June2005

the Sweltering.

6.30.’05

I am finding it hard to decipher how I’m really feeling at this point. Becuase while I am still in awe at the fact that i am in New York City, I am already quite frustrated with school. For reasons that we won’t get into. So, um, I guess I’ll just keep going and see if I don’t crash harder that expected. Or if I end up flying.

Talking to a boy. Met him online. He’s fascinating.

And…my throat is scratchy. Shit.

It is unreasonably hot here. Each drop of sweat falling from my head feels like a piece of my sanity slipping away. And I’m sweating like a dog.

Somewhere, out there, there is a place where I belong. Be it on a stage or in the arms of the perfect lover, I will belong there. When I make it my own.

the Reemergence.

6.26.’05

I had this conversation with myself today. Don’t think I’m crazy. Not crazy yet. Just thoughts, flowed…

“New York isn’t a place. Its just an idea.

No it’s not.

Yes, it is. It’s just some place you see on TV. Just some place you hear about.

You’re stupid

Why?

Because it’s so very real.

How do you know?

Because you are there now, living it, breathing it, and sweating in it…you dumbass.

But how can it be real? How can that homeless man be real? How can I actually reach out and feel the subway railing, or see the Times Square lights, or hear those CONSTANT sirens?

Because it came long before you. And molded itself into a culture. A culture so real that it makes you feel like its a dream to actually see it.

Really?

Yes.

Then if its all around me, then why do I feel like I am slowly disappearing?

Because you are starting to become part of that culture. But don’t worry, you aren’t disappearing. You actually are just now beginning to be seen. And it looks promising, the future does. So go. Live in the idea.

Ok. Thanks.”

Our school took us on a cruise on the Hudson River tonight. Dinner, dancing, and a view of New York from a boat. How amazing it was. Simply amazing. Finally saw the statue of Liberty. I had a freakin blast. And I feel better, about things. Better. Better is good.

reincarnated.

6.23.’05

The edges have rounded.

My stomach hurts. This move is definately doing a number on my digestive system. Or more so on my goddam stupid nerves. I hate my nerves. They piss me off and make me cry. Fuck them.

Oh yes. so today I went and saw the actual AMDA housing. They place we would have been living if me and the girls hadn’t gotten our own apartment. And, um, shit its crappy. I think I would want to constantly kill myself there. But hey, pickers can’t be choosers. Oh wait, yes they can, and I chose the more expensive place. Is it worth it? So far it is.

I think lately that in my past life I died in some sort of horrible and tramatizing way. And in this life part of my deepest soul still belongs to that one and is still living the horror in some sort of sick way. With no chance for escape. No chance.

What am I talking about? What the fuck is this?

Alright leave me alone. I have things to do. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I am homesick right now. Very. And I don’t like it. It’ll pass. So leave me alone and let it pass.

stand clear of the Closing doors.

6.22.’05

I am sitting in my New York City apartment. Somehow, my computer is picking up a wireless internet signal, and I have access. Sweet. In other words, am generally stealing internet, but then stealing seems to be one of the many norms floating around in this amazing city. This city which already seems to be bleeding on me. This city that has swallowed me and is getting its first taste of me. Well New York, whadda-ya think? Yeah, thats what I thought. You like me, don’t you bitch?

I am terrified.

I’m not really sure how long this internet thing will last. But as long as it seems to be working I will use it. I have an entry that I will be posting soon that I wrote down while on the plane. I will post that soon. Otherwise, just getting settled and getting things ready for school. School. The school is amazing. I’m quite impressed by it. We’ll see I guess.

I am in love with this place.

Ok, ciao ciao. Its raining outside and the humidity makes me feel like a half-melted popsicle. I will talk to you all again soon.

Life- at its beautiful core, seems to be only a train-ride away for me now.

the the Center.

6.19.’05

Well here it is. Again. My departure. Again.

I leave for the big New York City tomorrow. Scared, excited, it’s all there. Indeed I will not have internet for a while, so I will be back on as soon as I can. Otherwise, wish me luck. Farewell!

bound Less.

6.18.’05

I am obsessively freaking out because I am moving to New York in two days, to live there with little to no more than the clothes on my back to struggle in the entertainment industry trying to become a big fucking star.

