April 12, 2009
  1. Golf is the art of expensive walking.
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 55
  2. They must have put Tabasco in the holy water or something, because MAN does that stuff burn my skin.
    @Tony_D (Tony Delgrosso) – 51
  3. If I were an OBGYN, my catch phrases would be “At your cervix!” and “Not guilty, Your Honor.”
    @detweiler (Detweiler, Brian) – 51
  4. My personal religion on Easter states that I must eat a ridiculous amount of chocolate eggs. It is non-deNOMNOMNOMinational.
    @tehawesome (Henry Birdseye) – 51
  5. We were out of milk, so I poured an energy drink in my coffee. When Jesus shows up, tell him I’m on the ceiling. KARATE FIGHTING SPIDERS!
    @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 46
  6. For those concerned with my safety, I did not text while driving. I safely texted from the rest area where I purchased crack.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 43
  7. “The Brown Bunny” is the worst Easter movie ever.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 42
  8. Today is like April Fool’s day for Catholics.
    @Mike_FTW (Mike Monteiro) – 41
  9. I’m right at that weird age where I’m too young to really enjoy John Denver and too weak to tear Walgreens to the ground without help.
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 40
  10. Didn’t realise this top showed so much cleavage. But we’re all made in God’s image, right? Which means Jesus loves him some titties too.
    @sniffyjenkins (Justine Kilkerr) – 38
  11. Profoundly funny tweet #1500196815 (?)
    @MamitaMojita (Unavailable) – 36
  12. Sorry, not the first time an American president bowed to a king. 1994. Bill Clinton. Burger King. Look it up.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 36
  13. Wow. Zapping the PRAM just fixed a problem on my Mac. Also: Ross likes Rachel; America loves Gump; and that Dahmer guy sounds like bad news.
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 33
  14. I’m supposed to tithe 10% of my earnings so I gave 8 twitter stars, 5 tumblr faves & 1 misspelled YouTube comment asking if I’m a lesbian.
    @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 33
  15. I wonder if Tony Stark hits on anemic girls, because that pick up line writes itself.
    @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 33
  16. Profoundly funny tweet #1500895848 (?)
    @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 33
  17. Being Favrd in real life is… sticky.

    @katefeetie (Katie Rose) – 33
  18. Someday I’ll grow up and stop karate kicking things. But that day is not today, friends.
    @Jessabelle2o7 (Jess) – 33
  19. It is only 6:12 but I’m as tipsy as if it were 6:57.
    @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 31
  20. ROMANCE TIP: The question “should I even bother taking a shower?” is kind of a mood killer.
    @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 30
March 11, 2009
  1. No! I wasn’t staring at your ass. I was staring WITH your ass.
    @scottsimpson (Scott Simpson) – 72
  2. Lots of people complaining about American Idol. DAMN THIS FOUL EMPEROR OF AMERICA WHO MAKES US WATCH SHIT TV EVERY NIGHT.
    @scottsimpson (Scott Simpson) – 64
  3. Whatever it is that I’m feeling right now, I’m sure the Germans have a single insanely long word to sum it up.
    @Tony_D (Tony Delgrosso) – 61
  4. Most kids on leashes are just thrilled to enjoy a few minutes outside their kennel.
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 60
  5. Five human heads have been found in individual coolers along a highway in Mexico. I, for one, suspect foul play.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 58
  6. I’m not CRYING. I just did a big yawn is all. I always yawn during this part of Breakfast Club because it’s so OH GOD MOLLY I’M HERE FOR YOU
    @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 56
  7. To clarify: I am NOT a furry.
    Any time I may have dressed like a sexy lady rabbit and had weird intercourse in the woods was just for work.
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 55
  8. Profoundly funny tweet #1310627847 (?)
    @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 53
  9. People love to smile at my dog and always end up inadvertently smiling at me. Haha tricked you, suckers.
    @lonelysandwich (Adam Lisagor) – 52
  10. “Intense Damage Therapy.” Don’t be so dramatic, Dove Hair Conditioner. You cost like $4. Calm down.
    @tehawesome (Henry Birdseye) – 51
  11. Been with Jim too long to call him boyfriend. Don’t want a husband. So I’ll call him my lover. Mostly to make others uncomfortable. Lovahhh.
    @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 49
  12. If you type “FAIL” often enough, the internet should just overnight you a chew toy and some Zoloft.
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 49
  13. It’s amazing how much the harsh depression of unemployment can be staved off by knowing that some people on the Internet think you’re funny.
    @tehawesome (Henry Birdseye) – 48
  14. I have a Zen garden. My fucking cat keeps shitting in it. I don’t think it’s working.
    @trelvix (Trelvix) – 46
  15. If I could domesticate a kangaroo, I’d never have to put anything in my pockets ever again.

