and-it-is-going-to-eat-me

Life Updates

Hey everyone.  I just wanted to write a blog on what’s been going on with me lately.  The simplest way to put this is:  I am exhausted.  Mentally and physically.  The last year had been an extremely trying time with my family members, my own finances, work, friendships, and I am in a genuinely bad head space.

As many people know, since I speak so candidly about it sometimes, I am a recovering from an eating disorder which I suffered from the majority of my life, as well as BDD and depression, things that normally coincide with an eating disorder.  Despite turning my horrible habits around completely and eating well, exercising, and doing really good video work, the mentality of it all still effects me.  You never really recover, and the last few months have been out of control for me even though I’ve recovered physically.  I’m very proud of what I’ve accomplished and am accomplishing now.  I am able to put together videos and even be on camera (which is terrible for someone with bulimia.  It’s like a nightmare, and I celebrate whenever I am able to put myself out there.)  Seemingly normal things don’t feel normal.  Mundane, simple things like grocery shopping put me off.  Social media is exhausting.  I feel like everyone wants my attention, viewers and friends alike, and I can’t give it even though I try really hard to be amiable.  I think about death a lot.  I think about what it would be like to cease to exist.  However, my past suicidal attempts keep me from doing anything drastic.  I don’t want to revisit those times for anything, but the thoughts about ceasing to exist remain even though I am not an immediate threat to myself.  I am able to keep going because I truly want to be content and productive, but right now it’s all crashing down on me.  Things feel off, and close friends of mine have agreed.  I cannot imagine trying to go on with my life the way I am currently feeling without some kind of help.  For lack of a stronger, emotional way to phrase this: It sucks. 

I’ve put a lot of thought into it, and I’ve decided to look into a stronger, more long term type of therapy.  This is a hard admission for me, because for a long time, I felt like I was functioning well, and I thought I was past a lot of the hardship.  The thought of “Fuck, people think I am doing really well.  People think I am strong, and are inspired by me, and now I am back in therapy.  What am I even going to tell people?”  is intense.  But rationally, I know the strongest thing I can do is tell you guys that I’m looking into therapy, and perhaps not talking about it or admitting it honestly would just be adding to the already existing stigma about therapy and psychiatric care, and you guys know I would never want that.  I always want to be supportive and candid.

I don’t want to stop making videos, but there are certain things I need to take steps away from.  Social media is one of the most exhausting things because I love being involved with the community I’ve built, but at this point…it needs to be far less frequent.  I can’t talk to people very frequently, even friends.  I lose focus and I stress about people very easily, and so for now, I will be far less communicable.  Not fully away, but I’d like people to understand that I do not want to be glued to the internet while I am trying to get help.  I do want to keep making videos and uploading them in the meantime, as this is how I make money, so I’ve decided to keep on doing that and keep it in check.  As long as I don’t start to obsess about being on the internet when I *should* be focusing on myself, it should be okay, and I do have people in my life who are willing to help me with that.

I am hopeful, and I want you guys to know that.  Things have been rough, and I would love more than anything to turn it around and keep things in the right direction for good.  I am not ashamed of wanting to improve.

I will also be going in for some surgery in April, and I realize that I am not even in the right head space for that either, so I have a lot to keep in mind and I want to feel prepared for that.  

There is no set amount of time for this; I’ll be getting the extra help for as long as I have to.  It’s not to say I won’t talk EVER, but I ask everyone to please be understanding if I am just not in the mood for idle chit chat, on Twitter, Facebook, YouTube, or otherwise.  Making sure my content gets out there is way more of a priority to me than being social at this point, so that will be something I plan on making sure still happens.  Y’all know I love talking about just about anything, but truly…I don’t have the energy.  I really appreciate your understanding and patience in advance and I will try very hard to keep you updated.  I appreciate having an audience that accepts me for who I am and also happens to find my videos entertaining.  Hopefully there will be more good in my future than bad, and maybe even someone will read this and also be inspired to make extra steps for improvement in their life as well.

Thank you for reading.  I realize this blog isn’t the most humorous, exciting read, so I do encourage you to watch this video after you are reading.  It makes me laugh like a maniac.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Z2Z23SAFVA

  • Me when my friend is gone for one day:well it's just me against the world. i never realized how truly alone i was until this very moment. i'm going to die with no one by my side. everyone i love leaves me. Eating lunch by myself hurts more than ever. Why. Why did you leave me.

socks192 asked:

so I hear you guys are going to play heavily on morals for this game or am I mistaken? I'd love to see more zombie games that aren't 75% comedic relief. Since you're indie are you going to touch down on more sensitive subject that would occur during such an apocalypse?

Let me answer that with a long, boring ramble.

