Why is everyone so pumped about Angel Heart? Especially Destiel shippers. Is it solely for the name?
Well, when the episode title was announced, we were like, “Okay this has a legitimate explanation, do not think about any angel hearts we’re concerned about. Remember when they wrote an episode titled SLASH FICTION? They like screwing with us.”
Then it was revealed that Cas was in the episode and we were like, “Okay, it’s the ending arc of the season, of course Castiel is there, we’re not gonna get excited, it’s probably not even about Castiel.”
Then we found out Robbie Thompson wrote the episode and we were like, “Oh. Um. That’s fine. I mean we’ll get some Destiel subtext in our one forty-second Dean and Cas scene because Robbie always delivers on that front, but it’ll still be subtexty business as usual.”
Then we got the sunset Cockles pictures while they were filming the episode and we were like, “Nothing to see here, just because Jensen and Misha have enough screentime together that they’re goofing off between takes and playing on twitter doesn’t mean Dean and Cas are gonna spend quality time together, we are FINE.”
Then they posted that video of them imitating the cat video and we were like, “Dean and Cas and Claire all together? And on a completely different set? Dean and Cas get at least TWO SCENES together, that’s fine, we’re fine, we’re NOT GONNA FREAK OUT.”
Then the episode summary came out and we were like, “Oh, and Amelia Novak too? Because we’ve already done the Cas-is-alone-in-his-body consent bit, and if we end up tying up this Novak loose end in a satisfying way, no one could really argue that Cas is a problematic romantic interest. It’s not like they did this exact same arc in the epic-length Redemption Road series of Destiel fanfics in order to resolve these issues, EXCEPT OH WAIT THEY DID. No. These two things are probably unrelated.” And then we weakly clutched our chests and whispered, “No homo.”
Then the promo pictures came out and we were like, “FOUR SCENES TOGETHER, THIS IS NOT A DRILL. DEAN AND CAS ARE IN AT LEAST FOUR SCENES TOGETHER THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY. But that’s surely all we get, that’s surely too much glory already, there are no-homo explanations for all of this. THIS IS FINE WE ARE FINE.”
And then the actual video promo came out and we were like, “Are you serious, Cas and the Novaks, Dean and Cas scenes, and NOW AN ANGEL ASSASSIN? When was the last time an angel assassin dealt with an Angel Heart? Oh yeah, in the badly-disguised Destiel fanfic that was Heaven Can’t Wait. WE ARE FINE WE ARE ALL FUCKING FINE NOBODY PANIC.”
There are too many things and we are excited about all of them, and trying to temper our own excitement with what we can realistically expect at this point in the season and this point in their plot arcs.
You sighed in peace as the warm water cascaded down your body, relaxing your soar muscles and washing away all the blood, dry and not, from you. It was a particularly difficult hunt but luckily was over now. It was some freaking demon, picking girls up at bars and then torturing them (as you had found out). All of them would go missing for exactly seven days and then would be found at the doorstep of their houses all bloodied, bruised, beaten and cut. Fortunately you managed to find the demon quickly but since you had the suspicion that he worked with others too, you had to follow him to find his hiding place.
Unfortunately for you, though, that meant that you had to be the bait. You had to go get all well-dressed, put some make up and try to seduce him into choosing you and getting you to his place as one of his ‘victims’. You really doubted in the beginning that he was going to choose you, though, not matter how much you tried to seduce him. Even if you tried your hardest you knew that there was no chance he would chose you over any other girl at the bar. Not that you had told this to the guys. You were self conscious about your body and whole image in general but you hadn’t showed it to the boys and certainly not Dean. Why would you?
You doubted he would even be interested to hear your self-pity words. You doubted he would even care to hear at all when he could have any woman he wanted to, clinging to him every second. Why would he? Sure you were best friends for about 5 years and had shared more than plenty of secrets and thoughts. You were really close, that was true, but you were not going to tell openly to the man that you were in love with (even though he didn’t know that either) the thoughts you had about yourself.
