I just have one thing to say..

FUCK CIGARETTES. I’ve never loved and hated something so much. Every time I try to quit and I stop for a few days I get really moody and want one so bad and I restrain myself but it’s sooooo hard to. And then if I bum one from someone so at least i’m not buying a pack and smoking it within a day, I feel like I don’t need them and then after I finish it my mind goes wild trying to convince myself how it’s not that bad, etc…and then I end up buying a pack. What I hate most about it though, is that it has control over me. I want to have control over myself.

I want these dreams to go away. I want to be fucking normal. I’m sick of having dreams all the time that my mom didn’t actually die from cancer and is alive and in hiding. Because every fucking time I have this dream I wake up and think it’s reality and i’ll call her phone or go on for a few days/ weeks thinking its real before I remember she’s dead.
It’s fucking depressing and it isn’t making me any better. It’s been over five years now and I just want to be happy.

So I have a really good corporate job, I get paid a lot, I have benefits, I have security and people tell me all the time how I’m so lucky to have a job like this at this age. They say how I should never give it up and  I’d be stupid if I did but at the end of the day I always think about how I could end up in a cubicle for the rest of my life because I needed to pay the bills and every dream I ever had will never be fulfilled

I promise if I was ever given one more chance…if you just got to see that i’m not the same person anymore, I would be content with you for the rest of my life. No one else. Honestly, fuck everyone else. We could lay on the couch for as long as you wanted and watch movies and tv (even if i’d rather be outside), and even if we already had five showers that day and I was squeaky clean and you just wanted one more I would say okay. I just miss you so much, i’d follow you to end of the earth believing in your dreams as much as mine.

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If I could remember my dreams
I would tell you
that they were mostly about summer days
spent hand in hand
or watching a thunderstorm
in your arms
but sometimes I do remember those dreams
and I fall back asleep
because if I awake
to tell you all about our adventures
i’ll only realize
you’re no longer mine.

I remember at the earlier stages of my tumblr I got this follower that had a blog dedicated to goats and I didn’t know why they followed me but I wanted to please them so I was go out of my way to find goat pictures so this person had something to reblog…