i was having a conversation with two of my friends yesterday. one asked me about the men i’ve dated in the past
i told her about one of my exes that i dumped because he scared me. there was something about him that was off to me. eventually i found out that he had punched the girlfriend before me in the face in the middle of the train. for some reason she found that funny… i told her i dumped him when he called me a “bitch” because i felt like he hadn’t changed and once you go down that road, especially with a man with a history, things can go only one of two ways, and i didn’t want to hang out to find out which way we’d go.
the story seemed to thrill her. she asked me questions about dating “bad boys” and talked about how she had an attraction to them, but felt maybe now it was time to do the grown up thing and settle down with a good guy. she gave a heavy sigh after she said that.
i told her that in my experience, when i was young, i thought dating men who were “rough around the edges” and who were hard to love were exciting. but as i grew up, i realized that wasn’t excitement. the uncertainty of their love, the unpredictability of their anger, their inability to express their emotions, that their only emotions were angry or horny….that’s not excitement, that’s danger. and that’s anxiety. and that’s putting a man’s inability to love over your deserved right to be loved.
and so i just shared with her that in my relationship, i guess you could see my boyfriend as a “good guy” (you know, with the teaching Sunday school and getting his masters in education, and waiting until marriage thing). but i told her that stability in a relationship doesn’t mean boring. i expressed my belief that relationships shouldn’t be complicated and tumultuous as a source of excitement. that i believe that life is already exciting, and a healthy relationship with a person that you want to experience the thrills of life is what i have always wanted. someone that wants to travel and try new things, or do old things with a new perspective. to me that’s exciting. what’s exciting is learning the new ways that i love him and experiencing the new ways that he shows and tells me he loves me. that an exciting relationship is one that grows and builds and embraces life.
i said all that and the other friend was just smiling and nodding. but the friend who asked me the question said that it was so sweet that i have that, but you could tell she was saying “that works for you, but i still like bad boys.” and with that i just took that it’s important to share who you are with other people because it may have an impact on them. but then you have to realize it may not. my relationship is not the ideal relationship for everyone and some people have to find their own way.. the friend that was smiling and nodding told me afterwords that i said things that she had always felt but couldn’t express. and i realized in that moment, me sharing about my relationship wasn’t for the friend who asked the question, it was for the one who sat and listened and heard a word in season.
anyway, the lesson is share your testimony. not because you’re trying to convert the masses or change other people, but because you never know who may be changed, just by being around or near you.
and also that we need to have a conversation about women’s attraction to “bad boys” who are actually really bad for them. because it should not have excited my friend to hear that my ex punched a woman in the face.
but that’s a different story