The “deflate-gate" mystery has finally been solved.
A bevy of celebrity Bostonites – including Ben Affleck, Matt Damon, Steven Tyler, John Krasinski and Chris Evans – appeared on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” Thursday, hilariously defending the New England Patriots and taking responsibility for underinflating the team’s footballs in the AFC Championship game win.
Quarterback Tom Brady and head coach Bill Belichick have faced criticism amid the controversy, which has taken attention away from Sunday’s Super Bowl XLIX matchup between the Patriots and Seattle Seahawks. A Patriots locker room attendant is reportedly a focus in the NFL’s investigation into the matter.
“When there’s a high-profile crime, all of a sudden a bunch of people come forward and claim they did it, like when the Lindbergh baby was kidnapped, there was a group – a bunch of people confessed. Same with the Black Dahlia murders,” Kimmel said, introducing the segment.
Krasinski – identifying himself as the tutor of Brady’s children – told a story about a Goodyear blimp mishap.
“I start sucking air out of the regulation balls in order to save those people’s lives,” he said. “I saved 17 people’s lives. Tom Brady had nothing to do with it. But let me tell you something – if he did, he would have done the exact same thing. Because he’s a g——— hero.”
Damon, posing as a diehard Pats fan, discussed his sick nephew’s bronchitis.
“So I go and I take a football. I don’t want to squeeze all the air into his little lungs because, you know, I don’t want to ruin the football, so I just take a little bit of air out of ‘em, like 11 out of 12 of them, and it does the trick, it absolutely saves his lungs,” he said.
Affleck – identifying himself as Ryan “Salty” Flanagan from Roslindale, Massachusetts – said he’s turning himself in.
“Let me ask you a question: who are you gonna believe – Tom Brady, the greatest man in all humanity? Or a bunch of a———- on Twitter?” he said.
Tyler, Aerosmith’s lead singer, posed with a deflated football, sullen.
A mustachioed Evans offered the only possible way Brady could have been responsible: “Unless he deflated those footballs with his piercing baby blue eyes.”