Non-Sexual Intimacy

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One thing I’ve found that many allosexuals have a difficult time comprehending is the concept of intimacy outside of sex; or rather how an asexual or aromantic individual can maintain (and find fulfilling) a partnership where affection isn’t ever expressed in a sexual manner. So, because I am asked about this quite often by those outside of the asexual and aromantic communities, I’d like to make a quick post detailing some examples of non-sexual intimate acts and partnerships. 

Forgive me if I’ve missed anything.

Several days ago I received this email from my school counsellor.

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I wrote a short reply saying that I was delighted to hear there was an LGBT group forming, but couldn’t help but notice that the asexual flag was missing.

This was the reply:

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I am completely baffled, and rather upset by this response. Here I was thinking it was a simple oversight and instead I get “Oh, sorry, I left your flag out on purpose.”

I am posting this so that swankivy can give me her professional opinion on this matter. What the heck is he trying to say? And how should I respond?

The thing is that plants aren’t asexual. They reproduce asexually. I never said I reproduced asexually, I said I’m asexual. Ergo, your dumb “you’re not a plant so you’re not asexual” comment is irrelevant and frankly makes you look like an idiot. Thanks.

Ask me anything

When I say ‘ask me anything’, I do literally mean anything. I will answer most questions (aside from obvious things like my address or other personal information up that lane), and kudos to you if you manage to find a question I will not want to answer!

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look what the mailman just gave me!

Amazon Japan FINALLY sent me the first of two copies of "The Invisible Orientation" by swankivy that i pre-ordered nearly a month ago. why on earth Amazon could only procure one of my two copies is beyond me, but whatever.

Yuki already approves of this book and i’ll be parking myself in a cafe with it later today. i’m a slowass reader so don’t expect comments too soon, but i’m going to do my best to get through this quickly as this will be the highlighted copy that i forward to my mom. :)

Asexual -Someone who does not experience sexual attraction to others. They may or may not experience romantic and/or platonic feelings and the like, but there’s a whole spectrum and it varies from person to person!

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I recently had this epiphany in which I thought to myself “It’s so cool how asexuals also call themselves ‘aces’. So Solace is an ace- oh my God he actually has ‘ace’ in his name”

SO HERE WE ARE

This idea came to be and I had to draw eeeet. Can’t believe I didn’t think of this sooner haha! But glad I managed to get to it! I wanted to contribute to ze awareness and character representation. ;w;/

anonymous said:

I'm personally confused as to why parents would get mad/upset to the point of removing financial obligation to their kid just for coming out as something that could be seen as a relief. IE, most parents should be concerned about their kids having unprotected sex, but if you're asexual you're probably not gonna be having a lot of sex because that's just not your thing. so why would they get so upset? Is it just because they see it as you never wanting to breed for them and give them grandbabies?

well, we live in a very a confusing society where sex is prized but also considered taboo. which leads to parents never giving their kids the sex talk and trying to shield their children from anything ”indecent”, but then expecting their kids to eventually settle down and have a fulfilling sex life with their One True Love and making 2.5 precious grandbabies

so while they don’t want their kids having sex, or they don’t want to think about their kids having sex, they still rest assured that One Day, when their kid isn’t a kid anymore, their kid will be wanting and having sex and subsequently having those 2.5 precious grandbabies

short term-wise, an ace kid might be a relief for parents; don’t have to worry or think about the kid having sex. but once the kid starts insisting it’s a long term thing? nope, no way, everyone wants sex eventually, you’re scheduled to have 3 heirs, you’re too young, just sit down, don’t have sex, and shut up

~Mod Q

On "A Not-So-Great Day"

You most certainly aren’t alone in that. I legitimately fear bringing up my asexuality, simply because absolutely no one understands. I get all sorts of reactions. The latest, granted to me merely a week ago, was, “oh, that’s great! That means you have sex just for the sake of the relationship.” Um, no. Not at all. And quid pro quo sex is never ‘great.’

Even my brother, whom I love very much, says I’ll switch on to sex when I meet the right guy.