One of the guiding principles of this game, as I wrote out the script, was to not skip over the details. Which is why the story starts with the immediate onset of the zombie plague, and not a few weeks later. You’re forced to deal with the immediate and confusing events as crazy men suddenly start attacking and murdering and eating people. If you kill them, is it murder? Do you save your neighbors or do you save yourself? Do you try and find all your family or wait for the police? Do you try and kill zombies so they can’t hurt anyone else, or do you steer clear? Do you try and be a hero, or do you try and stay alive? How do keep going when you suffer an unbearable loss? Some of these choices are made for you (to drive the story) and others are left up to you to decide.

The neat thing in Aberford is that with a group of heroines, the dynamics of these choices play out. They don’t hive-think; everyone has different reactions to what’s going on. And they take turns being strong for each other as the tragedy unfolds.

We want Aberford to be a lot more than just a zombie revenge fantasy. We want it to be study in how people who are both trapped in and dependent upon a rigid society react as that society collapses. There so much dramatic possibility in a 1950′s zombie apocalypse, it would be a shame not to really dig into it.

Calvin and Hobbes
  • Calvin:I no longer wish to be called a "boy."
  • Hobbes:Isn't that what you are?
  • Calvin:Yes, but I find that term demeaning and sexist.
  • Hobbes:What do you want to be called then?
  • Calvin:A "Chromosomally-Advantaged Youth."
  • Hobbes:That may not catch on.
  • Me:Oh, the feminists are going to eat him alive.

Boss: Tell me what’s the most common cause of Parkinson’s disease in young people?

Me: Genetic factors..

Boss: Okay, what’s the most common cause of Parkinson’s disease in drug users?

Me: Drugs laced with MPTP.

Boss: (narrows eyes). Fine, what’s the most common cause of Parkinson’s disease among the native people of Guam?

Me: …okay, I am totally stumped.

Boss: That would be Lytico-Bodig Disease.

Me:

Boss: The inhabitants of Guam eat a rare bat, which itself eats a rare plant, which carries a rare neurotoxin in its seeds, and that causes Parkinson’s.

Me: I guess that’s…not too surprising. They traced Ebola to people eating bat meat too 

Boss: Really? You know what? I’m going to say it. Eating bat is a bad idea.

Me: (in my head) That depends if we’re talking about saturated bat or unsaturated bat.

Dear Indiana, After what you did today I will no longer be flying from your airports, stopping in your state to purchase gas for my car, stopping to eat when I drive through your state, going to your sporting events, visiting your state fair, going to your colleges and universities, purchasing from any company in your state and anything and everything that gets my tax dollars. I am beyond speechless that you have passed such a law against me and my community. I only speak for myself but when you don’t see my money I promise you will hear me more than a simple post on facebook. I’ll see you again and you will see my money again when your law changes. -Michael

I personally will be travelling through indiana on amtrak from MI to CHI, wearing my have a gay day sweatshirt.  because fuck you.  :D

anonymous asked:

prompt: without you

(Part 7 of ?)

“If you go, then I go.” Daryl said it as a matter-of-fact, like it was that simple.

Carol paused. “It’s not going to come to that. Deana isn’t going to exile me.”

She’d helped him navigate out of the exam room in the clinic, to the patient room where Rosita was keeping a vigil over Tara. He’d take her instructions to sit on the couch in the room and rest, but only so long as she was sitting nearby, within his reach. Tara was still unconscious, and Carol had said that she would stay with her and Daryl while Rosita went to grab something to eat.

“I’m not lettin’ you take off on your own, neither.” Daryl had agreed to let her wrap a few layers of bandaging around his eyes, to let them heal without the light hitting them. He hated it, but he tolerated it. “You go; I go.”

Carol sighed, unscrewing a bottle of water and pressing it into his hand. “Drink this, and take these.” She deposited two tablets of aspirin in his palm.

He grumbled but swallowed the pills along with half the contents of the bottle.

“Everything’ll be all right around here without Pete,” he muttered. “Rosita did a pretty good job.” He gestured vaguely to the stitching on his forehead. “Eugene’s smart, even if he’s an idiot sometimes. You done more’n your fair share of savin’ people.”

“First aid is not the same as performing surgery, treating the ill, or being a real doctor,” Carol argued gently. “What if Tara has a complication? What if your eyesight doesn’t return completely? What if Eric’s ankle doesn’t heal correctly? None of us know how to treat things like that. Judith hasn’t been immunized against ANYTHING. I don’t…I can’t regret my actions, but if killing Pete ends up costing more lives…deaths that could have been prevented with formal medical training…that’s on me, and I don’t deserve to be here.”

“Ain’t a matter of what you deserve. You belong here,” Daryl said. “Ain’t talkin’ about Alexandria or the woods or wherever…Just here.” He made a vague gesture to the space between them. “This place ain’t somewhere I want to be without you in it. So…you go; I go.”

She sighed, relieved and terrified at the prospect.