    I’m sleepy.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 45
  16. 1. Play music
    2. Phone immediately rings
    3. Have conversation
    4. Realize you’re working in silence
    5. Play music
    6. Phone immediately rings
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 44
  17. My hands are mad at each other. Colonel McRighty thinks Leftonio is lazy. Leftonio thinks the Colonel is a prissy bitch. Sheesh. *Hands*.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 43
  18. I started doing 100 Push-Ups every day.

    I can’t tell you what a bastard of a brain freeze it’s giving me.
    @giromide (Derek) – 40
  19. “That’s not a bald spot,” he said. “That’s a solar panel for a machine which sits in it’s red Ferarri in the garage alone at night, crying.”
    @secretsquirrel (Ryan Bateman) – 40
  20. “… and a chamomile tea.”
    “Chamomile tea.”
    “Caramel tea?”
    “Chamomile tea.”
    “Camel tea?”
    “Chamomile tea.”
    “Is that a real tea?”
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 34
July 26, 2009
  1. Passive-aggression: Because it’s fine. No. Really. It’s fine.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 119
  2. The 12-14lb. weight marked on a diaper refers to the size of the baby, not how much it can hold.

    Good to know. That explains a lot.
    @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 73
  3. I would get off the couch to help around the house, but I’m playing that game where the floor is made of lava and I don’t want to die.
    @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 67
  4. I’m glad that professor and policeman are meeting Obama for a beer. Proves my theory that alcohol solves any problem.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 63
  5. You know what this booze needs?

    Wait, I did that wrong..
    @Tony_D (Tony Delgrosso) – 61
  6. The guy next door asked me to rub my genitals on his ankles. It seemed kind of weird, so I only did it for a little while.
    @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 56
  7. First Crow: “Caw!”
    Second Crow: “Caw!”
    First Crow: “Caw!”
    Third Crow: “Caw caw!”
    First and Second Crow: “Caw!”

    Ooo. Third crow got BURNED.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 54
  8. Weird how no one tries to break into my house and kill me on the nights I’m not up watching horror movies.
    @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 53
  9. “Each condom is electronically tested.”

    I’d love to tour Trojan’s factory just to see the room where the robots fuck.
    @smilinbjones (Chris Pinckney) – 52
  10. I just ran fifteen miles, which is my unit of measurement for eating two pies.
    @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 52
  11. This weekend is going so fast. It’s like a racecar driven by someone other than Danica Patrick.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 49
  12. My love for Target has nothing to do with the fact that it’s just Walmart with breast implants.
    @OverlandParker (Michael Pierce) – 48
  13. why am I an athiest?

    beats me.

    …I guess god just made me that way.
    @theduty (duty) – 46
  14. If you can’t be with the one you love, you could at least not shout out their name just this once.
    @biorhythmist (matt) – 46
  15. You know what really pisses me off?


    Just like all girls.
    @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 46
  16. I don’t think there is any way to get my grass cut before the rain starts, particularly because I don’t feel like trying.
    @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 45
  17. I’ve got a video camera, some catnip and a baby. I hope this wins America’s Funniest Home Videos, because I’ll need it to make bail.
    @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 45
  18. Ah, the circle of life. A baby’s life begins, and I never get laid again.
    @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 45
  19. Stupid gym gawkers, laughing and pointing like they never seen a guy run on a treadmill with an erection before.
    @GPappalardo (Soap Box Liberal) – 43
  20. Jesus made water into wine cause even he knew how to get in a bitch’s pants.
    @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 42
March 21, 2009
  1. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

    Umm… that one… upside down… that one’s illegal… near a dolphin…

    Nine. Nine ways.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 70
  2. We’re at the circus. The most impressive stunt I’ve seen them do so far is to charge $12 for cotton candy.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 52
  3. Traffic jam outside my window. Thank god everyone is pushing the “make things go faster” button in the middle of the steering wheel.
    @nick (Nick Douglas) – 51
  4. We’re nearly a decade into the 21st century, and yet I still can never understand when to use “dope” instead of “fly”.
    @Tony_D (Tony Delgrosso) – 50
  5. Our tolerance for Ponzi schemes is gone forever.

    (except for Social Security, global climate change, and the entire insurance industry)
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 48
  6. Wife & I have house to ourselves tonight. I’m fixing a candlelit dinner and drawing a bath. Not sure how my wife plans to spend the evening.
    @essdogg (Essex Mortimer Dogg) – 45
  7. “Twilight” is being watched in this house.