To cut a long story short, though, your plan had gone perfectly well, which also surprised you too. Despite Dean’s many protests of going in there as a bait the plan had worked and after you got the demon to take you to his place, Sam and Dean following closely behind, they both barged in and managed to kill them. Maybe it took them a little long, seeing as the demon managed to get to torture you, but it was nothing that an experienced hunter like you could not take.
You exited the bathroom and started drying your hair with a towel. Two thoughts constantly running through your mind. The one was the look on Dean’s eyes when he had barged in through the door of the warehouse where they kept you. You had never seen that look on his eyes before. Nothing that you had experienced before. When his eyes locked with yours and he saw the state you were, bloodied and with some bruises, you could clearly see it. He was angry but at the same time… scared. Of you getting hurt? Of you dying?… Of him losing you? You really couldn’t point your finger on it. But what surprised you even more was that when he managed with the help of Sam to kill all the demons and he managed to free you… he hugged you.
He had never hugged you so tightly and you had never heard his heart beat so wildly. Maybe it was from the adrenaline but you couldn’t help the tiny bit of hope in you that maybe it was because he was scared of losing you and he finally felt relief to have you in his arms. You didn’t really care at that moment though. You just hugged him like there was no tomorrow and decided not to think of anything else… but him and his arms wrapped tightly around you. His face buried in your neck and yours buried in his chest, breathing in his scent.
The other though, well the other thought that ran through your mind was the look on Dean’s eyes once again. But not when you were on the warehouse. No, this time it was the look Dean had on his eyes when you had walked out of your room; black high heels on, accompanied by a tight black dress that showed off your curves more than you’d like. You didn’t have another one, though, and you needed to do the job asap. Catching the demons was more important that your own insecurities. The look on Dean’s eyes though made you want to hide yourself from eyesight, even more. You couldn’t really decipher it, but his wide eyes and wide open mouth certainly indicated that he was shocked. You didn’t really know if it was a pleasant shock or not, though.
You scoffed at the thought itself.
“Why the hell would it be a pleasant shock, huh?” you asked your own self.
“As if there is anything beautiful here to be pleased to see, anyway” you muttered to yourself, staring back at your own reflection on the full length mirror on your room. You had only worn your underwear so every curve and little scar could be easily spotted, even if it was in the most well-hidden place.
You scoffed at yourself again, tears welling up in your eyes “Look at you” you mumbled, touching your own face and then running your fingers down your body, over every little scar or stretch mark; gripping at some places where there was a little more fat. Your arms, your stomach, your hips, your legs.
“Like there is even anything interesting on you” you spoke bitterly at your reflection on the mirror “Like there is even anything that could make him look at you any other way that friendly. The hell he would” you spit the last word, a tear rolling down your cheek.
“Just look at you” you laughed, though it was full of pain “Why would he, huh? Why, when he can have any woman he wants to. Certainly not you. Why the hell you?” your vision started to become more blurry.
Tears had by now started streaming down your face, though a pained smile was on your lips.
“Like hell would he ever be interested in you. Why, when he can have any other beautiful woman he wants to clinging of him. Why would he ever see you as more than just as a friend. Why would he, when there in no beauty here anyway. Why, when with just one look he can see all of your flaws.” you asked in a bitter voice tone.
You shook your head and laugh bitterly through your tears “What the hell am I even saying. Look at me. I am one big fucking flaw” you put your hands in front of your face just to wipe a few tears away. Not that it helped anyway.
“Look at you.” you said looking back at yourself in the mirror “Look at all of your freaking flaws. Why would he be attracted to someone with this looks, huh, why?” you asked through sobs.
Your whole body would shake with sobs. Your knees gave away, unable to support you any longer, and you collapsed to the ground. You hit your legs with your hands clenched in fists.
“I hate you, damn it! I fucking hate you!” you all-but-shouted and you looked back at your reflection in the mirror. At your tear-stained cheeks and every little detail of your face that you didn’t like about yourself.