“Besides,” he added. “If we all got what we deserved, I’d have been dead a long time ago.”

Carol wanted to correct him, but the air in the room felt too heavy, too morbid.

“Me too,” she murmured softly in return.

Daryl’s hand fumbled blindly for hers, and she let him grasp her fingers.

“Then…if we go, we can just…be ghosts together,” he stated.

Carol drew a breath to collect herself, but Tara’s soft wheeze from the bed interrupted the moment.

“Oh fuck, what soap opera did I wake up in?” she groaned.

Carol gave Daryl’s hand a squeeze and then stood, crossing over to Tara’s bedside. “Tara? Hey, it’s Carol.”

Tara opened one eye, while the other eye fluttered a bit against the thick bandaging that was encroaching over her eyebrow. She blinked a few times and focused her gaze up at Carol.

“How are you feeling?” Carol asked, eying the bandaging.

It looked secure, and Tara seemed responsive and lucid enough.

“Like I got hit by a truck…Did I? What happened?” she asked. “It’s kinda…foggy.”

“Don’t worry about that right now,” Carol assured. “It’s okay. You’re all right.”

If Tara heard the lie in her words, she didn’t point it out. Instead, the young woman winced at the pain in her head and swallowed.

“You gonna…let him talk to you like that?” she said hoarsely as Carol opened a bottle of water for her to drink. “That’s the cheesiest thing I’ve heard in years.”

“Shut up,” Daryl grunted from his seat on the couch, picking at the wrapping around his eyes.

“Sounds like you guys are going somewhere,” Tara asked, taking a few tentative sips of water with Carol’s assistance. “You’re not leaving, are you?”

Carol hesitated, then quickly recovered with a gentle smile. “We’re not going anywhere.”

anonymous asked:

zayn will never have that normal private life he wants. not for years. im never gonna forget how giant leech shahid said last month that zayn was in 1D for life. ZAYN CANT ACT. if he was happy he was genuinely happy with performing and tours and interacting with us. simon's company is known to overwork their artists. we all know their team is T R A S H. alli he'll realize he's engaged to a jinn and he'll want to go back into music and he'll want to rejoin 1D. BELIEVE ME ON THIS.

You know what normal people have to do Zayn? Normal people have two jobs, go to school, take care of their family and friends, drive, eat noodles for breakfast lunch and dinner THATS WHAT NORMAL 22 YEAR OLDS DO

Normal 22 year olds ARENT engaged they don’t have drivers and they don’t wear Versace I hope you know that
I had a really good experience today

Usually after PE, I like to treat myself to some Mcdonalds. See, where I live theres a lot of people on the streets asking for money and such. I usually dont give away anything to them bc Ive had bad experiences with that ( such as seeing them throw away the food I give them, or later finding out they were not in need of other people’s money at all, etc) but today was different, there were a lot more people out than usual and most with what looked like medical problems. I had a bag of fries that my friend and I werent really going to eat, so I told myself that the next person I see I would give them the food. I pass by one man whose sign said that he was in desperate need of money for his diabeties. I asked him if he was able to eat fries, and he told me he was, so I promptly gave him the bag. He smiled such a big smile, and told me he was blessed to have this because he hadnt eaten for two days /as most of his money went to paying for his meds/. He told me that his life was not as bad as it could be, that he had apartment he was living it (but he also told me he feared he would soon lose that bc of his lack of money). Now, mind you, I was not planning on giving him any money at all. But I heard his story, and I was just pushed back in time to where all i had to live in was a shack and other people’s homes. Growing up, my family did not have a lot of money. We didnt have much at all, now that I think about it. And i know that it takes a lot to push past your pride and ask people for money. I know that its embarassing. I had some money in my pocket, about 12 bucks at most, and gave him 10 dollars keeping some for myself so my mother wouldnt get suspision as to how I blew off most of my money in two days. Now, that was some of my birthday money. It was money I could of used to treat myself to some clothes I could of wanted or a game I wanted. But I saw this man and I saw a little bit of my past in him and I knew that if i gave this man some money, just a little bit, I would contribute to making his life easier. That money would of given him some more food to eat, or have him save it to pay for his meds. When he was me handing over the money, I swear tears sprang to his eyes, and he was having trouble speaking through his tears. He told me he was so grateful God sent me his way, that he didnt need to be down there in the heat any longer because I helped him. I did not know this man, I didnt know his past or even if he was a good man. But when I saw those tears, I knew that he wouldnt abuse my kindness. And I just, it warms my heart that I made his day and I hope he realized that seeing him happy and have a little bit of hope made my day as well. Im not a religious person, but if there is some god out there, I pray that this man’s life gets better and that many others work their way through their struggles.

