People don't know all the shit I've been through.
September 30, 2011. 8:48 p.m.
I’ve been through fucking hell this week. Attempted to cut myself; twice. Over it. Dad had blood transplant today. No big deal. Brother has to move out permanently. It’s Whatever. NO. I don’t want to think about cutting. My family has been through fucking hell over this passed year. I’ve blogged some of the things but not all. I’ll do all of it today. I need to get all of this fucking toxic shit out of my head & heart. I’m tired of keeping it in. Okay, so my Dad was diagnosed with colon cancer about a year ago. And through his process of going though chemo, then having the end of his infected colon removed, then hospital time, then wearing a colonoscopy bag, then taking it off, then more chemo. It’s been hell. For him, or course, and me. It kills me inside that I have to see such a strong man go though all of this and I can’t help him. Plus, today he got a blood transplant and it makes me sad to see him getting thinner and thinner each day. I just want him to be strong again.
Next is my brother. Me and him never had a close relationship. In my head and blood I knew he was my brother. But not in my heart. We never talked. I never knew the things he likes and he never knew mine. After a few years and I got older and matured. He started to make an effort of talking about life and stuff. I got to learn more things about my brother a long the way. Good and bad. Just recently, he got caught by the police for something. Long story short, the cops set up a fake profile in a chat, my brother found it, they talked and the cops acted like a minor on a chat. They talked about meeting up and BOOM. Caught. Fucking bastards try and mess with my family. I felt so bad. I’ve never seen my brother so depressed before. He told me he even had a thought about killing himself. Thank GOD he didn’t. I honestly would have also. No joke. Now the judge says he can’t live or go to school here anymore because of all the minors. His fucking lawyers promised us that they wouldn’t take him away. They fucking promised!
Now all I can think about is going back and cutting my pain away. What a waste all that time of self rehabilitating myself for the pass few months of stopping the thought of self harm. I can’t. NO. Ugh. I’m so over. I just need someone to understand me. Not their sympathy.
You know, it’s amazing how much a smile can hide.