You shook your head, gritting your teeth, and averting your eyes from the mirror. You brought your knees up and hugged them to yourself. Your crying could no be stopped now. Sobs shaking your whole body.
Many times you would stay till late at night, thinking of all those things and crying yourself until sleep enveloped you. There were many times too that when the boys were not at the bunker that you would stand in front of the mirror staring at all the things you didn’t like about yourself and crying. You had never gone at the extended of shouting at your own self and saying out loud all the things you hated but the thought was always there. The thought of not being good enough.
You mind felt dizzy from all the crying and you had started to doubt your ability to hear as well. Until-
Two strong arms grabbed at your shoulders and shook you violently, making you pull away and look up to meet two green and filled with worry orbs looking back at you.
“What the hell do you even think you’re doing?!” Dean’s voice, clearly filled with anger, snapped you from your daze.
“I-” was the only thing you managed to say.
“What the hell (Y/n)?!” he shouted once again “Tell me what the actual hell were all the things you said?!” he asked holding onto your shoulders more tightly.
“You- you heard that?” you managed to say in a low whisper.
“Yes, damn it! Yes I did! And you better have a good explanation or else I-” he started saying but you cut him off.
“Don’t, Dean. Please. I am perfectly aware of how I am. Just- don’t-” you couldn’t say more but just fought to keep the new wave of tears from flowing.
Silence followed for a while, until Dean decided to break it.
“You can’t be serious right now, can you?” he asked, his voice laced with disbelief “You can’t be seriously thinking that low of yourself” he added in a whisper.
“Dean I- I know perfectly well that I’m not beautiful so-” you started saying but he cut you off.
“Don’t! Don’t you dare say it once again! Don’t you dare even think of it or else I swear to every god I’ve met that I’m gonna go through heaven and hell to change that myself, you hear me?!” he shouted on full angel and all you could do was nod with wide eyes. You would be lying if you said that you were not slightly afraid at that moment.
“I’m sorry” he sighed looking down for a second “And I’m sorry that I hadn’t realized it all this time. But damn (Y/n), stop saying it. Stop thinking of it. And just talk to me. Why the hell would you even think so low of yourself, sweetheart?” he asked brushing a few tears off your face.
“Because… that’s the truth Dean.” you murmured and you saw anger flash through his eyes once again and his jaw clench, but he didn’t say anything.
“I am not pretty and I am perfectly aware of all my flaws. I’ve got extra weight but no matter how much I try to lose it I just- I can’t. I’m- I’m not beautiful Dean, and I know it. You do too” you brushed a few tears off your face “I am nothing like all those girls you pick up at bars and nor can I ever be.” you added in a whisper.
“Yes you are nothing like them cause you are way better!” he said in a firm voice “Damn it (Y/n) just hear me out, ok? You are beautiful. In fact you are the most beautiful girl I’ve ever met. You have no idea how much I fucking love those curves of you and how cute those small scars make you. You have no idea how much I freaking love this rocking body of yours, because believe me it is freaking hot. You are freaking hot, (Y/n). I could see it when you wore that tight dress earlier today and I can even more see it now” he said and you, upon realizing that you were only in your underwear, brought your knees closer to yourself in order to cover yourself up somehow.
“No, don’t hide from me princess” he whispered in an almost loving voice tone. He took your arms away from your knees and you let them fall to the floor as you gazed back at his eyes which would not stop roaming your body “So freaking gorgeous” he whispered mostly to himself and you felt heat rise in your cheeks, his eyes looking every inch of your body as if trying to memorize you.
This has to be a dream you thought There is no way Dean would like me this way.
“You say I’m hot but you- you never actually flirted with me the way you do with all those girls” you mumbled and his eyes snapped up to meet yours.
