Luke Song Preference:
“Clean” by Taylor Swift
The drought was the
When the flowers we’d grown together died of thirst
And you thought, you thought you’d be able to salvage
You had such high hopes for you and him, you had so much
faith that what you had for Luke would only grow, that it would be something as
beautiful as the idea of infinite.
But you learned, you learned that there were peaks and there
were downfalls and a relationship couldn’t grow without love and patience and
care and emotion – and most of all,
you learned that all those things waned as you grew apart instead of together.
And when there’s nothing left – when there’s nothing left
but a crumbling relationship so desperately thriving on half-hearted attempts
of fixture and ghosts of love – you learned that there’s no point in prolonging
the inevitable goodbye, in holding onto something that was already long
You couldn’t flourish like you had hoped, you couldn’t love
like you believed.
And because of that – because of the hollow emptiness,
because of the lonely nights – what you had with Luke died.
And you knew then that infinite
was just a pretty word for dreamers who couldn’t grasp the concept of goodbye.
You’re still all over
me like a wine-stained dress I can’t wear anymore
Hung my head, as I lost the war, and the sky turned black like a perfect storm
Pieces of him – memories of him littered in your life like
stubborn leaves that refused to fall as you tried to shed yourself away from
the us you once were.
Memories and smells and scents and words and everything is
connected to him again.
It’s the way the winter chill reminds of you the time he
slipped on the ice and dragged you down with him; the way the smell of burnt
toast is connected to the memory of his early-morning failed surprises. It’s
the way you hear a song you know he’d like, only to remember he’s not in your
The memory of Luke hangs over you like a cloud with
beautiful blue eyes and a dimpled smile that you wish would leave you alone.
(yet a part of you still wishes he never left)
And it’s a reminder of everything you once had, of
everything you’ll never get.
The future you once spoke about in the dead of the night, of
plans in the lines of one day and we will; the silent hopes and the spoken
dreams that were interwoven with him like your limbs after a long day.
But while you have to leave it all behind , it doesn’t mean
you still don’t look back every now and then; that it lingers with the memory
of him that refuses to leave.
And you tried but it wasn’t enough and maybe you weren’t
enough and maybe he wasn’t enough, too.
You lost him just as he lost you, and losing always came
with a price to pay.
And it was having him leave your side yet never leaving your
Let the flood carry
away all my pictures of you
The water filled my lungs, I screamed so loud but no one heard a thing
It was losing everything and having everything come rushing
back to you at once.
It was everything you could’ve have leaking out of you with
the lost future and everything you once had crashing back at you with the past
flowing in your veins.
And you wanted the flood of turmoil and hurt and loss inside
of you to wash away all that was left of Luke, but you ended up drowning in it
Always drowning in him, even if he wasn’t there.
And it was a different type of loss, of hurt – because you lost Luke but everyone always saw you as you and
Luke as Luke but you and him, dear god, you were always together in your eyes.
It was a wound that no one could see, it was a cry that no
one could understand.
Just him – just Luke, only he would know the crippling loss,
who would understand the resounding feeling of hurt that echoed in his body and the unfallen tears and the unspoken
words that couldn’t describe what you wanted to say.
Of course he knew.
He felt it too.
Rain came pouring down
when I was drowning
That’s when I could finally breathe
And in that morning, gone was any trace of you
I think I am finally clean
It took time.
It took days and months and it took sleepless nights and
hollow days and it took drowning and falling and crumbling to forget him.
But no, you never really forgot about him.
He’ll always be there in the back of your mind, in the
shadows of your days, in the small space in your heart.
He’ll always be with you and he’s never coming back and it
took all this time for you to wake up and realize that while you’ll never forget
him, while you’ll never have him, you’ll always have what you had with him.
You’ll have the lingering memories of his kiss and the
fading picture of his crystalline eyes and you’ll have the whispers of his
touch and the ghost of his words.
And you’ll have the moments where you were his and he was
yours and you’ll have those dreams of forever
and you’ll turn the tears of heartbreak into the half-lipped smiles of
It was less of focusing of what was gone and what you lost
and more of treasuring what you managed to salvage through the storms and the
floods and the droughts.
They were small, broken, fragmented pieces but they were yours and you’re certain Luke has his
And instead of looking at those jagged shards of a
relationship and hurting yourself on the broken edges, you would see the
windows of a better time that you’d cherish with gentle hands.
It was gone and he was gone and the memories that once
engulfed you became the currents that floated you back up again.
You’d pack it up for a quiet day, for an afternoon where you
could spare the hours to the blue-eyed, shyly sweet boy that used to take up
your entire day. You’ll save it for the times when you wanted to remember the
details of the story; of his fumbling fingers and upturned collars and jumbled
And all the rain and floods and oceans of memories drowning
you – they became what washed you clean.
Ten months sober, I
Just because you’re clean don’t mean you don’t miss it
He wasn’t there anymore and you’ve learned to uproot
yourself from him; to cast away the hurt from the loss and to turn memories
into buoys instead of anchors.
And he’s gone and you’re swimming instead of drowning and
you’ve floated for ten months without Luke Hemmings to carry you to shore.
You’ve learned to move on without him, but you think – you know –
His arms around you and the taste of metal looping his lips;
the cool touch of his fingers and his burning gaze –
If he asked you, if he told you that he’d be willing to give
it all back to you, that he’d be happy to give him back to you again –
You’d drown in him all over again in a heartbeat.
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