Each illness affects a different part of my life, and each is as bad as the other. Anxiety for example makes everyday tasks impossible. It makes things like tests, going out in public, appointments that much more unbearable than regular people. It makes my thoughts go crazy, it makes my head spin and 90% of the time i feel out of control when i’m experiencing its symptoms.
Furthermore, depression makes other aspects of my life that much harder as well. Like when i’m not feeling anxious, i feel suicidal. I have dangerous thoughts, and not to mention the torturous low mood that CONSTANTLY hangs over me, like a dark cloud following me, whispering bad things in my ear no matter what. Then there’s my Comorbid eating disorder which makes whats considered a normal routine (eating) that much harder. It makes me think about food 99% of the time, constantly stressing, constantly hating myself, constantly feeling guilty and never being able to walk past a mirror without examining myself for longer than necessary. And what’s that? Suddenly the guilt has gone away and i allow myself to binge on delicious foods? As soon as i finish what’s in front of me, BAMN guilt takes over, i can’t think, i can’t move without experiencing strong urges, until i cannot resist purging anymore. And what about the laxatives that go along with that? My body cannot function without them. How ridiculous is that? I have to go to the fucking toilet a dozen times a day because i can’t have food without laxatives, because the thought of having all that food stuck inside my stomach makes me want to rip myself apart.
Then what about the Borderline Personality Disorder? It makes yet ANOTHER “normal” aspect of daily life impossible- relationships. I can’t have stable meaningful relationships. I have the biggest problem with authority, i latch onto them, strongly attached and obsessed, idealising them to the extreme, and then if they do one thing wrong or say one thing i don’t like, BAMN i DESPISE them. These people literally consume my mind. And what’s worth is the ambiguous self image, not knowing who i really am without all of this. And the mood swings are HELL. When i think i’m having an okay day, BAMN, i’m twisting and tumbling into utter darkness and despair. Put that together with regular self-harm and you have absolute hell.
That’s why i tell people- it doesn’t matter if your life isn’t that bad, or whatever, it doesn’t matter. These illnesses CONSUME YOUR LIFE AND MAKE IT HELL. They make EVERYTHING an effort. They make everything SO MUCH MORE COMPLICATED. It’s one of the reasons why i try not to pay attention to anon hate, people who call me an attention seeker or tell me to “suck it up and be happy” because they don’t understand. THEY DO NOT UNDERSTAND.
I want everyone fighting with these illnesses or other illnesses to know that they’re NOT ALONE, PEOPLE UNDERSTAND THEM, HATERS ARE IGNORANT, AND THEY CAN GET THROUGH THIS.
This was really hard for me to say, i’m so sorry!!!