“I never actually flirted with you because-” he paused for a while, unsure if he should continue"-I was afraid. I was afraid of you rejecting me. You know I never was good with words (Y/n), and all those chicks- they were just a way for me to forget what I never could have.You.“ he sighed running a hand down his face "I know this probably is kind of late but damn- I have always liked you, ok? Like really liked you and I-” he started speaking again but you cut him off.
“You like me?” you asked with wide eyes “You like me?”
“Yeah, yeah I do and I- if you want to, we could…” he trailed scratching the back of his head.
You bit your lip not sure if you should do what you were thinking but decided to do so, either way. Without a second thought you grabbed him by his shirt and crashed your lips to his.
His eyes widened in the beginning but soon tarted to respond. His hands traveled up your arms to your neck and cupped your face, goosebumps were created on your skin.
“Sorry I just-” you whispered out of breath as soon as you both pulled away, heat rising in your cheeks.
“Still haven’t realized the effect you have on me, have you?” he asked with a small smirk and you frowned a little bit. You opened your mouth to question him but soon you got the answer to your question. Your eyes followed his, down to his pants and you quickly averted them, blushing even more as soon as you saw the bulge in his pants.
Dean only chuckled and kissed your cheek softly.
“I didn’t know that you felt of me that way” you mumbled and he laughed softly.
“Obviously you’re as much clueless as beautiful” he smiled and pecked your lips.
You laughed and looked down at your hands “Thank you Dean” you mumbled after a while of silence.
“No need to thank me princess. You know it’s the truth” he smiled “Right?” his smile fluttered for a split second.
“Yeah, Dean. I know” you smiled at him and closed the distance between you.
You hugged tightly and you buried your face in his chest, breathing in his scent.
“Now, how about we get you dressed before you catch a cold, hm?” he asked through your hair.
“Or maybe we could get rid of these too?” he asked with a smirk and you rolled your eyes.
“Dean!” you said and he laughed.
“What baby?” he asked.
“You’re an asshole” you mumbled and his chest vibrated as he laughed more.
He hugged you more tightly and you sighed in content. Every bad thought about yourself disappearing from your mind as if it was never there. Because in Dean’s arms you actually felt good enough for him and that’s what mattered to you.
This is a song I wrote about Dean in Season 10, I was trying to capture the kinda hopelessness of his situation. (Bare in mind I’m a few episodes behind!) This is a really rough audio so I’m sorry, but I’ll try and re-record it soon. If you’d like to download this song there are a hundred free downloads here.
(You can find me on iTunes or Spotify by typing in Beth Jo if you’d like to hear more songs like Destiel, Mockingjay and The Fault in our Stars.)
LYRICS: I’ve been praying for something I can’t find and
You’ve been waiting to see the brighter side but
It’s not working, time don’t heal that way and
I’m still hurting, ‘cause it’s so hard to stay
Afloat, when you know this is all your fault
Don’t you know? I’m trying hard not to fall
It’s all the same, this is everyday for me now
I’ll waste away; It’s all the same to me now
I’ve done everything you’ve ever asked of me
I’ve breathed in deeply, to try and be the man
You want me to, I want that too but it’s not easy
I can’t stay afloat, when I know that it’s all my fault
It’s all the same, this is everyday for me now
I’ll waste away; It’s all the same to me now
Don’t you think it’s more than selfish now?
I may have risked it, but I didn’t know how it would all play out
What are you expecting from the rest of this season? Especially with Charlie's role in the myth, and do you think that Sam is going to fail to save Dean and that will break their codependency? I know you think Destiel is going to go canon but do you think it's going to be at textual at all this year? Sorry for so many questions, but you are one of my faves <3
This is the point in the season where all the plotlines start coming together and making sense as a whole. Usually one is more time-sensitive and gets dealt with at the season finale, while one or two others provide the Big Twist Ending to set up conflict for the next season.
So we’ve got the Mark of Cain, Rowena’s seduction of Sam (regardless of whether it’s sexual, it IS a seduction… to the dark side, if you will) and her desire to have Crowley dead, and Metatron getting the demon tablet.