasonable time because ill just have to. Im not gonna get up for this and im going to get a good amount of sleep for once.
  • Phone:1%
  • Me:*gets up*

white ppl have made fun of our names for as long as i can remember but the second they watch an anime theyre oh so eager to take our names and butcher pronunciations and butcher our cultures into aesthetics and hide behind accusations of ableism and/or transphobia when we call them racist.

#169: moments you knew he loved you

Mark: “Call me when you get home,” he tells you as he watches you leave. It was his version of an “I love you,” because he wanted to make that the girl he loved would be safe. You laugh, turning around, walking backwards at him as you wave. “I will, don’t worry!” you call back, and you turn back around, turning the corner in the direction of your house. And you knew he loved you then.

Jr: “I let you sleep in,” he says, laughing when you ask him why it was almost one in the afternoon. He turns on the stove and takes out the pancake batter he made this morning. “You were tired so I let you sleep,” he shrugs, grinning at you. He turned off your alarm for you, got your friends to bring you things you missed in class. And he made breakfast. You knew he loved you then.

JB: “I’m not leaving,” he says, eyes piercing into yours. He holds onto both of your hands tightly, not wanting to let you go. You’re scared, you’re angry, and you’re tired, but his eyes stare into yours, and they tell you he’s telling the truth. He didn’t want to let you go mad. He was going to stay until things were better, until he was able to kiss you peacefully. And you knew he loved you then.

Jackson: “Do you want me to stay tonight?” he asks with one arm wrapped around you and the other hand fumbling with yours. He looks down at you, rolled up into his lap and muffled into his chest. You open your mouth but he interrupts you. “And yes, it’ll be okay. I can still go to practice tomorrow,” he says, laughing (he knew you too well), “Anything for you.” And he interlocks his fingers with yours and you knew he loved you then.

BamBam: “Did you sleep last night?” he asks, laughing a bit as you lean on his shoulder. The bus runs over a bump, waking you back up immediately. He laughs again, gently pushing your head back into the crevice of his shoulder. “Sleep,” he says, smiling, “It’s okay.” You nod, yawning, and then feeling his warm arms slipping around you.. And you knew he loved you then.

Youngjae: “I’ll wait for you,” he says, both of his hands holding onto yours. He swings them back and forth as you grin, looking down, then back up at him. He laughs a bit, eyes smiling along with him, and then he nods. “I’ll be here when you’re done,” he says, “Good luck.” He grins again, watching you walk into the school to take your exam. And you knew he loved you then.

Yugyeom: “You look pretty,” he says, sitting on the bed and leaning over to touch your hair gently. You smile, making him smile even wider, and then he tucks a piece of your hair behind your ears, laughing a bit to himself as he leans over to kiss you on the head. It wasn’t much, but knowing he thought you were pretty when you had just woken up and feeling the warmth from his fingers and the touch of his lips.. You knew he loved you then.

do you ever pick a liiiittle itty bit of dry skin off your lips and then all of a sudden YOURE BLEEDING OUT SO BAD YOU MIGHT NEED A BLOOD TRANSFUSION

#164: notes he leaves around the house for you

Mark: “I’m going to get us some food. Be back soon. - Mark.” he smiles as he nods in satisfaction at the note, and then straightens out his side of the bed carefully, trying not to wake you, and then leaves the note in place of him, hoping you’d wake up when he comes back.  

Jr: “Sometimes you make me so mad. You never wear your jacket when it’s cold and you always yell at me… but it’s okay, because I love you. and I’ll miss all the times you yell at me. See you soon. - Jinyoung.” You smile as you felt the hole of missing him. He’d be home soon, you knew, and finding this was another reminder of that. 

JB: “Buy cat food for Nora… PLEASE!! - Jaebum, the best boyfriend of all time who would buy your cat food if you asked him to.” You walk through the apartment door with a bag of cat food in your hand and a smile on your face. “Best girlfriend ever,” he says, smiling back at you and kissing the top of your head.

Jackson: “I’m sorry I had to leave so soon to practice, but I promise that I’ll come to see you again later. Miss you already, love you. - Jackson.” He sighs, placing the note on the nightstand and then looking down at you one more time to kiss your forehead.

BamBam: “I love you, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU!!! I LOVE YOU A LOT!!” you groan, looking at the bathroom mirror that was covered in sticky notes of the same message, over and over again and you could practically hear his voice in every note. Oh, and one in the corner: “Sorry I got bored. BUT I LOVE YOU! - Bamx2.”

Youngjae: “I’m going to be studying for the whole day… but come over at 4p„ ok? I also kind of want to see you. ;) - Youngjae” You laugh, looking down at the time on your phone until a text message interrupts you. “COmE NOW!” it reads, and then disappears so you can see the time. It was only 2pm.. guess he really wanted to see you.

Yugyeom: “Friendly reminder that you’re the best person EVER! And I love you A LOT! BYE! - Yugyeom.” You scrunch your face as you hear him walking into the room. His face turns red as you turn around and hold the note up for him to see. “BYE!” he says cutely, and then runs away as you laugh.