WTF I ended up on tumblr....

Why the fuck not, this is probably the most open and forthcoming I have ever been with myself about how I feel inside. Actually I was somewhat inspired to come here by Amberneko after watching her videos on youtube I followed along.

Over the years I’ve had more then one therapist tell me journal your thoughts down. It’ll help.. meh but wtf lets put em out on the internet because writing in the little notebook was so thera-fucking-peutic. (Small hint, I am a very angry person inside).

So I’ve battled depression and Dysphoria. I’ve checked out of reality and then pulled my shit together enough to function. I’ve never really dealt well with my Gender issues (non issues?) fuck me I don’t know. But regardless of all this I have survived, I am a survivor because be fucked if I’m going to give em the satisfaction.

I am the little boy that always wished to be a girl that grew up into the man who often doesn’t know why he bothers to get up in the morning. I don’t know what I am, I didn’t grow up thinking I was a girl, I’ve just always wanted to be one. WTF does that make me. I’m hoping I can work it out.

But then I’m a lazy fuck so who knows how far I’ll get on my search. I have a very distinct duality to my personalty, it’s a love hate thing.

Good news though, I am currently not depressed, I’m not not depressed but I’m not depressed. It makes sense to me………………….

amberneko replied to your post: I also miss my sister.

Awww, sister sadness. Did she not approve? Or have you just not seen her for a while?

Oh, Sorry Amber, I fell asleep after I posted this. 

Nono, if only. She passed away about 10 years ago.

I feel like she would have been understanding (I think she understood her younger sibling was always a “weirdo”) and it would have been nice to have someone close other than my girlfriend that I could talk about things with. 

So yeah, I miss her. I was at a talk today and the woman speaking sounded really similar to her (the difference was that the speaker had a California-inflected latina accent whereas my sister had a New York-inflected Latina accent) and I had t stop myself from crying a bit.

amberneko asked:

So, I totally read your 'kind of lost at the moment' post. Strangely similiar to some of mine in the past. So I def get where you are coming from. Obviously I decided to start transition, but that's also not for everyone. But I'd like to ask you a simple question, and no other factors mean anything, such as who knows, does anyone remember, do I remember, relationship, so forth and so on. I think it's very defining. Simply: " If you woke up tomorrow and you were a girl/woman would you be happy?

Yeah. I would.

And I think I would have no real hesitation about transitioning, if it weren’t for the life stuff. If I didn’t have to worry about money and if I didn’t have to worry about others reactions. (Other than job-related people, I’m far more worried about the reactions of anonymous people I meet than I am about family, etc.)