July 20, 2009
  1. The word “tsunami” is not in my phone’s T9 dictionary, so if you ever get a text from me that says “Trumang!”, get the fuck off the beach.
    @sloganeerist (sloganєєrist) – 114
  2. Whoopi thinks the moon landing was faked? I hope this doesn’t damage all that credibility she built up as the center square.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 107
  3. Ugh I have to write an autobiography?? STORY OF MY LIFE.
    @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 97
  4. First rule of Seal Club is no crying when we say “club”.

    This means you, Jeremy.

    Second rule of Seal Club is no walruses.

    *Jeremy*.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 83
  5. I only use extra virgin olive oil. Unsaturated fats really shouldn’t have a sexual history.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 76
  6. "I just bought a pedometer."

    "Cool. So how many child molesters are near you right now?"
    @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 73
  7. Well SOMEBODY used a scrapbooking knife to cut my face out of all our wedding photos.
    @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 70
  8. Everyone thinks Canadians are so nice and polite.

    Excellent.

    Stage One is complete.

    Initiate Stage Two.

    Release the Moose Commandos.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 68
  9. I like the idea of liking the idea better than I actually like the idea.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 66
  10. I can’t dance, I love mayonnaise and I just maxed my Banana Republic credit card.
    These Whitestrips must be working.
    @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 65
  11. 1) Wake up
    2) Brush teeth
    3) Feed fish
    4) Take meds
    5) Notice pill in fishbowl & bad taste in mouth & wonder if I screwed up 3&4.

    Again.
    @tj (TJ Luoma) – 61
  12. Every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings. And every time you have sex, this one angel gets his binoculars.
    @aedison (Avery Edison) – 61
  13. Gnats are super attracted to me today. I’m a magnat.
    @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 59
  14. My weekend did not contain nearly enough weekend.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 58
  15. Q: What’s the difference between a pit bull and a hockey mom?
    A: The pitbull doesn’t blame the media for all its problems.
    @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 56
  16. My son told me how nobody at school would play with him last week. My pride swells to see him grow up in my own image.
    @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 53
  17. Reading comic books in bed by flashlight.

    Still pretty awesome.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 53
  18. Wife: “I’m pretty much as girly-girl as a girl can be. Except for drag queens. But then me.”
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 53
  19. FACT: The chances a large meteor will hit Earth is much less than the chances that another movie will be made about a large meteor.
    @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 51
  20. Today at the Zoo I saw a Lion & a Giraffe & a Rhino & a Zebra & an Elephant & at least 5 Cougars that my Wife wouldn’t let me pet.
    @OverlandParker (Michael Pierce) – 49
February 28, 2009

  1. "World Music" is a genre like "Anybody Who’s Not All Pasty-Looking" is a race.
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 54
  2. Why do characters on tv only hang out with people they work with? Do they live in Hell?
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 50
  3. "Massage relaxes the mom and should be performed in much the same environment as the baby was conceived." Great. Taco Bell parking lot.
    @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 46
  4. Seven Deadly Sins (updated): PWN’D, NOM, FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUU, WANT, WANT, WANT, and meh.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 45
  5. Profoundly funny tweet #1260351715 (?)
    @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 39
  6. i hope someone teaches me a grammar lesson at a bus stop, so one day i can tell my kid all about what i learned on the streets.
    @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 38
  7. You can’t help but be disturbed when an email from your mother contains simply the line: “Rebooted the internet - everything fine now.”
    @secretsquirrel (Ryan Bateman) – 37
  8. After we explain what a bookmark is to Leta, she goes, “So it’s the thing you use to pause a book. I get it.”
    @dooce (Heather B. Armstrong) – 37
  9. Yesterday: Used poor grammar on multiple occasions.

    Today: Hiding from grammar zombies in the attic.

    Tomorrow: IMMMPROPER TENSSSSSSSSSSE.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 36
  10. Profoundly funny tweet #1260577985 (?)
    @cleversimon (Unavailable) – 34

Read More

October 11, 2009
  1. Sunday morning. Reading comics. Drinking coffee. Wife’s in the shower. Cats are sleeping.

    I don’t need a lottery ticket.

    I’ve already won.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 83
  2. The movie ‘2012’ looks awful. Just as the ancient Mayans predicted.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 78
  3. Rumor has it that Matthew Broderick and Sarah Jessica Parker split up because he kept looking her in the mouth.
    @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 65
  4. Does this selective adherence to only certain tenets of Leviticus make me look homophobic?
    @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 64
  5. Hey, look, this napkin is really a Napoleon hat! Take my picture with the waitress!

