You most certainly aren’t alone in that. I legitimately fear bringing up my asexuality, simply because absolutely no one understands. I get all sorts of reactions. The latest, granted to me merely a week ago, was, “oh, that’s great! That means you have sex just for the sake of the relationship.” Um, no. Not at all. And quid pro quo sex is never ‘great.’
Even my brother, whom I love very much, says I’ll switch on to sex when I meet the right guy.
When it comes to relationships, I had a really promising one that I had to back away from because, whenever my asexuality came up, he always assured me he “would wait.” For what? And it seems cruel, that no one bothers to understand that, yes, I want a relationship, and yes, I want it with a man, but no, I don’t want sex. And no, it’s not just me ‘holding out’ or ‘waiting until marriage’ or ‘testing him.’
The reactions I’ve gotten would fill the board of Asexual Bingo, as I’m sure yours would, too, and it hurts whenever people who you’d think would understand or accept you try to make you conform to their preconceived notions of what people are like. Even a lesbian asked me how I could know I wouldn’t like sex when I’d never had it, even though she knew she wouldn’t like to have sex with a man, even though she never had.
Personally, I think the worst part is that no one is ever taught about us. People spell out LGBT, and a few spell out LGBTQA - and don’t realize the A stands for Asexual, not Allies. It’s literally been hijacked, simply because people don’t even know we exist.
Sorry for the long, horrible rant-reply. I guess I just wanted to let you know that what you’re going through, when it comes to both relationships and just… everyone else, isn’t something you’re dealing with alone. And hopefully it’ll act as a little digital hug or something.
P.S. - You were fine posting the other comment; I don’t mind. I’m glad I was able to make you smile. If ever you want to post a comment of mine, it’s fine. :)
It took me a while to figure out how to put into words how much this message meant to me and how happy I am for you to be willing to share with me (and the internet as I figured you’d be okay with me posting this with your note at the end). Basically my problem is this- no one in my real life “gets” what it feels like to be asexual so your post/message thing just makes me want to just word vomit all of my feels. No, I do not think I or any asexual is alone but wow- until you get a message like your amazing one- it’s really easy to forget. So yeah, rant to me anytime you want because I want to rant right back, here it goes.
How stupid is it to be afraid to say “I don’t like sex.” AFRAID. Just like you, I’m terrified to say the words. I can’t say them to someone I feel romantic towards without crying and apologizing. WHAT?! Why am I sorry? Why am I afraid? Why do we live in a culture where it’s fear inducing to give a pass on sex?!
The last relationship I was in, which was the relationship I came out during, he would say “We can compromise, we’ll only have sex this often and we can do other sexual things in between.” When I freaked out, crying again, and asked why he couldn’t compromise by going without sex or sexual things for longer periods of time- or go without some things all together- it was like “Whoa no, if you love me you’d do this for me.” And I’m sitting over here like… that’s the most one sided crap ever.
How can people we love not even try to understand? People don’t hear us say “I don’t like sex” they hear “I don’t want sex right now” because trying to understand another human being is just too damn challenging even when you love someone.
Not having family support is infuriating. Especially the false support, the “I love you no matter what, but keep your options open.” Oh, and if one more friend of mine sits there with raised eyebrows and bugged eyes, then says “well, I’m sorry for you because I do not have that problem,” when I finally have the courage to open up to them- I am going to lose it.
I want to carry asexual bingo cards in my wallet and just hand to people, because wow the “waiting” variations are mind numbingly stupid.
The school system is a massive failure on the asexual front. If one person had said “Oh, class there are also people who never want to have sex, and that’s normal. Let’s move onto the next slide of STD ridden genitals.” It could have changed my life. I’m furious about that the education classes told me “everyone wants sex” and everyone else told me “you’ll like it when you meet the right guy.” Under that impression, I spent so many years sleeping with people, sometimes crying through it, because I just wanted someone to fix me. Because I was broken, and the right magic penis was going to make it all better.
And the ally thing, oh I’m so with you. We can’t even have a letter. No room for us at the inn, because the inn is for people who do it. You don’t do it, so you wait outside with the sponges and the amoebas.
It feels so good to have someone to rant to. You’ve literally made my day. I’m so thankful that you get how I feel and I hope you know that I understand how you feel and I am here to vent/rant/complain to whenever needed. And I hope other asexuals read this and are reminded that there are people who get it. This blog has changed my view on how being asexual doesn’t always have to feel lonely. Honestly, the fact that you took the time to send me that… I can’t put it into words. THANK YOU! Thank you, thank you, thank you. Consider this a big digital hug right back.