It is the hardest of all things I think, to forgive yourself, because the past never really goes away. It just lies dormant in the corner of your mind and you know it’s there because the weight of it is so heavy upon your shoulders.
—  Lena Slaughter
I do think that you can manage your head more than you think you can. And I don’t think it happens immediately where you say, "Stop that," and then the next day you’re like the fucking liner notes on a Rod McKuen album. But I think if you stop enough and say, "Don’t do that, don’t waste your time, that’s crazy," you get a husk built, and then all of a sudden even the husk falls away and you just don’t go there.

To those who kill their bodies
as if critiquing God. 

To those inhaling sour euthanasia
as if to spit on flowers.

To those with a fistful of chemical
diamonds injecting gems into dark caverns

as if to steal their shine & drown it there:

May you find a love that shatters
every ugly addiction to your slow suicides.
May they come pure as morning light through
your window and not un-break you, but stir the dead
life in you to rise and reassemble its pieces from all the cold
shards of shadows you’ve stored away in your lungs like thorns
and razors until it hurts to breathe physically as much as you imagined
it does mentally. May they tame your wild cancer-lust
before the beast is nestled firmly inside of you,
may they move you to clean up all your mess, like the ocean
after oil spills. Somewhere out there is at least one person
who will make a survivor out of you. 
May you find them before it’s not too late.
May you meet someone who at night helps you remember the day.

—  To those looking for reasons to stay \ j.m.b.

Sobering Effect of Oxytocin

Full article at

Oxytocin, sometimes referred to as the ‘love’ or ‘cuddle’ hormone, has a legendary status in popular culture due to its vital role in social and sexual behaviour and long-term bonding.

The research is in PNAS. (full access paywall)

Research: “Oxytocin prevents ethanol actions at δ subunit-containing GABAA receptors and attenuates ethanol-induced motor impairment in rats” by Michael T. Bowen, Sebastian T. Peters, Nathan Absalom, Mary Chebib, Inga D. Neumann, and Iain S. McGregor in PNAS doi:10.1073/pnas.1416900112

Image: When the researchers infused oxytocin into the brains of rats which were then given alcohol, it prevented the drunken lack of coordination associated with being under the influence. The image adapted from the University of Sydney video.

A few words on Josh Hamilton

While the news of Hamilton’s recent relapse is an absolute tragedy, it has very little to do with his baseball career and contract, the Los Angeles Angels or your blog. It has everything to do with the nature of addiction, his family and his own search for peace and recovery. If what you choose to bring to the conversation isn’t rooted in those three things, you’re part of the problem.


To answer your question, heroin feels nice. That’s all, it just feels very nice. You can make the rest up for yourself. And your own half-truths to this drug that will show you the world and for the moment you will feel as clever as faust.

How does it feel like to do heroin.

Actually this is an obvious question but its not what you might think. Let me explain to you, I’ve been on opiate addict for a long time and tried many drugs. Drugs that are ‘uppers’ have the most ‘obvious’ euphoria. For example if you take adderall/coke/meth/speed/MDMA you will get this shining bright euphoria, self confidence, energy, and other drug-specific feelings (for meth like you are king or for MDMA like you love everyone.) However, you owe these drugs back what they delivered to you. After meth binge, or lots of MDMA use, or staying up all night on coke you will feel like shit. To an extent this aspect is similar to an alcoholic hangover

On the other hand, for many person who experiment with heroin they are just underwhelmed (not including IV usage, but most experimenters rarely ever IV first time.) They just feel good,chill, happy, but they feel like this spooky drug ‘heroin’ hasn’t delivered. They are just mellow. Oh obviously it has all been a lie they will think. Heroin isn’t spooky, it’s chill. It’s not addictive like everyone else thinks. It doesn’t make you do stupid shit or stay up all day and hallucinate like amphetamines or coke. It doesn’t empty your serotonin like MDMA or give you a hangover like alcohol. People tend to just think oh. what a nice drug.