    DO! NOT! WANT!


    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 43
  8. In heaven, public bathroom door handles are never wet.
    @scottsimpson (Scott Simpson) – 41
  9. The Wife: “I think your 5000th tweet should be ‘what should my 5000th tweet be? …d'oh!’” Star this tweet if want her to join Twitter.
    @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 41
  10. Good thing my neighbor just stopped with the leaf blowing. Like I’m not busy enough without having to melt a body in acid.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 40
  11. No beer, no Doritos. What part of “hobby” does Hobby Lobby not understand.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 38
  12. It takes 10,000 hours to become an expert?

    And people wonder why I write about poop.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 38
  13. Two stupid things that shouldn’t make me feel guilty but do: de-friending jerks on Facebook and lying to dental hygienists about flossing.
    @bcompton (Doom Nibbler) – 37
  14. Prop 8: Brought to you by the country that had no problem with Fred Flintstone wearing a dress.
    @aedison (Avery Edison) – 37
  15. If someone asks me what I’m thinking about, I just say, “Nothing.”

    That’s a toybox they really don’t want to open.

    Archery for cats!
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 37
  16. Things I never again want to hear yelled from a room full of children: “USE IT WITH THE STRAP ON.”

    I knew it was a bad idea to buy a Wii.
    @ungraceful (Confounded brunette) – 36
  17. Facebook is the gateway drug.
    Twitter is the heroin.
    Favrd is the overdose.
    Plurk is the methadone.
    @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 35
  18. Neighbor driving me crazy with the leaf blowing. I guess this is why god invented murder.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 34
  19. I got tired of the baby scratching at the door and pooping on the carpet, so I installed a doggie door and now she can just go in the yard.
    @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 34
  20. Maybe I’ll make an omelet, or, failing that, a giant pile of scrambled eggs with stuff chopped up in it.
    @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 30
October 13, 2009
  1. If I pay for my wife’s implants, will I get visitation rights when we get divorced? I just want weekends and holidays.
    @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 105
  2. The scariest movie monster has to be the Invisible Man. Because he’s a naked man. And he might be sitting on your sofa.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 96
  3. The Miami helmet has a dolphin on it wearing a helmet with an M on it. That bothers me on many levels.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 83
  4. My three year old just brought me a beer without me even asking, which TOTALLY makes up for the prior 1205 days that he didn’t.
    @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 71
  5. I have an uncanny ability to steer clear of potentially awkward situations.

    I call it “clairvoidance”.
    @Tony_D (Tony Delgrosso) – 70
  6. Looking up at the stars, I feel so small, so insignificant. I guess I’ll go inside and make my kid shine my shoes.
    @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 67
  7. This weather is so disgusting I’m surprised it’s not at a party right now hanging all over Jon Gosselin.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 61
  8. Someone on Twitter named her cat after me. This must be how John Stamos feels when a cat gets named “John Stamos.”
    @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 57
  9. I would refill the baby’s water dish, but it’s all the way in the kitchen and this couch doesn’t reach that far.
    @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 56
  10. Profoundly funny tweet #4821747176 (?)
    @Trick_or_tweet (Unavailable) – 53
  11. Madam, if you can’t look happy buying a handle of generic vodka in your jammies at 3 in the afternoon, then maybe you need better vodka.
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 52
  12. JAVA DEV 1: This looks like SHIT.
    JAVA DEV 2: I know! Like a Java app.
    JD1: Hey!
    JD2: Really?
    JD1: No, no, you’re right; we make bad things.
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 50
  13. I can’t get a word in edgewise. Not that I have anything coherent to say anyway.

    At the dinner table, I’m a lot like the Democratic Party.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 49
  14. I don’t have male pattern baldness, but looks can be receding.
    @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 49
  15. Obama and the Democrats are now sending so many emails, I half expect the next one to say “Hey, Joe, we added you to our mafia family…”
    @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 49
  16. Having a girlfriend really interferes with my natural ability to do everything the wrong way.
    @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 49
  17. Sometimes nothing makes me feel better than spooning with my dog. Especially at times like this, when Mattress Warehouse is so crowded.
    @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 48
  18. Somewhere there’s an ad agency brief for Jameson, and next to the words “Target Demographic,” there’s a picture of me in my underpants.
    @sloganeerist (jtdobbs) – 47
  19. And we’re married now so I won’t ever do that other thing ever again. Here, have some cufflinks.
    @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 47
  20. Luckily for you, your breasts make it easy to overlook the fact that you completely lack a personality.
    @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 45
August 23, 2009
  1. Abercrombie-ish hot guy was actually hitting on me until I used the word “album”. May as well have said “daguerreotype”. Or “literacy”.
    @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 86
  2. The worst has passed. Hurricane Bill has moved on.