When it comes to relationships, I had a really promising one that I had to back away from because, whenever my asexuality came up, he always assured me he “would wait.” For what? And it seems cruel, that no one bothers to understand that, yes, I want a relationship, and yes, I want it with a man, but no, I don’t want sex. And no, it’s not just me ‘holding out’ or ‘waiting until marriage’ or ‘testing him.’

The reactions I’ve gotten would fill the board of Asexual Bingo, as I’m sure yours would, too, and it hurts whenever people who you’d think would understand or accept you try to make you conform to their preconceived notions of what people are like. Even a lesbian asked me how I could know I wouldn’t like sex when I’d never had it, even though she knew she wouldn’t like to have sex with a man, even though she never had.

Personally, I think the worst part is that no one is ever taught about us. People spell out LGBT, and a few spell out LGBTQA - and don’t realize the A stands for Asexual, not Allies. It’s literally been hijacked, simply because people don’t even know we exist.

Sorry for the long, horrible rant-reply. I guess I just wanted to let you know that what you’re going through, when it comes to both relationships and just… everyone else, isn’t something you’re dealing with alone. And hopefully it’ll act as a little digital hug or something.

P.S. - You were fine posting the other comment; I don’t mind. I’m glad I was able to make you smile. If ever you want to post a comment of mine, it’s fine. :)

It took me a while to figure out how to put into words how much this message meant to me and how happy I am for you to be willing to share with me (and the internet as I figured you’d be okay with me posting this with your note at the end). Basically my problem is this- no one in my real life “gets” what it feels like to be asexual so your post/message thing just makes me want to just word vomit all of my feels. No, I do not think I or any asexual is alone but wow- until you get a message like your amazing one- it’s really easy to forget. So yeah, rant to me anytime you want because I want to rant right back, here it goes. 

How stupid is it to be afraid to say “I don’t like sex.” AFRAID. Just like you, I’m terrified to say the words. I can’t say them to someone I feel romantic towards without crying and apologizing. WHAT?! Why am I sorry? Why am I afraid? Why do we live in a culture where it’s fear inducing to give a pass on sex?!

The last relationship I was in, which was the relationship I came out during, he would say “We can compromise, we’ll only have sex this often and we can do other sexual things in between.” When I freaked out, crying again, and asked why he couldn’t compromise by going without sex or sexual things for longer periods of time- or go without some things all together- it was like “Whoa no, if you love me you’d do this for me.” And I’m sitting over here like… that’s the most one sided crap ever.

How can people we love not even try to understand? People don’t hear us say “I don’t like sex” they hear “I don’t want sex right now” because trying to understand another human being is just too damn challenging even when you love someone.

Not having family support is infuriating. Especially the false support, the “I love you no matter what, but keep your options open.” Oh, and if one more friend of mine sits there with raised eyebrows and bugged eyes, then says “well, I’m sorry for you because I do not have that problem,” when I finally have the courage to open up to them- I am going to lose it.

I want to carry asexual bingo cards in my wallet and just hand to people, because wow the “waiting” variations are mind numbingly stupid.

The school system is a massive failure on the asexual front. If one person had said “Oh, class there are also people who never want to have sex, and that’s normal. Let’s move onto the next slide of STD ridden genitals.” It could have changed my life. I’m furious about that the education classes told me “everyone wants sex” and everyone else told me “you’ll like it when you meet the right guy.” Under that impression, I spent so many years sleeping with people, sometimes crying through it, because I just wanted someone to fix me. Because I was broken, and the right magic penis was going to make it all better.

And the ally thing, oh I’m so with you. We can’t even have a letter. No room for us at the inn, because the inn is for people who do it. You don’t do it, so you wait outside with the sponges and the amoebas.

It feels so good to have someone to rant to. You’ve literally made my day. I’m so thankful that you get how I feel and I hope you know that I understand how you feel and I am here to vent/rant/complain to whenever needed. And I hope other asexuals read this and are reminded that there are people who get it. This blog has changed my view on how being asexual doesn’t always have to feel lonely. Honestly, the fact that you took the time to send me that… I can’t put it into words. THANK YOU! Thank you, thank you, thank you. Consider this a big digital hug right back.

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anonymous said:

could i see if anyone hates the term "sexy"? i didn't even realise i was ace until about a year ago but i could never say someone was sexy cause everything about the word felt creepy, anyone feel this way?

