3 things...make it 4

Not too long ago my mother dusted off an ancient planner dated 1999. It was my grandpa’s. Why are we JUST discovering this? I don’t know. It seemed as if he intended for us to find it someday as it was addressed to us.

The first line read:

"From now on I intend to donate the rest of my life to three (3) things. The first will be writing about personal experiences which I have undergone. Some of them have been pleasant yes, others have been unfortunately ruthless…"

That is just a snippet. He went on to state the second thing. Travelling. He wished to travel to places where his money and health would permit him to. His third thing was to read as time would permit him.

He then went on to write about his children whom he dreamt of finding a career there were happy with rather than dictating their every move.

The thing about it is that he didn’t finish writing this entry. He stopped mid-sentence. Now I wonder why he didn’t finish. Funnily, it was the year before he had died. The year before I went out to buy skittles at his request, run home and wave it in his face only to be confused as to why he wasn’t moving.

I didn’t know he was dead. I didn’t know. I didn’t know why people were crying. But what I do know is that I wish I had known more about him back then. Felt more connected to him back then. Understood back then. That day, where I looked into his frozen face, eyes wide and mouth smiling, has haunted me for 14 years. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t remember it.

Seeing this planner and this entry has made me feel connected to him because I too wish to donate my life to these three things. I’ve started first and third one and I will add a fourth.

The fourth thing I will donate my life to doing is making my Grandma proud in every single way I possibly can.

Let it burn.

We keep the light burning in your room as if you were still here as if you never left. I no longer stay up late because you aren’t here to tell me to go to bed anymore. It just doesn’t feel right. I will never sleep beside you on summer nights again or listen to you tell me stories about life in the 1930s. I will forever eat jello the way you showed me, put everything in it’s place like you said, maybe even read the newspaper like you used to and cut out the articles you wanted to keep. I might even watch CNN or talk to the radio. I might even begin to garden and obsess over orchids like you used to. I might even begin to be blunt and say what is on my mind more often. I might even laugh the way you used to. But I will fight in this lifetime like you have fought. I will love like you have loved because I know that all those 17 years I have spent with you. Every. Single. Day. Was not in vain but it was to shape me in becoming someone and do something great. From now on everything I do is for you because I want to accomplish great things and know that you are ecstatic and embracing me with your arms and stamping my face with your kisses. I lived for those moments I made you proud and I will live for them.

The flame in my heart will forever burn for you.

I love you Grandma.
P.S. I’m going to start practising my piano again like you always wanted me to.

I still wait..

There is no peace in my life anymore. Knowing that you aren’t here with me is still unreal and will forever be unreal.

For as long as I live I will have no peace knowing that I never got the chance to take you the places I said I would or spend my very first pay check on you.

I still wait for the day someone shakes me and tells me that it’s just a bad dream you can wake up now.

I still wait for you to wake me up at 11am on summer mornings and call me lazy.

I still wait to hear you curse at the radio talk show hosts and the CNN news reporters.

I still wait for you to call me outside so we can garden together.

I still wait for you to sit me down on these evenings and repeat stories and for you to laugh like it’s the first time you’ve told me them.

I still wait for your Sunday dinners. You would not believe I have not had a home cooked meal in the longest while and I would honestly give up anything just to taste you cooking one last time.

I still wait for you to call me to bed so I can sleep with you like I always have.
But you are sleeping. Just in a different bed. Just a different sleep.

I will wait. Everything I do is for you.