    I may have been a tad hasty in slaughtering my neighbors and feasting on their flesh.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 73
  3. “So, I was, like..” is the new “once upon a time..”
    @Tony_D (Tony Delgrosso) – 72
  4. They’re raising the 10-yr budget deficit to $9 trillion. I say we round up to $10 trillion and buy ourselves something nice.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 66
  5. If Burger King’s fries were any shittier, they’d have chunks of corn in them.
    @tj (Fun Size Bytes) – 56
  6. Oh, yipee… they’ve got the KissCam on in the stadium. Yawn. Wake me when the FellateCam is on.
    @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 50
  7. Filing a motion to impeach my pants.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 50
  8. The convenient part of loneliness is that nobody is there to see you deal with it.
    @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 50
  9. Profoundly funny tweet #3493328959 (?)
    @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 49
  10. The only way I could drink more coffee this morning is if there was more coffee.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 49
  11. In a perfect world, you wouldn’t judge me for drinking already and I wouldn’t have to use a cat to dry my tears.
    @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 49
  12. I’ve never seen Jesus. But, I’ve seen Keith Richards, twice. Once, in concert. And, just now, in the wrinkles of my nutsatchel.
    @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 45
  13. You know, those sticky roller things are quite effective at picking up Dorito dust from your bare torso.

    I hear.
    @biorhythmist (matt) – 42
  14. One in three Americans weigh as much as the other two.
    @ian_Wright (Ian Wright) – 41
  15. A show I’d watch: Man vs. Gene Wilder.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 40
  16. Business Idea: A little store named Awkward Express. You come in, we measure your inseam. That’s it. And then you leave.
    @Jessabelle2o7 (Jess) – 39
  17. Profoundly funny tweet #3501535411 (?)
    @nonsequiturific (Unavailable) – 38
  18. I may not be as showered as some would like.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 37
  19. Each week we play the game where she asks if I need anything from the grocery store, and I go “um…” for 30 minutes and then say “cookies.”
    @dwineman (Dan Wineman) – 36
  20. What do you call a funeral service with insomnia? A wake!

    I’ll be leaving now.
    @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 35
May 1, 2009
  1. Rest of the world: Happy Labor Day. Enjoy your 3-day weekend and your free healthcare.

    Americans: Happy May 1st. Get the fuck back to work.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 104
  2. For the first time, my boy just told me that he loved me.

    No, there’s nothing in my eye. I’m crying.
    @seanhussey (Sean Hussey) – 71
  3. Baristas must think I’m a curt, brusque, inarticulate, poorly socialized person. Alas, they will never know me after I’ve had my coffee.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 71
  4. My new book is “After the Colon: How to Work Ridiculously Long Descriptions of a Book’s Content Into Its Subtitle for No Good Reason At All”
    @Tony_D (Tony Delgrosso) – 69
  5. I have reached a level of exhaustion usually reserved for people who stand up and/or move around during the day.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 62
  6. Mixing metaphors is more fun than a barrel of squeaky penises.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 57
  7. Each person in Manhattan is starring in a slightly different film about everybody trying to screw them over.
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 56
  8. I told this chick I was gonna rock her Casbah and she called Homeland Security!!! Just kidding I am terrified of women.
    @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 47
  9. An 8 year old Saudi girl has been granted a divorce from her 50 year old husband due to irreconciable creepiness.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 47
  10. You kiss your mama with that haircut?
    @lonelysandwich (Adam Lisagor) – 47
  11. Look at me! I wear big boy pants! I have a computer! I sit in a cubicle! I talk too loud on the phone! I bang my mouse when I get mad!
    @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 46
  12. It’s never a good idea to eat and watch “Bones” at the same time.
    Especially if you’re eating a charred human face.
    @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 46
  13. Never take candy from strangers. Only sickos don’t eat it all themselves.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 44
  14. My Time Travel Dream:

    “Guys! I invented a new feature for electronic mail! I call it ‘Reply All’!”

    [I step through time portal.]

