I’ve never been fond of secrets when it comes to witchcraft. Truth be told, I didn’t like them because they blocked me access to things I believed myself entitled to back in the day. Fast-forward to last year, and though my reasons may have changed, I still didn’t like secrets. After all, how could anyone truly learn if they could only get so far before hitting a road block or having a door slammed in their faces? Up until recently, I’ve made it a point to be incredibly open about my experiences and practice. I’ve never really considered what I do to be secret or special. It just is. It exists without anything unique. Put bluntly, my practice is bland. I’ve searched and searched and searched for something open, honest, and truthful, something which ignites the fire in me and gives me that feeling of quickening in my blood. When I found “A Cornish Book of Ways” by Gemma Gary, I got exactly what I was looking for. The magic works, the rituals are amazing, and the lore was fantastic. Now however, it’s not enough, and that boil in my blood has reduced itself to a faint simmer. One can only do the same thing for so long with no growth before becoming bored.
As I walk this crooked path, I am met with new challenges everyday. I hear or see something which stops me dead in my tracks and makes me shiver down to my core in the best way. It’s not enough anymore though. It’s not enough to go through the motions and follow the books. It’s not enough to speak words of conjuration without any feeling of growing or becoming despite my exhaustive efforts. How does this play into secrets? It’s quite simple really. I’ve never kept secrets regarding my practice, and the spirits and powers that be know this. I get that now. One of the reasons I’m so closed off from the realm of spirits is because I am too open regarding what happens to me. I always thought that being silent meant not telling people you are a witch. While many people may view it that way, I don’t. For me, keeping silent means not telling people about the intimate parts of my practice; keeping close to me the things spirits share with me. There may not be much in that category, but there are a few things. The catch 22 here is that I need to talk about what happens to me in some way or another. Whether through text, verbalization, or music, my experiences have to be let out. Luckily for me, this realization came once I started my book of shadows. Not my spellbook, but my book of shadows.
Starting my book of shadows has given me an amazing outlet for the things that happen to me. When I realize a spell has worked, a spirit has contacted me, or a tarot reading was so spot on it was creepy, I now have a place to put this information. Truthfully, that’s why I started this blog. Tumblr acted as an outlet for my craft when I didn’t realize how to create one. This is posing a challenge to me, as it leaves me wondering what I can and can’t post on my blog, but all things in due time.
As this realization comes to me, I’m suddenly struck by another, more powerful epiphany: I am still petrified of the Otherworld. It’s not a constant fear, but it is a fear I have never actually taken the time to face or deal with. Until yesterday and hadn’t even admitted it to myself. I denied the truth and tried to bury it under spells, rituals, and hollow words. I thought my desire to fly would overcome my fear of falling, but it’s become apparent to me that they are equal. What do I do with this information though? I am the kind of person who will gladly face my fears head on, no questions asked. How then do I face this fear? How do I conquer what I cannot do? How do I overcome a fear of flying without actually flying? My desire is there, my purpose is there, and yet every time I try to fly, I am firmly grounded. Perhaps it’s also a latent belief that I can’t do it, that I am not allowed. Perhaps it’s a fear that until I have been initiated by another, come near to death, or am painfully destroyed and recreated by the spirits around me I won’t be able to escape the bonds of the body I inhabit. These fears aren’t rational, and I know that. The subconscious mind doesn’t have to be rational though, and in fact I firmly believe my subconscious kind was scarred many years ago when I had a downright horrifying experience with a nasty entity. Combine my Mother teaching me to fear spirits from the time I was a child, and you have a wonderfully potent mix that can be very hard to break through.
As it stands now, I’m researching ways in which I can face my fear of the unknown. When I feel the presence of a spirit, it scares me. I refuse to be rules by my fears though, and I consciously relax and let go, reminding myself that if it’s truly something wishing me harm I would be much more concerned. My fears are deeply ingrained in my mind, but it’s part of my personal challenge as a witch to overcome my fears and move forward.
Secrets, fears, revelations, and admissions. Things which are never easy to come to terms with, yet each aspect plays an intrinsic part of the witch’s life. I get that now, and now I believe the truth of my path can fully be realized.