    No, YOU’RE too many Mimosas.
    @biorhythmist (matt) – 59
  6. I want to believe Julie when she says her cramps are so bad she can’t go get me a drink, but between you and me, I think she’s ovary acting.
    @texburgher (Geoff Barnes) – 54
  7. Man, I just took enough Benadryl to rhombus detour Capn. Crunch without even spiderplant nacho cheese. Amirite, cartoon cat Bonnie Franklin?
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 53
  8. "Are you a merkin?" "A what?" "A merkin." "Are you trying to say American?" "ARE YOU DEAF?" Welcome to Texas, people.
    @EightBitsShort (Unavailable) – 51
  9. Hearing my son talk to stuffed animals has me worried. If he doesn’t get funnier those imaginary friends will never follow him.
    @FriedWords (Derek) – 51
  10. "You aren’t funny mom"

    "People on the Internet think I’m funny"

    "People on the Internet think they can sing too- I’ve watchd YouTube"
    @ruthakers (ruthakers) – 46
  11. Profoundly funny tweet #4783030678 (?)
    @carrmah (Unavailable) – 46
  12. Saw a duck in Epcot eating a cigarette butt. The circle of life.
    @AmyJane (Amy Jane Gruber) – 45
  13. If you’re going to fucking wake me up at fucking 7:30 in the fucking morning on a fucking Sunday, we better be fucking.
    @biorhythmist (matt) – 45
  14. Every person injected with ANY vaccine will die. Why is the MSM not covering this?
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 43
  15. If you join a baby fight club remember that a baby on PCP has the strength of 10 babies and always bet on that baby.
    @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 43
  16. Stupid laptop battery-level indicator! You’re not the boss o
    @blankslate (Alex) – 43
  17. It’s Coming Out Day, so I thought I’d remind you that I’m a transgender lesbian, and that that doesn’t make me any less awesome. Or modest.
    @aedison (Avery Edison) – 42
  18. For the seventeenth time, son, I withhold love from you so we can have a soulful reunion on my deathbed. You’re such an idiot sometimes.
    @zuhl (Jon Deal) – 41
  19. Profoundly funny tweet #4775005706 (?)
    @nicedream (Unavailable) – 41
  20. My housemate is either snoring or angrily raping a grizzly bear.
    @secretsquirrel (Ryan Bateman) – 39
October 20, 2009
  1. Uh-oh. Trader Joe’s is playing “Shout”. Hold my Mueslix while I get a little bit softer now. I SAID HOLD MY FUCKING MUESLIX.
    @kellydeal (kellydeal) – 119
  2. Just once I’d like to see a realistic tampon commercial, with the actress sobbing herself to sleep with a half-chewed Snickers in her mouth.
    @ladawn (Mixmaster L.A. Dawn) – 107
  3. Dinner was awful, so I asked to speak to the manager and that’s when my wife came at me with a kitchen knife, Your Honor.
    @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 97
  4. Confused I won’t take Jim’s last name, they ask what name our kids will have. Easy. We make them pick the name of the parent they love more.
    @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 97
  5. Would you rather have a liberal amount of hot fudge on your sundae, or a conservative amount? Conservatives: They even lie about ice cream.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 96
  6. old dog : “taking it to the farm” :: kids’ drawing : “taking it to work”
    @scottsimpson (Scott Simpson) – 76
  7. BREAKING: Obama has authorized 40,000 more troops to fight Fox News.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 74
  8. I’d watch C-SPAN more if Congress wore throwback uniforms every once in a while.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 70
  9. "Dad, where does God live?" "God lives inside each of us, son. Like a magic tapeworm slowly devouring our souls… Welp, goodnight."
    @FriedWords (Derek) – 69
  10. I just blocked 500 people. If I blocked you unfairly, please let me know how you’re reading this, and I’ll block you there, too.
    @Remiel (Remiel) – 66
  11. THIS JUST IN — HIPSTER DUDE IN JAUNTY SCARF AND POINTY SHOES RUNNING TO CATCH BUS HILARIOUS — MORE DETAILS AS THEY BECOME AVAILABLE
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 62
  12. Yes child, you must go to bed. Because it’s a school night, that’s why. Also, I’d like to eat Froot Loops at 9:30 PM without your judgment.
    @vmarinelli (Victoria Marinelli) – 57
  13. So many hammer reviews. So few tree houses.
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 50
  14. Sharks would be less dangerous if we just let them eat at Applebee’s.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 50
  15. For Halloween I’ll dress up as an overweight guy whose wife won’t sleep with him because I already am the costume.
    @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 50
  16. "You sure do like to tailgate people… Right, because it’s real important you show up to the nothing you have to do on time."
    @shitmydadsays (Justin) – 49
  17. New high score on the Wii Fit! This “BMI” game is a piece of cake.
    @biorhythmist (boorhythmist) – 48
  18. Some days, swearing is easier than finding a thesaurus.
    @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 47
  19. I figure my “Dr. Manhattan” Halloween costume will cost me $105. That’s $5 for blue spraypaint, and $100 to pay the indecent exposure fine.
    @Tony_D (Tony Delgrosso) – 44
  20. Full Length Mirror, no one invited you to my “feeling skinny” party.
    @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 44
August 2, 2009
  1. Sorry for staring at your boobs, I thought I was wearing sunglasses…
    @biorhythmist (matt) – 96
  2. The U.S. dollar is now so weak it couldn’t open a jar of pickles even if it could buy one.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 96
  3. Goodnight, you Queens of the Stone Age. You Kings of Leon.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 76
  4. I took a shower with my cat last night and Webster’s still hasn’t updated the definition of “lonely”.
    @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 73
  5. Last night I learned that unfollowing someone is SUPER easy in real life. You just walk away while they’re still talking.
    @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 70
  6. The best thing about this church is the breakfast money they pass around on that plate.
    @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 66
  7. What happens in church, stays in church. Except for the life crushing anxiety and neuroses. You get to take those with you wherever you go.
    @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 65
  8. Ďőėŝ ṫĥįś ṱῶḙḕṭ ḿḁҟễ ɱɇ ŀơȫᶄ ᶀṑṝḕđ?
    @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 61
  9. If you’re around some cops, don’t say “I smell bacon!”