I just peed my pants a little.

agenda.

6.15.’05

Just what God needs, one more victim.

Philosophy. Philosophy has interested me a lot lately. Raising questions of life and what it is and why the fuck are we here and who the fuck are we? I’m thinking of majoring in philosophy when I go back to college. But then can I leave the prospect of majoring in my precious psychology? Hmmm. Yes, I AM going back to school eventually. Once I have established myself enough with a career on stage and film I want to get a college degree. I seek knowledge, and lots of it. Be it when I have enough money to do so or when I am famous, I will be goin back. All I DO know is that my minor is going to be creative writing. Nothing in this world quite like creating. I live for it.

There are a few things that I have been thinking I must do when I graduate from AMDA next February:

- Get a job (probably in a restaurant, bar, or club. or maybe the corner of 72nd and broadway)
- Learn Spanish
- Audition
- Audition
- Audition
- quite possibly get a new apartment (scary)
- sleep with lots of people (ah hahahahahaha- why are you laughing?)
- write 
- write
- write

I wonder if all those things are feasable? Well I know at least 3 of them are.

One thing I know I will be doing is going back home to TX for my brothers wedding. Jun 3rd ‘06. 

And now I have to do the dishes. It’s a beautiful day to be completely brokenhearted.

yorktown Pad.

6.14.’05

My lip is chapped. ouch. 

Our new pad is on 83rd and Amsterdam, a mere 10 blocks north of the AMDA campus. I won’t even tell you how much this place costs each month because if I did, you would vomit up what you ate for dinner in shock. Keep your dinner. But its do-able thanks to Molly’s AMAZING dad and the way he is helping us out. I am a lucky son-of-a-bitch. Whenever I complain, smack me and say “you are a lucky son-of-a-bitch!”

In other news, there is no other news. Michael Jackson is not guilty and I have much to do. From deciding what to ship to New York, to deciding how to save an oppressed people. “What” you say? Yes. What indeed.

ignited.

6.11.’05

Tonight I hate the whole fucking world for no apparent reason. So screw it. No use trying to pull out this nail from my chest while the hammer is so insistently being banged upon it. I’ll just join the rest of the parade and bleed.

cells Multiplied.

6.6.’05

Food from Sonic is amazing. I am having a raging party in my mouth right about now.

So in the past few days I have learned that me, Molly and Heather now have an apartment in New York, I have bought my plane ticket for New York on the 20th, have worked a whole helluva lot, and have successfully ruined my cell phone by taking it swimming with me.

I got a new cell phone today, so those of you who have my #, you have to call me for me to get your # back. Anywho, life is slow, it’s hot and it’s painless. That’s no fun at all. 

the Wreckage.

6.1.’05

Make sure that you swallow the way you felt before you realized just how you were feeling. Because shining it all out as see food might hurt the ones who never knew you were ingesting anything at all.

I can see it all now. Like I am standing on a dusty hill. It is atop a sunset laden strip of attempted grass, a sunset in El Paso, where the light burns extra long when it reaches the corners of the town, and illuminates not a yellow, but a pink and a purple haze that kisses the ground, the water, your eyes. I stand there, with the wisps of my blackened hair scraping the hollow of my forehead. And squint my eyes. A light rain, barely noticable hits the grand space. Raindrops in this circumstance sound like the striking of piano keys. Rain in a minor key. And the glow is from before me, the fire is before me. I am staring with deepened eyes at the pile of burning wreckage, twisting and writhing in its own destruction. Reaching down, I pick up some dirt and hold it high above my head, squinting harder. Because you see I know that the wind is blowing toward the fire and the heap of burning past. And I can do nothing but smile. What a recognition it is to see the fire from the outside, to know that just moments ago I walked from the wreckage itself and chose not to burn with it anymore. It wants me; wants me back. But I can’t, see, because its burning, and I choose not to expire. The dirt flies over the furnace with the wind. And as it is heated, by the fuel of how much I loved, it turns to glass. What a beautiful sadness.

Thats why it is a glorious thing to be alive. Right now. Because even the sadness is beautiful.