Today’s been a terrible day for me. Mental health issues on top of chronic hip and back pain have made it impossible for me to complete anything productive or worthwhile with my time.
I was in my bed until 3:00pm, which really is quite embarrassing for me to say. I just couldn’t do it. (It you wonder? Everything!) Functioning like a normal adult, talking to friends, even eating. The only good thing I accomplished today was getting up and having a shower.
It’s embarrassing to even say to family and friends (that I have left) that doing something as small as getting out of bed or making breakfast was the highlight of my day and was the only thing productive I did.
Anyway, the reason I am writing this is to show everyone that depression, anxiety, and other mental disorders completely drain people of life. So please be understanding of suffers. Don’t just shrug them off when they tell you that they didn’t leave their bed or house today. All of this is a real illness. Not just people being ‘lazy’ or ‘unproductive’. Be compassionate. Be caring.
But on an upside to this post, when I did leave my room I had a shower. Woo! I’m getting slightly closer to being a normal adult.
On the recommendation of a general practitioner, I had an initial assessment today with a specialist in attention deficit disorders. I go back in a week for thorough objective testing including an EEG and TOVA screening. I need to wait for those results for a true diagnosis, but the doctor is already pretty well convinced that I meet severe diagnostic criteria for inattentive type adult ADD. After a lifetime of struggling with extreme procrastination, muddled thoughts and confusion, difficulty with conversations, and the inability to constructively focus my attention on anything outside my sphere of immediate interest, this is something of a shock and a relief all at once. The thing that really clinched it: he had a ticking clock in the room. When I broke off mid-sentence to point out that it was distracting me, he said that it was precisely why he left it there - as a diagnostic tool. Of course a ticking clock is just one checkbox on a long list of criteria, and it should be noted that I was on the severe end of almost all of them.
Does anyone else have an experience with a late or adult diagnosis of attention deficit disorder? I never imagined something as big as ADD could be overlooked for most of my life - like many raised in a stoic Midwestern household, I assumed all of my focus issues were driven by laziness or lack of ability. I even had some psychologists who would only see the depression and flat out told me that any other explanation was preposterous. I won’t quite believe it myself until the objective tests are finished (hard to argue with an analysis of your brain waves.) Regardless of what happens next week, I know that depression is still going to be a major hurdle in my life, but the possibility of clinically-confirmed ADD puts so many things into perspective, it explains so many otherwise inexplicable barriers I’ve run into over and over again. I’m curious if any of you out there have dealt with similar diagnoses as an adult, or know anyone who has.
I apologize for the decline in regular posts and the increase in weighty personal stuff, but this is a lot to deal with and I’d love to hear about someone else’s experience.
My mind is a organizational train wreck, I put things that stress me out away. Out of sight, out of mind. Ask me to do homework? 9/10 times I’ll fail you. Test me over that same subject? 9/10 times I’ll do well. And no, I’m not using my ADHD as an EXCUSE, I’m simply telling you how it is. I don’t control my actions nearly as well as a person without my disorder, I’m impulsive. Not on purpose, mind you. I LONG for the feeling of constant organization, being able to focus anytime, anywhere. I want to be logical. Alas, ADHD saps away all of those realities.
It’s not an excuse
It’s not fake
Don’t joke about it, please..please dont.
You can only understand if you live it.
I didn’t choose for this to happen, and TRUST ME when I say that I’d love to be the first person to have your mind.
I WANT to do as well as I can, better, even.
Please give me a chance
Please be willing to help me
If you do, I’ll fly high above the rest
Don’t judge a disorder by its cover.