Natasha hates what she's become. Weak. She was never supposed to get attached, the thing with Maria was meant to be pressure release. Feelings. She isn't supposed to have them, not like this and not this intensity. She's jealous, and jealousy is a very big indicator that she's grown to care about Maria. It wasn't supposed to happen, she's not supposed to get involved this deep. BUt she can't find it in herself to care.