    Because the cops will eat all the bacon!

    And then they’ll beat you mercilessly.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 55
  10. There is nothing that this lady’s Everything is BIGGER in Texas t-shirt can tell me that I didn’t already learn from her Adam’s apple.
    @OverlandParker (Michael Pierce) – 52
  11. Discovered during our yard sale that I’d rather burn stuff and piss on it than sell it to rude people.

    So our yard smells like burned pee.
    @rsmallbone (rsmallbone) – 51
  12. Profoundly funny tweet #3089744532 (?)
    @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 49
  13. Iced coffee is way better than a blowjob. Unless the blowjob is from a female cause then fuck iced coffee and my priest’s lame technique.
    @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 45
  14. It’s not really Monopoly until someone starts crying.
    @secretsquirrel (Ryan Bateman) – 42
  15. Back from my secret society meeting. We picked the 2010 Grammy winners and voted to revive the career of Jane Curtin.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 42
  16. Oh, autopsied female dog, you are a cold, heartless bitch.
    @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 42
  17. All things considered, it is more like a dick of corn than an ear of corn.
    @navanax (50% More Slime) – 41
  18. The best thing about her being pregnant is that I’m no longer the fat one.

    God I’m going to pay for telling that truth.
    @lukeinvan (Vancouver’s Luke) – 39
  19. I just accidentally sat on a toilet with the lid down! That was weird. Then kind of slippery.
    @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 39
  20. Whatever, Poison Control.
    You’re not the boss of me.
    @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 38
May 28, 2009
  1. The only way I could be less interested in today is if Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker were in it.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 139
  2. And behind every great woman is a great ninja.

    Of course you can’t see the ninja.

    That’s why he’s *great*.

    Try to keep up, people.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 128
  3. I have sold four shirts at twitshirt.com, earning me $2. I regret making that deposit on a swimming pool.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 84
  4. Killing a king is regicide. But killing Regis Philbin would just be homicide. That seems somehow unfair.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 73
  5. Considering how much my wife swears while cooking, I’m now positive that our stove runs on profane gas.
    @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 70
  6. If your idea of a good time is laying in bed with a box of Trix, it is time to look at your life.

    And be thankful it is so fucking AWESOME.
    @FanEffingTastic (Kara) – 67
  7. Jon & Kate Plus 8 Plus Some Skank & Maybe a Dude
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 65
  8. I fell while running on the treadmill. I’m okay, but I can’t say the same about the bag of Doritos and beer I was holding at the time.
    @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 65
  9. Did you know? The sound of shooting whipped cream into your mouth masks the sound of your wife coming downstairs.
    @seanhussey (Sean Hussey) – 61
  10. The Boy would like everyone to know that 7 years ago TODAY he wriggled into the world by doing unspeakable things to my wife’s happy place.
    @tj (TJ Luoma) – 58
  11. Yeah, buddy, that’s a tampon in my pocket. Stand down. You will not win this argument.
    @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 57
  12. Some days, Chuck Norris just wants to be cuddled.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 57
  13. Awakened by a shrill sound coming from some kind of red-numbered-display box on my nightstand. This can’t be good.
    @SeoulBrother (SeoulBrother) – 55
  14. Meant to tell my husband, “Good luck & I love you,” but it somehow came out as, “You are ruining my life.”
    @hoosiergirl (hoosiergirl) – 54
  15. Today is day three with no caffeine. My only solace is knowing that we are all going to die.
    @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 54
  16. Profoundly funny tweet #1941196604 (?)
    @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 54
  17. If you’re of a certain age, the worst thing about getting caught in the rain is being reminded of that fucking song with the piña coladas.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 54
  18. Life would be easier if I could just breathe coffee. Except for the astronaut helmet full of scalding hot liquid, I guess.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 53
  19. I’d have been a great Viking. As long as I had hand cream. My hands get very dry. And who wants dry hands when you’re raping and pillaging?
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 53
  20. Me: Sigh. I wish we had kids.
    Him: Uhh. That’ll be $25.70.
    Me: For us to have a child?!
    Him: For the groceries, ma’am.
    @lisarahmat (Lisa Rahmat) – 52
June 14, 2009
  1. Finally, people on the internet are talking about me. Let’s see my mother-in-law look disappointed now.
    @bcompton (Doom Nibbler) – 187
  2. Thanks for the birthday wishes, everyone, but all this attention is making me uncomfortable. Please favorite and retweet this.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 91
  3. It’s 9:00 and I’m going to bed with my wife AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

    I have to watch the small tv.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 80
  4. Profoundly funny tweet #2164534225 (?)
    @awryone (Unavailable) – 63
  5. I’m writing on my iPhone. I just got a latté at the farmers’ market.

