I saw you tonight…. You walked in and looked at me with regret, I punched the wall and said “are you fucking kidding me” and walked out and lit up a cigarette and tried to stop myself from screaming…. Seeing you felt like a stab to the heart. Like my world came crashing down all over again
—  I’m shaking and sad but I still love you
You know what? Fuck you because you had your chance and I gave you every God damn thing I had but it was never enough for you so don’t you dare try and come back and tell me that you’ve changed your mind because I deserve better
—  You Had Your Chance
Hold On

Don’t hold me back or hold me down.

Just hold me.

I am too wrapped in barbed-wire to be hugged. My spittle and blood are heavily acidic, like they’re trying to burn their way out of my flesh and through the hull of a spaceship. 

Everything about me is caustic and cruel. Especially my hair.

I want to tell you something that ruins your world. I want to rain all over your parade until the gutters are overflowing with glitter. 

We’ll break you open like you’re full of candy. We’ll peel back the layers of your onion skins, and deep fry the rest after you’ve all been dipped in batter.

I need a smoke. Not a cigarette. I need a smoke, and a spark, and enough fire to burn this whole town down to cinders. 

Or maybe,

I just need,

A hug. 

Having a horrible BPD moment, where I’m totally aware I’m falling head into my emotion, intensely and chaotically! I’m unbalanced right now, and aware i am- as much as I don’t want to say it- over reacting. I immediately want to justify my emotions and response, because at the minute I feel so hurt, so betrayed, so misunderstood.
I expressed a feeling and an event- maybe somehow the emotion got tied into the vision of events, that the words I spoke where not exact to the script as it played out… But It’s burning to the pit of my stomach the thought of what I expressed was exaggerated, deliberately twisted in some way for my own gain, that I was bias- suggesting a more dreadful experience that it was….. IT WAS FUCKING DREADFUL! To me anyway! And no I can’t remember word for word how the script rolled out for real- but I was expressing my discontent for the situation- I don’t think I was too far off the real situation- in fact I know it was bad because as I unfolded the relation in the reality, I was offered an apology- ((fuck sake- I’m justifying my actions)) so when I did speak of the event, although it wasn’t word perfect, I still feel I wasn’t being completely unrepresentable of the events that happened.
And he picked me up on it, like I was lying! Like I was making mountains out of mole hills, like it was all in my head. That it wasn’t that bad, but I was just making it out to be that way! And in those few words, where he corrected me, he undid me- he left me back out In the cold where no one believed me, that it was just me- that it was just in my head, just like the words my father said.
Sometimes I wish the words people said left a mark, a horrible gouging wound that justified the pain I felt- because then I wouldn’t be exaggerating, then I wouldn’t be sensationalising, or dramatising- then you would sit there and agree what she said to me was brutally unforgiving.
#bpd #crazymoment #actingout #sad #angry #hatethis #ffs #notadramaqueen #fuckyou still #overreacting #dontcare #hurts #betrayed #exaggeration #dontevenknowanymore #timetogethigh #badcopingstratergy