Sometimes I wonder if I’m someone’s favorite blog.
Other times I wonder if there’s people on Tumblr who can’t stand my blog.
Technically speaking, we all put effort into our Tumblr blogs (unless maybe you’re a lurker, but even still), and while some of us put more work into it than others, we all love Tumblr and we’re here because we want to be. Are favorite blogs relevant when everyone puts some sort of love into their work?
I don’t know. Personally, I’m a very self-conscious person, so if someone asks me if I deserve all of my followers, I’d say ‘no’ without hesitation, then go on an hour long rant about why/how I’m not worthy and why I don’t think people ‘actually want’ to follow me. It’s not like I think the whole thing’s a conspiracy or something like that, but when one lies awake in bed as much as I do, the mind starts to wander.
Since I’ve been through a lot of self-esteem shattering moments, I think it’s natural for me at this point to wave off someone’s follow or compliment as them just trying to be nice. It’s like someone pandering to a little child who shows them a drawing; even if it’s the worst drawing in existence, you might lie anyway because the child just seems so happy about it.
Though, at the same time, everyone puts things on their own ranking lists, even if they don’t know it. It’s a bit of a human thing. I for one end up ranking my friends on how well they match up with me. It’s not intentional, it just happens. Good friend, great friend, best friend; all terms used to describe different types of friends. It’s generally not a matter of how much you talk to said-friend; it’s more of just how well you connect and relate to them. If you can fangirl or spaz out about the same things that another friend does, it’s likely that you think of them as either a great friend or a best friends, but that doesn’t technically mean that they feel the same way about you, right?
In the grand scheme of things, most of one’s relationships with others won’t line up perfectly vice versa. Person X might think of Person Y as a good friend, while Person Y thinks of Person X as a great friend. It’s nothing personal; just being human. I’m sure we’d all prefer it if relationships like that were more even, but human opinion and the general human mindset forbids such things.
I honestly have a lot of blogs that I follow where I think they’re a thousand times better than me in every sense and I might as well delete my own because ‘why should I even try’. I have a bad tendency to get jealous of other blogs and it causes my own blog to look inferior by comparison. My own opinion technically doesn’t count in the matter since a person’s self is their own worst critic, but my mind naturally goes to that when I think about who I follow and who follows me.
Maybe I’ll never understand it, but then again, maybe I’m not supposed to.