    When the revolution comes, they can use this tweet at my show trial.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 55
  6. I’ll be off the grid and unable to tweet because I’ll be at a 3 day retreat for a seminar called “staying connected through social media”.
    @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 54
  7. How to make an omelet.
    1) Get an egg.
    2) Draw a smileyface on the egg.
    3) Name it Eggy.
    4) Eggy and I are getting engaged!!
    @myracles (myr) – 52
  8. Profoundly funny tweet #2159397801 (?)
    @EightBitsShort (Unavailable) – 49
  9. We made it back to town without a major incident. We lost one child to Gypsies but luckily it was the one that nobody liked.
    @essdogg (Essex Mortimer Dogg) – 43
  10. Profoundly funny tweet #2168106558 (?)
    @CranberryPerson (Unavailable) – 42
  11. Profoundly funny tweet #2169979132 (?)
    @zolora (Unavailable) – 41
  12. The ironic slow clap does not work at a baseball game.
    @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 41
  13. Celebrating the last night in my thirties the traditional way. By wishing I wasn’t.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 38
  14. Profoundly funny tweet #2164479611 (?)
    @CranberryPerson (Unavailable) – 34
  15. I’ll be back in a couple of days. If my mom calls, tell her I’m… Oh, who am I kidding? We both know she’d be calling for you.
    @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 34
  16. Yesss! I found a beer from last weekend! Shit’s about to get crazy! I bet I’ll wake up tomorrow and not remember which chapter I read up to!
    @katefeetie (Katie Rose) – 34
  17. I scheduled my photo blog to auto-post a satellite view of Manhattan just as my plane landed at LaGuardia. It’s amazing I’m not a virgin.
    @pagecrusher (Simon Goetz) – 34
  18. I just ate a McGriddle and drank a large McCafe iced coffee, so I should be enjoying my first McAneurysm before lunch.
    @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 34
  19. I’m preparing for Father’s Day by getting fat on the couch, growing ear hair and can you look at this weird mole on my back?
    @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 33
  20. I don’t know why he was googling “cross dressing gnomes” but if I’m asked to wear a pointy red hat to bed tonight, I’m outta here.
    @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 33
May 13, 2009
  1. If it ain’t broke, break it, then fix it, then get a reputation for listening to your users’ concerns.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 81
  2. Funk Song: “Get down!”
    Me: “I’m down.”
    Funk Song: “Get down!”
    Me: “I’m down. Now what?”
    Funk Song: “Get down!”
    Me: “PAY ATTENTION TO ME!”
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 80
  3. Always carry a lighter. You never know when a lady might need to torch her boyfriend’s condo or burn herself to feel something. Anything.
    @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 79
  4. I believe that @ replies should be between a man and a woman.
    @zeldman (Jeffrey Zeldman) – 79
  5. Wife: Why do you care if they laugh? You’ve never even met these people. Me: Well, we’ve intermet. Wife: You are so stupid.
    @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 77
  6. Accidentally gave the baby regular instead of decaf, so now I have to play with her or whatever you do with these things when they’re awake.
    @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 74
  7. About 150,000 car salesmen are going to be laid off in the coming weeks. This is horrible news for the polyester industry.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 56
  8. Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
    Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
    @rainnwilson (RainnWilson) – 56
  9. Pornstars! Want to know your real name? Take the 1st name on your birth certificate and add it to your dad’s last name! I’m “Rob Corddry”!
    @robcorddry (rob corddry) – 55
  10. I admire your healthy lifestyle. Which sort of makes me just as healthy as you, so get over yourself.
    @lonelysandwich (Adam Lisagor) – 55
  11. There’s a white windowless van parked outside w/ a “missing person” sign on the side. Can’t tell if they’re genuinely concerned or bragging.
    @crispycracka (Christy Ann) – 51
  12. We’ve been trying really hard to have another baby. At some point I should probably tell her I had a vasectomy four years ago.
    @rsmallbone (rsmallbone) – 49
  13. TSA security line is like how I always imagined communist airports, except the commies in my mind had sharper uniforms.
    @gruber (John Gruber) – 49
  14. If we lived in a true market democracy, “Giant Mushroom Stormtrooper” would not be the only style of bicycle helmet available to the public.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 48
  15. Sure it’s tough to get up a 5AM and run 4 miles, but bragging about it to strangers on the internet makes it all worthwhile.
    @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 48
  16. Oh crap. Dance rumble.

    *snap snap jazz hands snap OOF*

    Gang warfare is hard when you don’t stretch.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 46
  17. Ironic, self-aware narcissism is still narcissism.
    @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 45
  18. I hate it when Jim makes me laugh before I’m finished being grumpy. It just ruins everything.
    @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 45
  19. Someone needs to adjust the medicine in those puppies Dick Cheney is eating.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 44
  20. Retro Chic doesn’t work in Oklahoma because it’s indistinguishable from Never Stopped Wearing.
    @toldorknown (Arch Stanton) – 44
August 25, 2009
  1. Wait a minute! This is August! That wasn’t Santa!

    But why would a random stranger need to measure my penis?
    @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 82
  2. William Shatner signed up on Twitter as @williamshatner. Personally, I would have gone with something much more colorful, like @shathimself.
    @msteciuk (Maggie Steciuk) – 71
  3. I’m banned from driving muscle cars because I just tested positive for Yoplait lowfat yogurt.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 71
  4. For every fun sex life there is an equal and opposite baby.
    @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 69
  5. Climbing up the ladder here in Washington. I’ve just been granted Pop Secret clearance. It’s for some sort of microwave radiation project.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 67
  6. Actually, Barnes & Noble, I think I’ll save *100%* on Dan Brown’s follow-up to The Da Vinci Code.
    @zeldman (Jeffrey Zeldman) – 59
  7. I’ve just discovered the best new drinking game. You do a shot every time your family members say “Intervention”.
    @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 57
  8. The great thing about living in the hospital is that I can walk around in a gown with my ass hanging out and feel right at home.
    @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 56
  9. Melanie Griffith’s publicist announced she is going to rehab. This is surprising; why would Melanie Griffith still need a publicist?
    @rafitorres (Rafael Torres) – 56
  10. I can’t remember what Jim did to piss me off, but I yelled “I’m not drunk enough to sleep with you!” in the middle of the restaurant.
    @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 56
  11. Watching Discovery Health’s “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant.”

