She is not sure she can do it — she doesn’t hate her hair. It’s so long, and it shines like the sun, and Jaime loves her hair.
She doesn’t hate it — but it differentiates her too much. It’s so obviously her, so obviously feminine it annoys her. It’s strange. She’s been feeling strange. Like a freakish thing hidden behind a pretty blond girl.
Cersei never asked to be a girl, she never wanted it. She never even thought that she was one until people started to buy her pink stuff and dad sent her to ballet classes. Jaime would play football and get plastic swords and wooden knights, and she didn’t. She would not get why, because they were the same. You are a little girl. A little princess. They would smile as they said that, dad and the teachers, but it always felt like a punishment.
She is Jaime, and if she is Jaime, she is a man. At least part a man. Maybe ? Her head is a mess.
Jaime. He doesn’t know. He doesn’t know that when they touch each other, when they make love, for a moment, she feels like she is him. Her body is not that feeble thing she hates, and for a few minutes, she is who she is supposed to be. Whole. Strong. Him. Him.
Sometimes she hates him for being born the right way. It makes her feel like she is broken. Like he won some kind of lottery at birth and she lost. Maybe it’s supposed to be that way. He won, and her, and Tyrion — they lost.
Cers loves her twin. She really loves him, he is her whole existence — but sometimes she really does seek him for this feeling, and only for this. Losing herself through him, living through him.
He is, after all, a better reflection of who she is than any mirror.
Cersei can’t tell him. He can not know. She would not know where to start in the first place… but he probably will find out, because she is already cutting her hair off on impulse.
Golden locks fall to the floor, and she think that it’s probably going to look fucking stupid and that she will need someone to fix it. She tears up — idiot ! — because it’ll never work anyway, it only worked when she was little, when the only thing differentiating them was the length of their hair — and yet she goes on and cuts.
She doesn’t dare looking at herself, but when she does, she still does not look like him. Her face is round where his is not, her lips fuller, her eyes bigger. She closes her eyes, combs through her short hair with her fingers, and pretends. It only works for a minute.
He finds her later, curled into a ball on the floor, and holds her until she stops sobbing. ”You’re beautiful. You will always be beautiful.” They make love again. She pretends she is him while he is in her. Again.
She is not sure he understood. She is not sure she wants him to. Cersei is rarely scared, but she is starting to feel terrified.
yo Ash, I know you use scrivner or h/e it's spelt, what features do you mostly use? I'm tossing up whether or not to buy it
(note: if you open this post on my blog, you can click the images for links to full-res ones)
Weeeeell I’m mostly a linear writer who sits down and goes from point A to point B so I haven’t had the chance to really get into using the chop-and-change features, and I haven’t had the chance to start a big big project from scratch in Scrivener, but I’ll ramble a bit about the ways I have put it to the use.
Here’s OLOH in outline view. I actually like outline view a little more than the corkboard, just because I’m a list-y person and it works for me that way. Over on the left, you can see I’ve left things split up by chapter, because I started using Scrivener in the middle of things and consistency is easier. (PS: one of my favourite features is that you can look at the left and see which documents you’ve written in and which you haven’t by the icon. Very small thing! But I love it.) Were I starting from scratch, I’d probably make each chapter a folder of scenes instead, because…
Here’s writing view. Over on the right, where nothing heartbreaking at all is, the text in that index card is copied over from outline view (which is also what you’ll see on the corkboard). You can see on mine it scrolls off the end because it contains multiple scene notes, which is slightly annoying for yours truly. This thing is what I use to keep myself on track. The outline’s been written for over a year now, so I know if I stick to it and plug along I’ll finish one day. Splitting each chapter up into scenes would a) make it seem less daunting and b) be REALLY SATISFYING when I finished them, because you can mark documents as Draft, Final Draft, Needs Revision, Done, etc. Me being me, I go straight from To-Do to Done, and it is really satisfying seeing that build up on the corkboard-
like so. I don’t know if you can make it out on the obfuscated cards, but you can see what I mean, at least. SO SATISFYING.
Anyway, this is my very favourite feature:
I am a child of NaNoWriMo, so I learned the numbers game early. Although I don’t write every day, I like having goals to hit, and this INBUILT TOOL!!! is basically crack for me, because I’ll hit my session target and just go “weeeeeeell,” while my mouse is inching towards the reset button. And then I’ll hit it again, because I’m a sucker for bars going up. Also, I’m apparently one word off of 85k on OLOH, which is pretty fuckin’ hilarious. (The goal was set by # Chapters Left to Write * 4000 + What I Already Had, if anyone’s curious. I… have already blown it, probably. I am a wordy fuck.)
(ps, here is about 8k after I started writing OLOH again because I’m smug about how I have gone from caution wet road to dying lawn
One use I’ve seen is putting all your short work in one document, which I REALLY LIKE THE IDEA OF… but have been too lazy to implement, since I haven’t really written many oneshots and starting things in Scrivener annoys me because I haven’t set it up to apply a Word-like formatting to all my new projects, and the default template annoys the fuck out of me.
(I AM PERFECTLY NORMAL, OKAY)
Anyway, here’s Aewin’s take on that, which makes me extremely envious and I basically want to straighten highlighters on my desk passive-aggressively to prove that I, too, can be organised, and the next time I’m feeling busy-work-y I’m probably going to sigh and actually fix it so that I can have something similar.
OH, one last thing:
I love having this little research section. Previously, my method was ‘a bunch of .txts and images everywhere, and for me once it’s out of sight it basically ceases to exist, but now I can just flip to things when I need to. The two pictures are quadrant charts, and I’ve got liner notes for the OLOH songs and notes on future scenes in those two text files, and down below you can see I made a file for deleted scenes, too. Y’all know me and editing, but sometimes, in the middle of a scene, I’ll just be like, “Fuck it, this isn’t working,” shunt it off over there, and try again from the top. That setup works pretty well for me!