i. when i was sixteen i learnt that it was possible to end up loving somebody too much, i didn’t realise this until another year had gone by and i looked back on when my mum tried to warn me that it probably won’t last forever. i wish i didn’t drown out the sound of her voice last year and now i’m sure she would say i told you so. i always knew that things come to an end but i think maybe i ending up loving you more than you loved me to the point that if you drove me to the end of the world and told me to get out the car and jump i would kiss you on the cheek and close my eyes and scream i love you on the way down and thats how i learnt that sometimes it ends because you’re too fucking in love.
ii. i loved you so much and i’m sorry that you couldn’t feel it but i think i’ll only have myself to blame for the fact i didn’t hold you tighter and i didn’t scream it as loud as i should have, i’m so damn sorry.
iii. i swore that if one day you woke up and didn’t care about me then i would let you leave because i didn’t want to hold you back but now i only realise that’s all i’ve done for months because i’m afraid that i’ll watch you fall completely out of love but i’ll still cry at every sunset for you to come home even though i know you never will.
iv. it’s been a few months since we started to fall apart and the memories of your hands on my thighs and your lips on mine have engraved themselves upon my mind just like the image of my grandmothers casket, i wish i could shut out the images of us the way we shut her it that day but how do i mourn the loss of you when you aren’t even dead? the ghosts of who we once were won’t stop haunting me.
v. it was my seventeenth birthday and my mum took photos of me blowing out my candles but little did anyone know that i wished none of this had happened, i think our dreams have already been blown out but i wished upon them anyway.
vi. i need to stop referring as everything I do as what we’re doing, it’s not our dreams anymore it’s just fucking mine.
vii. remember the night that i cried a pool of tears and told you that i couldn’t find a reason to stay alive anymore and you promised that everything is temporary but i didn’t realise that you were talking about yourself. you were the one thing i didn’t think was going to be just a temporary person in my temporary problems which only seem to be haunting me months fucking after, that’s not what i thought temporary meant.
viii. your eyes always reminded me of a cold sea but it’s not fair that when i was drowning you had no choice other than to sail away and now we’re left within frozen pieces of what we once were with miles apart but the worst part is we didn’t even leave those pieces to lay out and thaw and thats what cuts so fucking deep.
people say your first love never dies and i never knew what they meant until now.
monday may 4th 2015.