    Next up, “Totally Just Noticed I’m White,” followed by “Whoa, I Have TITS?”
    @sloganeerist (jtdobbs) – 55
  12. Passive-Aggressive Robot:

    "IGNORE ME. I WILL JUST SIT HERE. COUNTING THE MILLISECONDS UNTIL MY ATOMIC FUEL CELL DECAYS. I AM OPTIMAL."
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 54
  13. No matter how fast you’re going, driving is more fun when you say “WHEEEE!!!”
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 54
  14. By using a hemp basket to mix local bamboo, old CFLs, and fair-trade coffee grounds, you can generate a full week’s supply of empty gestures
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 52
  15. Mark your calendars: I’ll be holding a Twitter Wit book signing at Borders this afternoon from 4 p.m. to when they notice I’m doing it.
    @toldorknown (Arch Stanton) – 51
  16. Gödel’s Incompleteness Theorem goes into a bar and orders a joke. Bartender goes, “That everything?” and the Theorem goes, “Probably not.”
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 51
  17. Just re-watched War of the Worlds. I truly believe there are beings on other planets who would travel millions of miles to kill Tom Cruise.
    @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 50
  18. Profoundly funny tweet #3534811238 (?)
    @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 50
  19. I told my mom that success wouldn’t change me. She started crying. “Why the hell not?”
    @nick (Nick Douglas) – 49
  20. Bought a candy bar for 95 cents. Paid with a buck. Walking out, cashier asks if I wanted my nickel back. I refused because that band sucks.
    @JephKelley (Jeff Kelley) – 47
April 5, 2009
  1. Beer before liquor, never sicker.
    Liquor before beer, in the clear.
    Coffee before yoga, don’t ever fucking do that.
    @katefeetie (Katie Rose) – 76
  2. I just lied to my mother so creatively my mouth opened an Etsy account.
    @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 61
  3. Wasting a few minutes on the Internet to restore your concentration is like sleeping with your ex so she’ll leave you alone.
    @texburgher (Geoff Barnes) – 52
  4. I have sauce on both my neck and forehead. Should’ve test-licked these bowls before we bought them.
    @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 49
  5. Say it with me, guys:

    "The Canon 5D Mark II: No, Seriously. She Will TOTALLY Divorce You.™"
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 46
  6. Son: It’s weird that you’re in your 40s and listen to Nine Inch Nails
    Me: Honey, Trent Reznor is in his 40s and he’s *in* Nine Inch Nails.
    @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 44
  7. Hank: What’s he barking at?

    Me: Nothing.

    Karen: He’s barking at *something*.

    Me: Maybe he’s barking at bad fiscal policy.
    @Moltz (Moltz) – 44
  8. 1. Don’t shave.
    2. Put linty sweater over long underwear.
    3. “We don’t _both_ need to take Maggie to this birthday party.”

    Level: advanced.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 43
  9. If FOX showed an hour of boiling water, 10,000,000 would call in to support their favorite saucepan.
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 42
  10. The length of time required to complete a task is negligible compared to the length of time Jim takes to make the perfect playlist for it.
    @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 42
  11. If I head to the bathroom, my cat goes to his litterbox. Yet I’m not on Washington Life’s “Most Influential Under 40” list. Total cronyism.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 40
  12. Twitter Search tells me I’m the first person on the medium to say:

    "Come on already, North Korea. This isn’t rocket science."

    Thank you.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 39
  13. Between your intercourse and all your twittering about your intercourse, I don’t know where you find the time for an hourly self-portrait.
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 38
  14. I’M AT THE KENNEDY SPACE CENTER!

    CAPS LOCK DOES NOT PROPERLY CONVEY MY EXCITEMENT!

    I CAN SEE ROCKETS!!!!
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 37
  15. Coolest thing ever just happened to me. Dude in a wheelchair stood straight up to berate me on the street. I enrage… and heal!
    @erikprice (Erik Price) – 32
  16. Headed to the Mission for burritos. Nom nom nom chewing producing saliva nom nom gulp gulp digesting nom burp fart regret.
    @lonelysandwich (Adam Lisagor) – 31
  17. Camera around neck.
    Bag of souvenirs in hand.
    Undeserved sense of entitlement.

    My journey to the dark side is complete.

    I am a tourist.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 31
  18. Objects in mirror could not possibly be bigger rednecks than they appear
    @nevenmrgan (Neven Mrgan) – 31
  19. My seven-year-old wandered into the casino, and when I retrieved him 30 seconds later, he was $40,000 in debt and divorced.
    @gknauss (Greg Knauss) – 30
  20. I’m so bored. I wish I was artsing and craftsing something right now. Or being pretend lesbian with a pretty girl.