So the next day they wake up and everything is normal. No headache or shitty feeling—just slight afterglow of that nice feeling. Oh it was cheap as well! It only cost $10 for a whore night of being high! I thought people said heroin was expensive? And then next weekend comes… There are all these drugs I could do but I liked heroin. It didn’t ‘fuck me up’, I could still think clearly. No hangover. No feeling like shit later. I still was awake. It just made me happy and content with life. Oh and its only $10! Well, I should get some more for the whole weekend. This is great! I will use Heroin on the weekends now!

Now let’s say this person works and has responsibilities. He knows he can’t go into work drunk. or on MDMA, or high. So he doesn’t. It’s actually simple. But heroin… Well the user might actually find they do better work on heroin. Instead of being sad or grumpy or depressed with his job…he is just…. happy. Mellow. Content. Everything is fine and the world is beautiful. It’s raining, it’s dark, I woke up at 5:30AM, I’m commuting in traffic. I would have had a headache, I would have been miserable, I would have wondered how my life took me to this point. This point I’m at right now. But no, no, everything is fine. Life is beautiful. The raindrops are just falling and in each one I see the reflection of every persons life  around me. Humanity is beautiful. In this still frame shot of traffic on this crowded bus I just found love and peace. Heroin is a wonder drug. Heroin is better than everything else. Heroin makes me who I wish I was. Heroin makes life worth living. Heroin is better than everything else. Heroin builds up a tolerance fast. Heroin starts to cost more money. I need heroin to feel normal. I don’t love anymore. Now I’m sick. I can’t afford the heroin that I need. How did $10 used to get me high? Now I need $100. That guy that let me try a few lines he first time doesn’t actually deal. Oh I need to find a real dealer? This guy is a felon and carries a gun—he can sell me the drug

that lets me find love in the world.

No this isn’t working,  I need to quit.

For ONE WEEK ONLY, my "Coffee Talk" design (the yellow one, bottom row center) will be available on MUGS and t-shirts at Tee Fury as part of thier Caff-fiends Collection.

Let’s not pretend that we simply “like” coffee. We are addicted to coffee. I mean, I “like” gummy bears (What grown man doesn’t?), but I’ve never said “Shut the fuck up.” to a pigeon because I was deprived of them.

Anonyme a demandé:

Hi! Sorry to bother you, but I've been following you for a while and you give the best advice so I hope you can quickly help me out? I think it's time to tell someone about my food/sugar addiction and I was debating about telling my mom or a friend? My mom's really understanding so I wouldn't mind telling her, it would be just a little embarassing. But my friend would be understanding too but I'm not sure what she would say?

You aren’t a bother hun. Here’s the thing, the hardest part of weight loss is accepting how you got there In the first place. I didn’t get to nearly 300 because I simply love food, it goes deeper than that. The fact that you are aware you have a problem is the hardest part and now that you are ready to talk about it I wouldn’t be too concerned with how others think. Nothing others say or do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dreams. When you ignore the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of your own life that comes along with needless suffering. As long as you know in your heart that you are doing everything you can to be a better person everyday who cares what other people think. Those that support you and love you for who you are will do anything to help and those that don’t shouldn’t be in your life anyway. When it comes to your mom I struggle with opening up to mine but she is a great support for you I would fill her in for sure. The worst feeling is when you feel like you are too embarrassed or ashamed to open up and struggle in secret. I did this for the majority of my childhood. Food addiction is a tough one (not that other addictions aren’t) but you need food to live and it’s always in front of us. I have surrounded myself with self help books and positive people to really keep me grounded. Best of luck!

I had a flashback today and it totally sucked! It started as a simple conversation about an event I attended prior to my sobriety. I laughed as I recalled the evening, thinking of it as a good time. But as I hung the phone up, the reality of the “good time” hit me and I wasn’t laughing anymore. I remembered the disgusting drunkenness, the bingeing and the volatile vomiting the next day. I was suddenly overwhelmed with shame, much more than I had at the time of the event (surely because at the time I was willing and able to drink the shame away). The memory was harsh and it left me in tears.

I am feeling much better now. What’s done is done. I can not change it and as much as I’d like to, I can not erase it either. All I can do is work on forgiving my self, accept my past for what it is and be grateful that I didn’t remain that person for a minute longer than I did.