Honestly the biggest problem is that I have no goals/aspirations/drives. I can’t remember if I’ve complained about this before? Probably.
But like seriously I have no motivation. There’s things like/want but it’s never pressing. If I don’t get those things…oh well. Whatever.
And it’s not like I’m HAPPY in this arrangement. This isn’t some ascending to Nirvana free from worldly entanglements thing, it’s just… I dunno, I guess brain chemistry and also being raised by my mom who is equally lacking in goals and ambitions. And I don’t mean that as an insult to her, I see her struggling with the same things I struggle with and all I want is her to find that one thing that inspires her so much that she finally does the things she wants to do. I’m afraid of becoming her - except that really I’m already there - but also I want her to be happy and fulfilled and all that.
And also I want those things for myself.
No amount of anti-capitalist feel good “you’re not required to be productive to be worthwhile” bullshit will actually make me feel better.
Like, I do want to make money with my art or at least with something creative but that’s not really the goal. I could make zero money and I’d be happy as long as I got a bunch of notes on tumblr. Mostly I just want, you know, the usual social/emotional shit. Acknowledgement and the respect of my peers and so forth.
And instead I just flit from project to project and produce/achieve nothing anywhere in any form.
So much art advice is just like “you have to work through not being inspired” but I can’t? Like, up to a point it’s possible because a lot of times you have to just stop caring and trudge through the boring and tedious parts of a picture. I’ve done that in the past and sometimes that’s the only way to finish something because as soon as you stop caring you stop having expectations and don’t get bogged down trying to meet those expectations. But at some point you also need to have some kind of vision because otherwise you’re just mucking around. And if you’re an experienced artist mucking around will still produce pretty good stuff but if you’re trying to learn and improve and push yourself, it just produces crap. Art requires THOUGHTFULNESS.
Like that’s where I’m at right now. I open up so many files that are half finished. Poke at them for a bit. Realize I don’t know what I’m doing with them still. And close them again.
And it all goes back to the whole lack of goals/aspirations. Like I think most people would say that I’m a fairly creative person and associate me very strongly with art but the truth is I’m fairly blank inside. There’s nothing clever in there at all. Nothing interesting or original. I don’t really have anything to say.
I even have boring dreams. Like, not metaphorically but just literally my actual dreams are terribly uninteresting and emotionally flat for the most part. I don’t even have nightmares because I’m a fairly lucid dreamer and I wake myself up if things start getting creepy.
I keep making posts like this in hopes that someone will link me to a tutorial on how to lead a fulfilling and happy life but the truth is that I’m an adult who probably has ADD and that combined with…I don’t know…? Depression? Dysthymia? Is that what this blankness is? I have trouble conceptualizing it as a mental illness since it’s my baseline and I kind of just assume that everyone feels like this but gets over it. Anyway the way those two things interact is just…never going to stop being a problem.
I keep meaning to find a therapist but finding one that takes my insurance and isn’t a useless asshole is it’s own struggle worthy of a long rambling feelings post.