    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 43
  15. I think I’d make a great Supreme Court justice. For starters, I’ve always liked the idea of wearing a robe to work.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 43
  16. “Did you just make gross-face at me?” “No, that was sweet-guitar-solo-face.”
    @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 41
  17. My power animal is an unemployed alcoholic.
    @weselec (Shane Cyr) – 40
  18. *ding*

    Ninth Level of Hell! Last stop! Traitors and people who sing 'Paradise by the Dashboard Light’ at karaoke! Everybody out!
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 40
  19. Profoundly funny tweet #1667013370 (?)
    @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 40
  20. There are two ungrateful little shits here who would like everyone to know that if you ever buy Kix again, they prefer “the rainbow kind”.
    @weselec (Shane Cyr) – 39
April 29, 2009
  1. RT @Salmon RT @Naasson RT @Aminadab RT @Aram RT @Esrom RT @Phares RT @Judas RT @Jacob RT @Isaac RT @Abraham “You want me to do what, God?”
    @scottsimpson (Scott Simpson) – 104
  2. Lazy Twitter: Is “fucknugget” hyphenated? I’ve got some cars to key and I don’t want to look silly.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 79
  3. Wife: “No, honey. You are attractive. I wouldn’t have married you if you weren’t. I’m really that vain.”
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 64
  4. That jerk got what was coming to him. If I knew the German word for “schadenfreude”, I’d use it here.
    @Tony_D (Tony Delgrosso) – 59
  5. 1. Forget whether I rinsed off soap in shower.
    2. Rinse.
    3. Repeat 5 times.
    4. Exit shower never having applied soap.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 58
  6. If foreplay is my wife accidentally touching my balls when trying to push me away because I’m humping her leg, then consider me turned on.
    @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 58
  7. It’s sad that kids today have no idea that Prince was once known as The Artist Formerly Known as Prince.
    @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 58
  8. NARROWLY missed running over a deer and a crow this morning, both of which looked suspiciously like they were not adequately insured.
    @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 51
  9. Another email newsletter from that hotel I stayed at once. Cancel my appointments, I have reading to do.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 50
  10. Good thing you got your looks from your mom. We’re not sure who your dad is but c'mon, have you ever seen a handsome crackhead?
    @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 48
  11. When pigs fly we’ll all need stronger windshield wipers.
    @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 46
  12. Profoundly funny tweet #1644183007 (?)
    @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 46
  13. Missed Connex: Me, braless, getting mail. You, holding a box of kittens, human shit on your pants. You said “I love you”. Let’s make it work
    @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 45
  14. Say what you will about MOO cards, but they’ve done wonders for the tiny wallet industry.
    @lonelysandwich (Adam Lisagor) – 45
  15. Sweetness ends every one of our calls with “I love you. Go get a fucking job.” Now that’s love.
    @SeoulBrother (SeoulBrother) – 43
  16. My disporportionately attractive, smart, kind hearted, sexy, successful and hot wife says she’d like to read my tweets more.
    @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 43
  17. If you insist on repeating “my son is abroad” over and over, I will insist on pretending he’s now a girl.
    @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 42
  18. If you don’t blurt it out on Twitter, how will everyone know how brilliant you feel?
    @texburgher (Geoff Barnes) – 41
  19. Oliver Stone is planning a sequel to “Wall Street”. Because there’s never been a better time to slam capitalism for a buck.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 41
  20. Oof. Red Bull does give you wings. Cancerous devil wings. But still. Flappity.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 39
April 18, 2009
  1. You guys are hard on Ashton, but he’s showing thousands of simple folks how to ruin things they half-understand with nothing but raw tedium.
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 88
  2. If you believe in “intelligent design,” isn’t your faith shaken every time you cut a pineapple? Because that’s some crap design right there.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 79
  3. My older brother came home from the monastery and asked me to hang onto his notebooks.

    I am my Trappist brother’s Trapper Keeper keeper.
    @Tony_D (Tony Delgrosso) – 74
  4. The genius of Twitter: you pick who you follow, so every illiterate in the world can join (and they are) and it doesn’t change your stream.
    @gruber (John Gruber) – 72
  5. Seriously, guys. I am so in love with my new daughter. Who knew that 14 seconds of sex could turn out so amazing?
    @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 71
  6. When is the last time I actually used my sneakers for sneaking?

    Being a grownup sucks.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 69
  7. I wish I could measure how much of my life has passed me by while I played with my iPhone.

    Maybe there’s an app for that.
    @texburgher (Geoff Barnes) – 67
  8. You know, some days… I just want less cowbell.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 56
  9. Todd gets email from coworker: “Someone lost a brown sidekick. If you find it, please return it to me.”

