Snowy nights will turn into fields of marigolds, into constant rays of sunshine , into crisp leaves falling. We expect the seasons to change. We know its coming, and its gradual. We prepare ourselves. I wasn’t able to do that the day you decided it wasn’t worth the effort anymore – THAT I wasn’t worth the effort anymore. Its simple and messy. One day, you just didn’t bother. I wish I knew why. Weeks have passed. Still, nothing. Seasons change, people change, but Jesus Christ after all we have been through, who would’ve thought YOU’D be the one to walk away from me?
I open our Facebook chat and stare at it. Dozens of messages that I have sent go unanswered. I feel pathetic. No friendship should be one sided. Whenever I get the urge to talk to you, its like a slap in the face and it hurts just as much as it did the first time. I will have to find a way to live without you.
A piece of me feels lost and I want to put “MISSING” posters up, I am crying out for help but no one wants to listen – you certainly don’t.
I FUCKING LET YOU IN. I LET YOU IN. I TOLD YOU EVERY MISERABLE THING ABOUT MYSELF. EVERYTHING THAT MAKES ME WANT TO VOMIT WHEN I LOOK INTO A MIRROR. I TOLD YOU EVERY DETAIL OF EVERY HORRIBLE NIGHTMARE AND NOW YOU ARE GONE. How am I supposed to EVER let anyone else in? HOW.
Do you realize how badly you have hurt me? I am scared because you were the first good thing to happen to me in awhile. When I had no one, you were there. I’ve told everyone how fucking happy you make me. How wonderful you are. And now you’re gone? What am I supposed to do? And if you come back, then what? Do you really think things will go back to how they were?
Its ironic. YOU are the one who taught me how to stand up for myself. YOU always told me not to deal with peoples bullshit, because I deserve better. You’re fucking right, I DO deserve better.
I will question everyday with, “Why?”. You know how I am. You know this is tearing me apart, and I think that’s what disgusts me the most. HOW COULD YOU?
I’ll be okay. I mean, don’t get me wrong. Every time my phone gets a notification I’ll be hoping its you. And every time that it isn’t, I will be one step closer to realizing that maybe, I didn’t know you so well after all. Because the person I once called my best friend, would never do something like this to me.”
— Who knows when you’ll read this