Sometimes, I see red.
At about the age puberty hit, I was diagnosed with Transient Global Amnesia. Right before the onset of an episode, I get a sort of flash of red in my eyes (the rising of my blood pressure), like lightening, then I black out for some period of time, forgetting everything within that time period. My doctors tell me the red is an aura I get, kind of like what people with migraines or seizures experience right before an episode. My episodes are almost always brought on my something bad. When I found out my parents were getting a divorce, I saw red. When I watched my pet cat get hit by a car, I saw red. When I found my studio got broken into, I saw red. I’ve seen quite a bit of red. I have dreams about it, which scares me because I can get confused with reality and dream. Right about now, I am horrified of what might be going on in real life.
Disclaimer: All names have been changed for obvious reasons. I don’t even know if I should be posting this to the internet. I just don’t know what to do. Here we go.
Last night, my boyfriend of four years (Phil) and I got into a fight. He told me that he and my best friend Becca kissed at the bar last night while I was in the bathroom. They were “sooo wasted”, he said. I felt my walls crumble. After Phil told me this, I felt my blood pressure rise immediately and I saw red. The last thing I remember is Phil saying,
"I was so drunk, most of me thought it was you sitting there…"
I woke up the next morning at my studio alone. I must have stormed out of Phil’s place and crashed. My eyes were puffy so I knew I had been crying. I felt exhausted. I called Phil to ask him what happened during my episode (he knows all about my TGA). He told me I started crying immediately. He asked me if I knew whether or not I was having one of my episodes. I apparently told him that I was not and that I didn’t see red. We ended up breaking up last night. He said after I cried a lot, around midnight, I left for my house.
I hung up the phone and I cried some more. I didn’t leave my bed all day. Fast forward to this afternoon, and I’m about to get ready to go into work (reluctantly). I manage a local restaurant and it was important that I showed up. I got a pit in my stomach though, just thinking about heading into work because Becca was one of my waitresses. I decided that I would swiftly fire her, no questions, no conversation, a clean cut deal. Finally, three o’clock rolled around and I had to get to work to take inventory.
I was running around my studio grabbing my keys, a cheese stick for the road, my cell phone, the works. Just as I was about to run out the door, I paused and realized I needed to pee. I ran back to my bathroom and sat down real quick. Waiting for my bladder to empty, I looked across the bathroom at the bathtub.
Only a drop, on the bathtub faucet. It was about the size of a dime, but I know blood when I see it. I checked myself, it wasn’t my period. I looked up at the ceiling, all clear. I didn’t have much time so I chalked it up to me cutting myself while shaving yesterday and just never noticing the blood.
I raced out of the house, hopped in my car and sped off to work. While sitting at a red light, I noticed my gas tank was about a quarter less than what I thought it was only yesterday. I drove to Phil’s, but he only lives a mile or so away. I’m a busy woman though, and I didn’t feel like calculating all of my whereabouts, accounting for a quarter tank of gas, and by time the light turned green, I’d already forgot all about it.
When I got into work, the restaurant was pretty quiet, aside from a couple regulars and a family of four. I scanned my staff, Jackie, Logan, Mitchell, Darien, Becca. Becca-
"Darien, where’s Becca?" I shouted as I entered the kitchen.
"Never showed up" Darien said while cutting up some veggies.
I looked over at our board of name tags.
Her name tag was hanging there. I walked over, took it off the board, and tossed it in the trash.
"If anyone sees Becca today, tell her to find me in my office or in the dry storage closet. Now get to work fellas! The specials are posted next to the calendar!"
I headed over to dry storage and started taking inventory. Clicking my pen in between counts, I was thinking about how Becca probably never showed up to work because she was too scared to confront me. I’m sure Phil warned her that he told me about the other night. As I was jotting down some numbers, I noticed something dark under my nail. I paused briefly, picked it, flicked it, and continued my notes.
Midway through writing inventory, something flashed within me. I felt sick, hot, almost like I was about to pass out. I rushed to my office chair to sit down for a moment. When I got there, I took a few breaths and started to calm down, but something just did not feel right. Just then, I looked down into my waste basket that was under my desk. Usually its only contents are scrap paper, and empty yogurt cups. But there was a big black trash bag tied off inside of it today.
I slid my trashcan out to get a better look. It was heavier than usual.
Just then, I got another wave of nausea, of feeling sick. After letting it pass again, I decided to go back and watch the restaurant’s surveillance tape from last night. The camera was angled so that the front and side doors were in sight. I fast forwarded throughout the night, nothing exciting. Until 2:44 am rolled around. I noticed some headlights pull into the parking lot, then a woman run towards the side door with a black trash bag.
I could not believe what I was seeing. I was watching myself on the security camera. I unlocked the side door swiftly, and I was inside of the restaurant.
Shaking almost uncontrollably, I decided to take the rest of the day off, I could take inventory tomorrow. I placed the black trash bag into another bag, put it into a canvas tote I had in my office and headed home. My hands were shaking at the wheel of my car. What the fuck did I do last night? What the fuck did I do?
I’ve been pacing around the black trash bag all evening. I am now currently sitting in my kitchen with it. I felt around the bottom of the bag without opening it. It feels like spaghetti. It has weight. I am so scared, I do not want to open it.
I saw red last night. What the fuck did I do? Where the fuck is Becca??
Credits to: Seen_Red