    So he sent her a picture of Tonto.
    @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 50
  10. The best thing about having children is blaming farts on them. Just kidding, that’s what pets are for. There’s nothing good about children.
    @weselec (Shane Cyr) – 47
  11. Weird part about being a parent isn’t that I’m living all the clichés I ever hated; I’m just startled by how much I’m enjoying them.
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 47
  12. The sign at a local church reads, “God wants full custody; not just weekend visitation!” So apparently God wants to break up now. Dick.
    @trelvix (Trelvix) – 47
  13. Meant to buy 1 domain at GoDaddy; receipt also shows 3 yachts, a skank in a tanktop, and 11 yrs of “WebPlus+ Turbo SomethingSomething™.”
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 47
  14. Although they have the same physical properties as the female version, manboobs retain almost none of the sexiness. Almost.
    @scottsimpson (Scott Simpson) – 46
  15. Over-population would be solved if they just outlawed Axe body spray.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 46
  16. Woke up in a terrible mood, so it’s time for Angry Yoga. I am going to salute that motherfucking sun so hard.
    @zolora (Theresa Couchman) – 44
  17. Socialist airport: long lines, rude personnel.

    Capitalist airport: long lines, rude personnel, Cunnabon and Brookstone.

    That typo stays.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 42
  18. Profoundly funny tweet #1548839087 (?)
    @srslainey (Unavailable) – 41
  19. Put that in your trucker hat and punk it.
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 40
  20. i like my women like i like my beer: tasty, rich, kinda thick, a little malty, almost empty, comes in a box, recyclable, what was i doing??/
    @tehawesome (Henry Birdseye) – 39
June 6, 2009
  1. Kids are like boobs - I don’t have my own, but they’re fun to play with.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 119
  2. Thank you, Greatest Generation, for your bravery at D-Day. And best wishes for next week’s digital transition. Godspeed.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 71
  3. I thought Nickelback was having a concert on my street, but it turned out to be my neighbor shouting over the sound of his wood-chipper.
    @Tony_D (Tony Delgrosso) – 71
  4. I bought gold bouillon instead of gold bullion. My investment portfolio is a shambles, but my soup is delicious.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 70
  5. Thanks to Twitter, I no longer have to hold a press conference every time I eat a sandwich. That was a drag.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 64
  6. Noticing that your neighbor got a boob job is something you shouldn’t bring up in conversation with your wife. Well, they felt fake to me.
    @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 61
  7. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, because this is the shitty future and apples didn’t get jet-packs either.
    @aedison (Avery Edison) – 55
  8. Take it from me. If you want a beautiful lawn, the first step is hating your family.
    @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 54
  9. If I investigated sex crimes, I’d always start by questioning the guy in Adidas shower sandals.

    Because this job’s all about instinct.
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 54
  10. USPS package tracking has two states:

    0. “What? Nope. Definitely never heard of it,” and
    1. “How about ‘when-EV-er?’ *Chill*, broham.”
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 50
  11. The only thing worse than waking up and thinking your roommate *really* needs a shower is realizing that you don’t have a roommate.
    @tj (TJ Luoma) – 48
  12. A Canadian in America. Day 1 (cont’d). To quell the pangs, every time I want to apologize I say, “THAT’S SO RAVEN!” The charade continues.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 47
  13. Q: How many bicycle gears does it take to change a hipster?

    A: He roasts his own coffee beans at home.
    @jasonpermenter (Jason Permenter) – 46
  14. After this, my 3,000th tweet, I’ll be offering nothing but trenchant political analysis.

    Just kidding. 3,000 tweets! Off to Jiffy Lube.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 43
  15. The trick to parenting is to get drunk before the other parent does.

    I won. She’s at work.
    @lukeinvan (living in a van) – 43
  16. So if I eat something called a “slider”, that refers to how it slides down my throat-

    Oh no.

    Oh dear god no.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 43
  17. Fuck you, Pixar, for making me cry in a theater full of confused children and an even more bewildered boyfriend. (Again.)
    @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 40
  18. Some things are like fine wine and need to age. Others are like cheap wine, so finish quickly. If everything seems like wine, get a sponsor.
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 39
  19. Twitter maintenance on a Friday night? They really haven’t been listening if they think we won’t notice because we’re all out having a life.
    @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 38
  20. Every room in this house needs a paper-towel dispenser. And a liquor cabinet.

    And someone to keep both re-stocked on an hourly basis.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 38
May 16, 2009
  1. Neighborhood kids just mowed my lawn and all I gave them was porn.

    LOL!! Just kidding!

    I *loaned* them the porn.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 73
  2. Oh sure, a guy in NJ robs a store while wearing a Snuggie and now I can’t go anywhere without people looking at me weird.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 68
  3. Just had to turn the volume up because the crunching of these nachos was drowning out “Tron”.