    I’ll just eat a bagel.
    @Jessabelle2o7 (Jess) – 28
May 16, 2009
  1. Neighborhood kids just mowed my lawn and all I gave them was porn.

    LOL!! Just kidding!

    I *loaned* them the porn.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 73
  2. Oh sure, a guy in NJ robs a store while wearing a Snuggie and now I can’t go anywhere without people looking at me weird.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 68
  3. Just had to turn the volume up because the crunching of these nachos was drowning out “Tron”.

    LADIES.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 66
  4. There are 11,455 confirmed cases of free Coldplay album downloads. Two dead.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 66
  5. Things I learn from infomercials: everything is 10x more difficult when you do it in black and white.
    @Tony_D (Tony Delgrosso) – 61
  6. It appears the swine flu virus has mutated into free Coldplay album downloads.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 61
  7. Don’t know which amazes me more: that my older daughter is such a good kid or that I still keep in touch with the gypsies I sold her to.
    @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 56
  8. A Mini Cooper cut me off. That jerk is clearly undercompensating for something, if you know what I mean.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 56
  9. One day there will be a dance craze that requires biting your lower lip. And white guys will *still* look stupid doing it.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 56
  10. Seated next to med student who wants to be a surgeon and his girlfriend. Every thing he says rhymes with “I’m a narcissistic asshole.”
    @tj (TJ Luoma) – 48
  11. I’m standing in a crowded men’s room. My daughter is in a stall loudly humming Vivaldi’s “Four Seasons.” Thanks, Little Einsteins.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 48
  12. No matter what the song says, never shake your moneymaker. You could damage the hard drive.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 45
  13. when life gives you lasers, make pew pew pews!
    @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 42
  14. Profoundly funny tweet #1812555554 (?)
    @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 41
  15. It’s always brightest before the stupid.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 40
  16. My horoscope was right. I just startled a duck.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 39
  17. At Jersey Turnpike rest stops, keep in mind: Sbarro Pizza may cause sbstantial sffering. Sbway is a good, though not a sblime, sbstitute.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 38
  18. Whichever one of you degenerates told me I could find the Obama “fist bump” picture by Googling “fisting”, I will find you, and hurt you.
    @tj (TJ Luoma) – 37
  19. One thing that’d make me happier than this weight loss show is SOMEONE getting off her lazy ass to bring me a pizza. Don’t sass me, newborn.
    @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 36
  20. "You’re a really nice mom."
    What’s cute at five becomes suspicious at 16.
    @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 34
July 18, 2009
  1. "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

    - loser
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 72
  2. I won’t trust the news about Walter Cronkite’s death until I hear it from Walter Cronkite.
    @kellydeal (kellydeal) – 60
  3. Friend asks Jim how he stays faithful when faced with temptation. “Oh, Stephanie has turned me off to the idea of women altogether.”
    @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 58
  4. My baby is truly advanced. Three months old and she just wrote her name. With poo. On my beard. At the grocery store.
    @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 57
  5. Me and my brother-in-law are going to get vasectomies together like totally super hetero dudes tend to do.
    @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 53
  6. Once your dad walks in on you masturbating on his bed, it’s probably too late to wake up your mom and ask her for some privacy.
    @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 52
  7. Who’s got three thumbs and isn’t saying anything more until he gets a lawyer?
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 52
  8. Like most men, I am curious how often women think about sex. I asked them and apparently it’s not very often, at least not at this church.
    @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 51
  9. I have to watch eight youth soccer games this weekend. This will severely test my ability to fake enthusiasm.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 50
  10. What’s the cheat code on this ATM?
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 49
  11. BREAKING: Amazon deleted Walter Cronkite.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 48
  12. Studies show that the people who believe the moon landing was fake are the same people who believe professional wrestling is real.
    @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 47
  13. Those high school cheerleader car washes teach valuable lessons for young women, like community outreach, fundraising and working a corner.
    @SeoulBrother (SeoulBrother) – 47
  14. I wanted to give her Spanish Fly, but mistakenly gave her Canadian Fly. She didn’t get horny, just overwhelmingly polite.
    @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 46
  15. I woke up disgusted at the state of this apartment. Just as I decide to give my roommate a piece of my mind, I remember I live alone.
    @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 43
  16. Oddly, the oleophobic coating on my iPhone interacts chemically with my finger to produce a delightful hollandaise.
    @lonelysandwich (Adam Lisagor) – 43
  17. There’s no “I” in “team” but there is an “I” in “penis”. And if you play your cards right, there could be a “penis” in “U”. Ladies.
    @kolchak (The Night Stalker) – 42
  18. Ebay still requires your nude reflection to be visible in photos of the item you’re selling, right? Cool. Uploading.
    @jasonpermenter (Jason Permenter) – 42
  19. I always wanted to go to Comic Con but I can fuck stuffed animals at home for free.
    @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 42
  20. I’m across the river, in Virginia. Though it’s the old Confederacy, talking like Foghorn Leghorn isn’t helping me blend in with the locals.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 41
April 1, 2009
  1. They ASKED me to take off my shoes. Taking off my pants too shows I’m PRO-SECURITY.

    And going commando shows that I support the troops!
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 87
  2. Profoundly funny tweet #1431442757 (?)
    @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 77
  3. If you liked it, then you should have put a lid on it.”
    @luckyshirt (Luckyshirt) – 60
  4. One more person gives me the stinkeye in this airport and I’m busting out the martial art I invented in my bedroom.