Taylor tell me to stop skipping class and going to the library and getting on tumblr while eating strawberry poptarts

anonymous asked:

mia ever since zayn left my depression and anxiety has doubled I feel like any type of progress I had made has gone down the drain I don't know what I'm suppose to do. To be honest one direction's the reason why I'm still here they've helped me overcome my eating disorder and everything else that I've dealt with i know they're still the same band I'm just absolutely devastated that things ended up like this i just don't want to be here anymore

I’m so so sorry. This is a tough time but I want you to know that even if the boys helped you in your life, this is still YOUR life, and you’ve got the power it takes to fight and go on, even if it’s hard. Events like this affect us, but they must not affect aspects of our lives that are horrible enough already. You can and will get through this. Zayn wouldn’t want you to be this sad. I’m sure ifhe knew your story he would be so proud of you and he’d tell you to keep going. Life is crazy and there’s alway ups and downs. And some of us have more downs. But you can be strong. I believe in you. And I know the boys would, too.

5

Working out together~

Red: “Hey Mel, why all of the sudden are you interested in working out?”

Caramel: “Because Indi from work has even seen a difference in my weight. You know I have to be perfect, this weight gain is not something to take with ease. Plus Indi thinks it might be a tumor an-“

Red: “WHAT!?” *slips mid jog* 

Caramel: “If you would have let me finish before you had a mini heart attack, you would have heard me say that I`m going to prove him wrong and that this potbelly is just from my stress eating.”

THINGS I LOVE MEME

I was tagged by my fellow Arwenite sneetchstar, my fellow New Yorker nikkisshadetree and my play niece babycakesbriauna

One Song: Partition by Beyonce (the song and the video). Right now I’m trying to get my sexy back with losing weight, going to the gym and eating healthier. So this song gives me inspiration on the treadmill right now.

Two Movies: The Godfather and Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back. Any time of the day or night these movies are on tv…I will be watching-plus I own the box sets :)

Three TV Shows: Gonna pick shows presently on the air. Empire, Jane the Virgin, Outlander (Black-ish is a close 4th)

Four People I’d Like To Bang: Only 4…LOL. Bradley James, Jamie Dornan, Idris Elba, Barack Obama (sorry Mr. President)

Five Foods: Red velvet cake, fried chicken, diet cherry pepsi, steak, salty ass potato chips 

Six Tumblr Peeps To Tag: menycandtv, nastynat76, ctron164, stayingwoke, loveistheessenceoflife, spartanlady16

*literally so nervous to be posting this* Three months. 12 weeks. BBG1 I made it!!! Done. I started to really change my relationship with my body, food & fitness about three months before I started #thekaylamovement and I have never felt as healthy and amazing as I do now. The past six months have been long & hard but so rewarding. This isn’t a diet, trust me I’ve done diets, I have completely and utterly changed my lifestyle FOR ME and for my health. For those of you who don’t know, I’ve struggled with an eating disorder for years so the fact that I’m so fit and healthy now makes me SO proud of myself! 🏃💪Congratulations to all the other girls finishing up today! And thank you @kayla_itsines for helping me change my life! I’m not quite up to posting before and after photos (I will soon though!) but going to post these snaps today that I have taken the past two days of where I’m at, not for attention but because 6 months ago I would never have dared to do this. Eekkk. So proud of my journey so far 😊

the-ace-from-space asked:

KAI PLEASE LOOK AT YOUR PHONE WE WOULD LIKE TO DO A SONIC RUN!! Also I'm lovin you're drabbles so far! Have you done one yet that involves Arthur have a bad nightmare (about anything really) and suddenly waking up and going to Lewis and Vivi for comfort and it ends in a big ol' cuddle-snuggle-pile!

You realize I was SHOWERING when you sent this, right? And it was only thirty minutes or so until curfew. You guys have weird eating times. On an unrelated note, the ice cream Nata-chan bought me was delicious. *Easily bribed with sweets.* And you my dear friend, have just asked about one of my favorite angst-to-fluff topics in this entire fandom. I haven’t wrote for it yet, but I will do this happily. I hope you like it.

Very light mention of bloodup ahead. So, you have been warned.

Keep reading

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, “The bad news is that now we’ve caught you and we’re going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you and then we’re going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die.”

The Frenchman says, “I take the sword.” The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman says, “Vive la France!” and runs himself through.

The Englishman says, “a pistol for me please.” The chief gives him a pistol, the Englishman points it at his head and says, “God save the queen!” and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, “Gimme a fork!” The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over—the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There is blood gushing out all over, it’s horrible. The chief is appalled and asks, “My God, what are you doing?”

And the New Yorker responds, “FUCK YOU and your canoe !!!!!!


😜👍

It took a while but I feel like I finally got my life in order. I’ll be going to bed at a reasonable time, eating extra good food, be able to treat myself and my parents more often, and this makes me happy. I have many plans for the future, but some are put on hold for now. I just want to make some money to help with the bills and expenses.