    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 66
  4. There are 11,455 confirmed cases of free Coldplay album downloads. Two dead.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 66
  5. Things I learn from infomercials: everything is 10x more difficult when you do it in black and white.
    @Tony_D (Tony Delgrosso) – 61
  6. It appears the swine flu virus has mutated into free Coldplay album downloads.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 61
  7. Don’t know which amazes me more: that my older daughter is such a good kid or that I still keep in touch with the gypsies I sold her to.
    @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 56
  8. A Mini Cooper cut me off. That jerk is clearly undercompensating for something, if you know what I mean.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 56
  9. One day there will be a dance craze that requires biting your lower lip. And white guys will *still* look stupid doing it.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 56
  10. Seated next to med student who wants to be a surgeon and his girlfriend. Every thing he says rhymes with “I’m a narcissistic asshole.”
    @tj (TJ Luoma) – 48
  11. I’m standing in a crowded men’s room. My daughter is in a stall loudly humming Vivaldi’s “Four Seasons.” Thanks, Little Einsteins.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 48
  12. No matter what the song says, never shake your moneymaker. You could damage the hard drive.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 45
  13. when life gives you lasers, make pew pew pews!
    @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 42
  14. Profoundly funny tweet #1812555554 (?)
    @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 41
  15. It’s always brightest before the stupid.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 40
  16. My horoscope was right. I just startled a duck.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 39
  17. At Jersey Turnpike rest stops, keep in mind: Sbarro Pizza may cause sbstantial sffering. Sbway is a good, though not a sblime, sbstitute.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 38
  18. Whichever one of you degenerates told me I could find the Obama “fist bump” picture by Googling “fisting”, I will find you, and hurt you.
    @tj (TJ Luoma) – 37
  19. One thing that’d make me happier than this weight loss show is SOMEONE getting off her lazy ass to bring me a pizza. Don’t sass me, newborn.
    @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 36
  20. “You’re a really nice mom.”
    What’s cute at five becomes suspicious at 16.
    @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 34
March 9, 2009
  1. Eschewing whoop-ass, Canadians are more likely to open a can of Fresca on you. Careful! You’ll be refreshed!
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 64
  2. My trainer’s all like “Cheese-Its are a bad post-workout snack.”

    And I’m all like “I left the gym an hour ago. Why are you in my kitchen?”
    @Tony_D (Tony Delgrosso) – 53
  3. Had a dream I had sex with Rosa Parks. Oddly, we did it standing up.
    @MODAT (Modat) – 51
  4. Saving of daylight is not going to jumpstart this economy. We need to start spending our grandchildren’s daylight. C'mon, people!
    @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 47
  5. You folks with the Wii Fits know about the pay-per-view channel where the rest of us watch you, right?

    Keep it up, that’s some funny shit.
    @toldorknown (Arch Stanton) – 44
  6. So you’re telling me that taxes stifle innovation more than, say, banning and underfunding sound scientific research?Huh.
    @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 44
  7. If your spouse asks, “You’re not Twittering _again_, are you?” but you’re actually playing iPhone bowling, the truth will not set you free.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 43
  8. FACT: Scientists have proven that sex cures headaches, but the findings have been suppressed by the powerful observational comedy lobby.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 43
  9. Jogging is the best way to trick your neighbors into thinking you’re normal.
    @scottsimpson (Scott Simpson) – 41
  10. I tried to explain podcasts to her dad. “It’s like camping next to a couple of guys who know you can hear them. One plays a kazoo.”
    @trelvix (Trelvix) – 38
  11. I admire people who send me e-mail expecting a quick response. America needs that brand of rugged, screw-the-odds optimism. Especially now.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 37
  12. The thing about having a bigger rack than my sister is that her kids are fascinated by it. Haven’t been groped this much since summer camp.
    @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 37
  13. Podcasts are like baby alligators. You want one ‘cause they’re cute, but then you flush it and it mutates in the sewers and hobos ride them.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 36
  14. As a birthday gift to my husband, I am not calling him out on any of his bullshit today. It won’t be easy.
    @AmyJane (Amy Jane Gruber) – 36
  15. Told that my nephew went for a walk with his toy shopping cart, I said, “Aw, he was playing hobo!” Nobody laughed and I missed you people.
    @superfantastic (superfantastic) – 36
  16. When making coffee, use a coffee filter. Do not use a box of taco shells.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 33
  17. There are certain people who shouldn’t say “Let’s bounce”
    to indicate a desire to depart.

