I Woke up Like This...
I’m tired of hearing what others’ believe I should do.
I’m tired of expressing myself when no one seems to listen.
I’m tired of writing when no one seems to read between the lines.
I’m tired of ranting when people just want to criticize my emotions.
I’m tired of trying to prove myself because my honest words aren’t what you want to hear.
I’m just tired.
Tell me what is so beautiful about my pain. Because I know how to write them so you can understand and feel the pain I express. Is that beauty? Because you are able to feel without being near me, or without having to be within my skin or having to see my face? OR do you feel pity for me? Pity because you hear the hurt that I’m able to write so elegantly. Pain is beautiful? Beautiful? I pity you to believe my pain is beautiful. If you think it’s so beautiful because I’m absolutely mad trapped in my own head then I give you my pain. Take away my pain if you think it so beautiful that you can’t help but take it all in.
And then once you feel that pain, tell me do you feel beautiful? Do you see what I see? Do you feel what I feel now?
I just feel vulnerable.
Vulnerable that when I speak the words out loud it’s like I feel attacked for speaking them out loud.
So I write. i write to feel vulnerable and then everyone takes it all in like it’s a beautiful piece of art.
But once I say them out loud, without a thought process of putting them into a flowing sentence or without pondering "hmmm how can I make this rhyme, what metaphor or simile can I use next?" then I’m nuts. I simply don’t make sense because i’m just rambling words at the speed of light and its too much to process so its just too much for anyone to take in. And then my word simply don’t make sense, so I must not make sense. Correct?
So I need to be strong.
Because if I’m not strong, my energies reflect off others and then no one wants to be around me. So then I must become a loner. What good is that if people simply give up because your feeling down one day. When majority of the others day are happy go lucky personality, but once I hit bottom "ughhh I can’t take you right now, let me know when your positive energies are back." Oh well I’m sorry you can’t take all of me in.
So then I need to apologize.
Apologize for taking out my emotions out on people. So then I need to resort to the screen and then start writing again. Since apparently I can’t express or just simply vent because its as if I attack.
So I guess this site, this screen, this keyboard can only truly feel, hear, read, and see my pain.