    (It has jazz hands!)
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 58
  5. And, here come the jackasses.

    April Fool’s is such an amazing opportunity for people with one dumb idea to execute it poorly.
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 55
  6. Full-term wife just told me the baby wasn’t mine. Before she could say, “April Fool’s!”, I knocked her out cold. I’ve got 3-4 hours. Party?
    @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 52
  7. Obama gave the Queen an iPod. Now she’ll have something to listen to while being carried around the jogging track.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 51
  8. If someone passes you doing 90mph while eating burritos and composing this tweet, it would be me.

    DAMN IT FEELS GOOD TO BE ALIVE FOR NOW
    @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 50
  9. I gave you a heart on tumblr, a star on twitter and a thumbs up on Facebook. I feel like the next logical step is to make out with you.
    @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 49
  10. The best April Fool’s joke I can remember was loading up on LSD before an important meeting later today.
    @texburgher (Geoff Barnes) – 47
  11. Conficker? I hardly use Windows her.
    @SeoulBrother (SeoulBrother) – 45
  12. My hips don’t lie. But my feet do. Pathologically. Sometimes they feel guilty. And guilty feet

    …no, I can’t go through with it. Sorry.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 45
  13. Cute Asian girl wearing a nice jacket, gorgeous sundress and… bright yellow Crocs.

    I wish I could carry the Fail Whale around with me.
    @katefeetie (Katie Rose) – 45
  14. Hey, guys! What’s going on- oh. Oh. I see. Not a good time, huh? I’ll just come back later.
    @detweiler (Detweiler, Brian) – 44
  15. Netflix is getting a little too on-the-nose. “You may enjoy dark thrillers with a strong female lead. With your unresolved Oedipal issues.”
    @phyllisstein (Daniel Shannon) – 44
  16. Thankfully PRO filters out passive-aggression so I have NO idea what @nick and @hotdogsladies are up to right now.

    Also, it’s very lonely.
    @Mike_FTW (Mike Monteiro) – 43
  17. Sometimes, ass-to-mouth is the only way to say “I’m sorry.”
    @SeoulBrother (SeoulBrother) – 42
  18. Later today, when the Fed, the banks, AIG and the automakers say, “April Fools! Everybody gets their jobs back,” remember to act surprised.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 41
  19. Wal-Mart: For Clothes That Look Good from Far Away. Really Far Away.™
    @katefeetie (Katie Rose) – 41
  20. When muslim women knock on my door, I talk to them through the mail slot. Let’s see how they like it.
    @ErsatzMoe (Moe) – 40
March 31, 2009
  1. I accidentally saw a little bit of Two and a Half Men. The eye wash station is already paying for itself.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 66
  2. Just dropped the kids off at the pool.

    Don’t know whose kids they were or if it was even the right pool, but I had to shit so I didn’t ask.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 65
  3. Me: Sex at noon? Wife: You’re reading it backwards, jackass. Me: Noon. Taxes. Got it.
    @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 65
  4. I know, I know. I read things, too.

    Just galls me to pour cash into giant engines of debt while teachers still buy their own crayons.
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 63
  5. I’m confused. Do camels wear overly tight pants on their feet?
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 62
  6. Idea for funny movie joke: a character says no he won’t do something and then jump cut to him doing that thing he just said he wouldn’t do.
    @lonelysandwich (Adam Lisagor) – 61
  7. Bad news is, my lucky pants ripped.

    Good news is, I’m no longer a man in his forties with an item he refers to as “lucky pants.”
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 60
  8. Just poured myself two fingers of Scotch. You’re supposed to hold your fingers vertically, right?
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 54
  9. Dear chain-smoking lady with the “Don’t like my smoke? Stop breathing” t-shirt: Don’t like my fist? Stop having a face.
    @Jessabelle2o7 (Jess) – 54
  10. "We were like all ‘PFFT!’ and he was like ‘OMFG!’ and we were like ‘mreow?’ and then we ate pizza."

    Cats: the stoner roommates of pets.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 54
  11. And, no, Apple. I do NOT appreciate having `whores` corrected to `whites` THREE times.r

    So racist.
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 53
  12. How many Fail Whales does it take to change a lightbulb? …
    …Something is technically wrong with this joke. We’re working hard to fix it.
    @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 52
  13. "Something smells nice but I can’t identify it." "It’s probably my womanly musk." "No, I know what a wharf smells like."
    @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 51
  14. The enemy of my enemy is my brother’s keeper, which would make me my own grandfather. Spooky.
    @lonelysandwich (Adam Lisagor) – 49
  15. "Picture me as her best friend only in a boy’s body," he said. My turn. "Picture yourself alive in a shallow desert grave." Yep. Prom time.
    @trelvix (Trelvix) – 47
  16. My parents didn’t retweet me enough.
    @Remiel (Gabriel) – 44
  17. Because failing to save the companies who issued all those credit cards and Hummer loans may also jeopardize the Insane Irony industry.
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 44
  18. What’s that sound you hear? My productivity burning rubber out of the parking lot, leaving me alone in my prom dress, crying.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 43
  19. If you *almost* unfollowed because of those, you’d better go.
    Later, I’ll be reading a poem about dogs who gaymarry pot in abortion clinics.
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 43
  20. Profoundly funny tweet #1421584542 (?)
    @cleversimon (Unavailable) – 42
May 17, 2009
  1. I’ve gone 48 hours without coffee. At the rate I’m losing IQ points, in 2 days I could be double-clicking hyperlinks like a baby boomer.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 68
  2. The Venn diagram of “what I’d like to be doing this morning” and “what I’m doing this morning” looks like the middle two letters of “poop.”
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 66
  3. Arguing with an octopus over whether they can wear footie pajamas is tiring.