    They are everyone.
    @ladawn (Mixmaster L.A. Dawn) – 33
  18. sometimes, i don’t think i’m old enough to use a spoon, and other times i just catapult food all over my face.
    @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 33
  19. Coming up too fast on the end of Chris Moore’s new book, so I shut off the audiobook & tried to think about baseball to make it last longer.
    @tj (TJ Luoma) – 33
  20. Hallmark has nothing for “Sorry I bailed on your baby shower but I couldn’t bear your staying with that abusive fuckwad who knocked you up.”
    @vmarinelli (Victoria Marinelli) – 32
March 13, 2009
  1. I’d like Obama to bring transparency to blouses.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 79
  2. In these desperate times, you need to surround yourself with family and friends.

    They make excellent human shields.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 67
  3. Profoundly funny tweet #1321781479 (?)
    @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 65
  4. Once you’re on Twitter long enough, you eventually realize how skullfuckingly boring most people in real life are.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 62
  5. No, third tourist girl who has asked me. I am not, in fact, Moby.
    @Tony_D (Tony Delgrosso) – 47
  6. If Nana were alive today she’d be all: WTF I thought I was dead! Oh quit booing, I wrote this eulogy in like two minutes. Cut me some slack.
    @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 46
  7. Which is worse?

    A) Parent barges in on kid masturbating; OR
    B) Reverse 1st & 5th words in Item A and then let’s NEVER. DISCUSS THIS. AGAIN.
    @vmarinelli (Victoria Marinelli) – 45
  8. China is worried about the safety of American treasuries. This from a country that painted kiddie toys with a date-rape drug.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 43
  9. To those of you who secretly like getting indignant when people make basic English mistakes: YOUR WELCOME.
    @tehawesome (Henry Birdseye) – 43
  10. if you try to kill ants with a shamwow they will laugh at you.

    until you absorb their little ant guts.
    @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 42
  11. More and more stars are confessing to plastic surgery. Here goes. I had my jowls augmented, forehead expanded and face weirded out.
    @rainnwilson (RainnWilson) – 41
  12. If I could monetize these open browser tabs, I’d own you all. And you would perform skits for me in my undersea castle.

    I like daydreaming.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 38
  13. He cut me deep. Our eyes locked. One of us will surely die here.

    Having a cat shouldn’t be so fucking dramatic. Who shits on a pillow?
    @trelvix (Trelvix) – 38
  14. I just put a bowl over one of my boobs to see how it fits. If someone could diagnose what’s wrong with my brain I’d really appreciate it.
    @sniffyjenkins (Justine Kilkerr) – 36
  15. If I really focus all of my mental energy on my monitor, I can make the screensaver come on. It does take me about 10 minutes, but still.
    @toldorknown (Arch Stanton) – 35
  16. I JUST SAW CARY GRANT. #nxnw
    @texburgher (Geoff Barnes) – 33
  17. Making a list of things I need for my birthday celebrations tonight. Decided to include the morning after pill & confession just to be safe.
    @KatyDidSays (Katie ) – 32
  18. Would Indiana Jones have run so fast if the boulder was made of ice cream? “Oh no! I’m lactose intolerant!”
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 32
  19. girl it’s cool that I just saw you drink from a hospital bathroom sink. I was just judging you. a lot. don’t touch me.
    @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 32
  20. Heading to NXNW. Looking forward to the “Running From Airplanes” panel being held on Abe Lincoln’s nose.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 31
January 27, 2009
  1. When the only tool you have is a chainsaw, every problem looks like a busty co-ed.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 73
  2. “Um, waiter? You’ve spilled bacon in my coffee.”
    @Tony_D (Tony Delgrosso) – 51
  3. I’m why I can’t have nice things.
    @bcompton (Doom Nibbler) – 49
  4. Got on the elevator, woman in it had pushed 4. I pushed 3. On 3 she gets out, I ride up to 4. In the stairwell we’re like WTF just happened?
    @Moltz (Moltz) – 48
  5. The bad news is we had to let go of about 8,000 clone troopers today. The good news is it really only counts as 1.
    @darthvader (Darth Vader) – 45
  6. The first 3D adult film will provide the illusion that you aren’t living with your parents and masturbating while wearing goofy glasses.
    @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 44
  7. I want my epitath to read:
    “Here lies a humble man who had the largest penis ever seen.”
    @SeoulBrother (SeoulBrother) – 44
  8. Nutella is so awesome they should call it Bust-a-Nutella.
    @tehawesome (Henry Birdseye) – 40
  9. What’s that, Flirty Girl Fitness DVD? For $19.95 I can dance like a whore to tone my abs and butt? So basically, you’re sending me a flask.
    @Jessabelle2o7 (Jess) – 38
  10. When I click the “Why don’t we show the price?” link on certain Amazon items I expect to go to a page that just says “Because we are twats.”
    @tehawesome (Henry Birdseye) – 38

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