It’s watching your daughter die, but not suddenly. It’s day by day, looking frailer, smaller, closer to a coffin. It’s not seeing her be hit by a car or be kidnapped and murdered. God knows those things must be true torture. But don’t think because it’s not sudden it’s not utterly as painful- because watching your baby slowly wither away into dust and bones is slow and agonising because every moment spent seeing her get weaker is another moment you have to come to terms with what’s happening; another moment spent thinking what caused it, who’s to blame, what do you do. But those questions can never be answered until she chooses to recover herself… You’re not recovering, you’re melting away slowly but surely. Our tranquility is commendable. We’re not screaming and shouting and crying at you, but every day I spend sitting on the verge of tears, wondering if it’ll be the same tomorrow or if you’ll be gone.
—  My dad, on having an anorexic daughter.
a reminder

I am not a model. I am not a celebrity, or personal trainer or athlete. I do not have to fit any kind of mould.

my body is allowed to just be natural, at it’s happy place. there are no restraints placed upon my size.

Tonight I found a picture of me from about a year and a half ago when I was being forced into treatment. I didn’t want to recover. I was fighting the treatment rather than fighting my eating disorder. My eyes in this picture were completely dead. I had never noticed that before.

So, I put it next to a picture of me from last week. A picture of me in recovery by my own choice! I’m both pictures, I am definitely struggling, but now I am accepting the help and constantly fighting my disorder. The difference in my eyes is incredible. I look alive now! Looking at these two pictures tonight have really proven true the quote, “my worst days in recovery are better than my best days in relapse.” Seriously. Choose recovery. It’s hard, but looking back at myself before I really chose to be invested in getting better, I know with all my heart that it is the best choice I’ve ever made.

2

good morning world :)
I’m feeling super positive and excited for the holidays (which officially started on Friday!) and I’m planning just to spend it with my friends and try not to stress too much!

So I'm seeing the Boy today... 😳

I’m so bloody nervous!! And of course I’m now having the worst body image day ever… I hope it’s just the nerves and I haven’t actually ballooned over night.. But I’m so nervous to see him. I don’t want to mess this up, because I always do!

Part of me is frightened that as soon as he finds out what a headcase I am, he I is going to run away. It happened before with the last guy I let myself have feelings for.

Any advice??
Sending my loving!! Thanks to all the new followers, you guys are amazing!!!!!💛

Update

-So today was like super busy for me, I woke up at like 9 and volunteered at the Living Lightly Fair (all about sustainability, environmentalism, etc.) until 1:00 or so
-Then I went back to my dorm, had lunch, and then went to a cookout for sorority with the fraternity we’re pairing with for homecoming week
-I had a decent time at the cookout, obviously it’s always a little awkward at those sorts of things but it was nice to be with my sisters and the guys were pretty friendly too and it was nice to tour their house and just hang out
-Then after that my sorority was having a little “park day” sisterhood event at a local park, where we basically just hung out, climbed on the playground a little bit, and took pictures. And I had a good time at this too (OMG, what’s gotten into me!)
-Then after the park I went to Steak n’ Shake with some of the girls which was a lot of fun as well.
-It’s really awesome getting to know some of the new pledges and also girls from the spring pledge class bc I left before I got to meet most of them. It seems all the girls I’ve been getting to know are all so sweet!!
-Now I’m just in my dorm chilling, as I honestly didn’t feel like trying to make any plans— I’m an introvert, so after a day of socializing, I need some “me” time. My roommate is here though so I get to catch up with her!
-It is honestly so crazy that I actually had a good time today and didn’t feel like leaving and wanting to go back to my dorm. I usually cannot handle too much time of socialization with large groups of people, but I did it today!
-I binged on peanut butter before the cookout, but now that seems like so long ago. I’ve decided I’m going to meal plan for tomorrow to help me get my eating more regular so I don’t feel the urge to binge.
-Sorry this post was all over the place, but have a lovely evening!!

[ ♫ ]

I managed to get out of the house this morning for something that wasn’t just work or Dr. related. Sure, it was only a quick couple of errands, nothing and nowhere special, but after so much time spent at home it actually felt distinctly good to get out. Although it wasn’t totally ordinary, I suppose, as I bought my very own mixing bowl set (!!!) and picked up the ingredients for the cupcakes I plan to bake tomorrow. :3

3

My mom has been sick with stress and have a break from work at the moment. I’m worried about her so we ate dinner out yesterday so she could talk a little bit with me and comfort me.

It isn’t bad, but it could be very bad if she didn’t take a break. I’m very glad her doctor took the initiative - it was her decision.

We ate at a vegetarian cafe called Cafe N. If you every visit Copenhagen you need to eat at this place!

We ordered a vegetarian burger with sweet potato, potato and beetroot fries and a tropical juice. Yummy yum! 😋

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