Cristiano Ronaldo: Please do it. Please fight him for all of us. You’ll probably lose because he’s jacked, but you also might make him cry and that’s honestly worth it. Please, please make Cristiano Ronaldo cry.
Lionel Messi: I mean, you could fight him. You would probably win? But like, sometimes you just have to ask yourself, you know, why? Why are you fighting Lionel “Warm Milk” Messi? Do you not have more constructive things to do with your time, like eating ice cream or riding scooters? Don’t fight Lionel Messi. Take him to Disneyland.
Zlatan Ibrahimovic: Oh my god, don’t fucking fight Zlatan. Don’t do it. Dude is 6'5" and a black belt. Love yourself.
Andrés Iniesta: Uh, this would be like fighting a small piece of cheese, except the cheese is a dear kind little man with a wife and daughter and like honestly, dude, what the fuck?
John Terry: Yes, fight John Terry. Next question.
Luis Suarez: Please don’t do this. Not because he doesn’t deserve it, but because I’m honestly not sure if you’d come out of it with all your skin still attached? Like, this could go one of two ways: either he falls down as soon as you breathe on him, or he rips your liver out and eats it. Don’t risk it. Don’t fight Luis Suarez.
Andrea Pirlo: At first glance, Pirlo looks like the kinda guy you want to fight. I mean, he’d probably be too concerned with deep-conditioning his beard and avoiding bloodstains on his white linen capris to pose a threat, right? But he’s also probably running an organized crime ring, or the government. So don’t fight him.
Leonardo Bonucci: Why the fuck would you fight Bonucci? He punched an armed robber. In the head. Don’t do it. Don’t fight Bonucci.
Mario Götze: Oh my god, yes. Do it. Fight Götze. Doesn’t he just look like he smells like ham? Is there anyone in football with a more punchable face? Please, please fight Mario Götze. Fight his ham-smelling, Beats-wearing, Bieber-listening ass.
Javier Mascherano: Dude, do you hate yourself? Masche may only be like 5'9" but he will literally fight anything. He tore his anus on the football field and just kept playing. He humped Zlatan’s leg and lived to tell the tale. He probably has a side gig going as a hit man, I mean, have you seen how bald he is? Don’t do it. Don’t fight Mascherano.
Marco Reus: He is kind of fightable, isn’t he? But don’t do it. Don’t do it because he’ll break and it’ll be your fault and he’s been through enough already.
Mario Balotelli: Literally everyone in the world exists in a constant state of fighting Mario Balotelli. Leave the dude alone, okay? He likes dogs. Let him play with some dogs. We don’t need to be fighting all the time.
Luka Modric: Why would you fight the king of the elves? Do you not fear their ethereal retribution?
James Rodriguez: God, yes, please fight him. Has any other player ever been so punchable while still basically being a good person? I mean, I can’t think of any real reason to, but fight him anyway. Fight his stupid charming face.
Franck Ribery: I mean, you could fight him, but like, that would probably mean touching him. I’m honestly not sure I can ask anyone to do that? Not even for a good cause (i.e. fighting Franck Ribery).