The only issue I’ve ever had with the term is in regard to people, where I could really understand what made someone “sexy”.

Anyone else have an opinion?

anonymous said:

I'm ace/aro and pretty open about it. Almost everyone in my family knows and I never though it'd ever be a real problem until a few days ago when this man (a pastor/minister, I'm not even sure what he is, the only thing I know is that he's religious and has some sort of position in his church) came to my house invited by my parents and dared to say to my face that this whole asexuality thing was not a real thing. It was the devil misleading me. I felt so outraged. The worse part of it all is

+ that my father seemed to agree with him. I don’t believe him, of course, but I felt utterly bad and even offended. It sucks

You have every right to feel offended.
I don’t really know what you can do against it, other than trying to explain to your father what asexuality really is. but if he’s so against it, maybe he won’t listen, and then there’s nothing else you can do other than avoiding him so he doesn’t make you uncomfortable.
you should do, what ever is healthiest and best for you. in a power dynamic where you live under your parents roof and can’t go somewhere else there’s a limit on what you can do.

anonymous said:

I came out to my friends as asexual, and I thought they accepted it. However, they keep talking shit about how I'll "change my mind", "get horny in highschool and do someone then", or "you'll meet some guy, change your mind, and want to get married and have kids". I've told them to stop, and that I'm asexual and nothing's going to change, but they persist. I'm not very social, and they're all I have. Do I stay and let it be awkward? Should I leave and be alone? I'm so conflicted :(

i’m so sorry your friends are being jerks. that sucks and you deserve better. now, whether or not you want to break it off with them will be up to you. not everyone can afford to just cut people out of their life, especially when they have a small social circle, i understand that

no one wants to be alone. you’re not at fault if you decide to stick around with them, even though they’re jerks to you. they’re the one’s who are in the wrong, not you. if you decide to stick with them, it may help to temporarily go back in the closet, so to speak. try to brush off their comments, give vague answers, deflect the conversation to something else; if they think you’ve changed your mind, they may back off

i want it to be clear that you are not a coward, if you choose to do this. you are taking care of yourself. constantly being on the defensive about your identity is emotionally draining. you’re allowed to do whatever you need to do to protect yourself. if that means letting them think what they need to think so they’ll leave you alone, then you’re free to do so

if you think you’re prepared to go at it alone, you can give them the ultimatum: either they leave you alone about your identity, or you stop hanging out with them. it may do the trick for them to realize that you’re serious about this. some of them may come around, but they may not. it’s a big step to break off relationships like this; only you can know if you’re prepared to do it, or if you think it’s worth it

before you make your decision, you might try one last attempt to get them to understand. you can say you want to talk seriously about your identity, and that the way they’ve been treating you is hurtful and unacceptable. that you’re open to answering their questions if they have any, but that it’s very important to you that they respect your identity. maybe they don’t even need to accept whether your identity’s real, just that they need to knock of the dismissive and invalidating comments. whatever their response if to that, might help you decide to stay with them or not

either way, i suggest you keep an eye out for new potential friendships. talk to people here and there. if someone approaches you and you don’t have reason to be wary of them, try to get to know them. it’ll probably feel awkward and seem fruitless, but you may strike gold

i went through a time near the end of elementary school when i started growing apart from my childhood friends and didn’t really have anyone close to me for a few years, until a girl asked me to eat lunch with her during my freshman year of high school. and she did that because we’d once exchanged awkward small talk about anime during 7th grade PE class, and now it’s been six years and she’s one of my closest friends

so try reaching out to new people; it may come back to you a strange way. i wish you luck and strength, anon. and i’m here if you ever need to talk about anything

~Mod Q

anonymous said:

Where would be a good place to find out about asexual fanfics? I'm looking for ones in a specific fandom, and I'd like to know what the best way to go about finding them would be. Thanks!

I know that there are a few Tumblr blogs that post specifically asexual fanfics. Just to name a few:

asexualfanfic

asexualfanfiction

asexy-fics

I’d also try searching “asexual!(Character Name)” or “asexual” in AO3 and then using the filters to drill down into the fandoms you’re looking for. 

Good Luck!!

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