    BECAUSE TENTACLES AREN’T FEET, THAT’S WHY.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 62
  4. Just got the first scratch on the newborn. There goes the damn resale value.
    @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 61
  5. White boy dreadlocks.

    So much effort.

    Absolutely no fucking reward
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 59
  6. There may be agnostics in fox holes. I’m not sure.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 50
  7. I lost a few minutes when I stopped at the aid station playing Chubby Checker, but someone had to show those ameteurs how to fucking twist.
    @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 50
  8. If only I had some coffee, I could pull myself together to walk up the street and get some coffee.

    #twootenangover
    @texburgher (Geoff Barnes) – 42
  9. I put the “cat” in catapult.
    @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 42
  10. Profoundly funny tweet #1823516578 (?)
    @cleversimon (Unavailable) – 42
  11. Ever wake up and your first thought is “I hope that’s my pee on the carpet?”
    @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 39
  12. Ladies, don’t make your tattoos too intricate because if I get distracted and start reading I lose my boner. Lose/lose.
    @indefensible (Indefensible) – 38
  13. You know who could sure use a hand?

    Captain Hook
    @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 38
  14. Profoundly funny tweet #1827711739 (?)
    @srslainey (Unavailable) – 37
  15. Lightbulbs would make lousy hipsters because they can only burnout once.
    @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 37
  16. I before E except in ‘penis’ otherwise you’re spelling ‘pines’.
    @myracles (myr) – 37
  17. congrats to bristol palin for getting her GED. she’s not the smartest, for sure. when asked ‘cum laude?’ she said, ‘not when my mom’s home!’
    @LucyRcardo (Unavailable) – 36
  18. If Apple really wanted us to make the next killer iPhone app then they wouldn’t have rejected my “How much poison will I need?” calculator.
    @tehawesome (Henry Birdseye) – 36
  19. Dick Cheney’s latest charm offensive has had incredible reach. I don’t know what else could explain the condition of this public restroom.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 35
  20. No matter how hot she is, if she’s in pink UGGs and talking on a rhinestone iPhone, my clitoris inverts like a snail being poked in the eye.
    @AinsleyofAttack (Ainsley Drew) – 34
June 21, 2009
  1. Me: I have loads of street cred. Wife: The information superhighway is not a real street, jackass.
    @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 78
  2. These Father’s Day cards are cute, but I specifically asked for the hands of my leafblowing neighbor.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 73
  3. Purging little-used numbers from my phone was a great idea until Father’s Day rolled around.
    @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 71
  4. If your wife gives you a nose hair trimmer for Father’s Day, what she’s really trying to say is that she wants to sleep with other men.
    @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 64
  5. "Daddy, what are you going to eat for breakfast when you’re in Las Vegas?"

    "Probably Excedrin."
    @AmyJane (Amy Jane Gruber) – 59
  6. Pancakes, flowers, handmade cards. I think these people want me to pay attention to them or something.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 57
  7. Whatever happened to that band Smash Mouth? I miss that song, “Hey Now, You’re Watching a Crappy Movie” or whatever it was called.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 57
  8. Supreme Leader looks like a pretty rad job right up to the point where everyone wants to kill you.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 56
  9. My Dad’s favorite dumbass thing I — his firstborn — ever said to him:

    "A pox on your firstborn!"

    I miss you, Dad.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 53
  10. This dented can of alphabet soup spells trouble.
    @pagecrusher (Simon Goetz) – 51
  11. For those curious about the three seashells, it works like this: you wipe your ass with seashells instead of paper. The future is stupid.
    @lonelysandwich (Adam Lisagor) – 47
  12. Profoundly funny tweet #2259686423 (?)
    @smilinbjones (Unavailable) – 44
  13. What’s the protocol for buying presents for men who like it when you call them daddy?
    @Aimee_B_Loved (Aimee B) – 43
  14. My neighbor is morbidly obese. I don’t know him well; he keeps largely to himself.
    @BlueLanugo (John Silver) – 41
  15. "The lesbian next door had surgery. She had an addadictomy."

    Ladies and gentleman, my father.
    @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 41
  16. Father’s Day is always kind of difficult for me as I was immaculately conceived.
    @Moltz (Moltz) – 40
  17. "Hey, don’t roll around on furniture while eating a cheeseburger."

    The look on his face said that he was previously unaware of this policy.
    @essdogg (Essex Mortimer Dogg) – 40
  18. You laugh when a bazillion orangutans pour out of a clown car, but the last one out of the car doesn’t think it’s funny at all.

    Trust me.
    @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 39
  19. I’ve been told the amount of food I can eat is emasculating. Whatevs, that dude was a pussy.
    @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 38
  20. I am rubber and you are glue so whatever you say I’m still a polymer and you’re just a race horse whose leg broke.
    @kolchak (The Night Stalker) – 37
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