Mantis update: they are catching the midges I’m giving them (don’t care for ant larva apparently), they all still seem energetic, and one of the ones I thought were dead is very much alive and drank right away when I put him in a cup misted with water droplets. One of them has it’s back legs stuck in the skin it shed after emerging from the egg case, but is still managing to get around okay without using them. I don’t want to intervene because their legs are hair thin at this point and I’d be more likely to screw up than help. Flies will be here Saturday (I was hoping for tomorrow, but if they’re eating midges I guess that’s fine).

failure means stripping away the inessential. "I stopped pretending to myself that I was anything other than what I was. I was set free, because my greatest fear had been realized, and I was still alive. and so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.

My biggest fear and sense of failure was not having my family. Feeling like I was robbing my baby of having his mother and father around everyday. Why should he have to compromise because his parents weren’t more responsible to bring him into a stable marriage or healthy relationship at least? Then it became about having the family I didn’t have, seeing other couples I knew have their family. I wanted that. More than anything. And it seemed like the problems between my sons father and I were so FEW, that there was no reason we couldn’t have what “they” have. But I didn’t realize that while we maybe didn’t have 20 problems, the two or three we did have were HUGE. But because they weren’t problems to both of us, because they weren’t huge to both of us, we could never come to a solution. To him there was nothing to fix, it was all old news and ancient history. To me it was the aftermath of the disaster that proved to be more devastating even years later, like side effects of radiation. There was emotional detachment because of resentment, deep rooted mistrust as a result of taking advantage of the endless chances given, serious self esteem issues: trying to figure out why wasn’t I good enough, what was it about her or her AND her. Etc to him it was dramatics and inconveniences. He didn’t want to hear about it anymore, as if I enjoyed feeling like that and now I’d have to keep it to myself? Once I got past ALLLLL of these things on my own, I became angry, eventually I snapped out of it and realized it was never about me and I was able to move on. Then we tried to reconcile and the after the anger and resentment subsided, it turned into fear. Fear of it happening again, fear of falling back into that comparative thinking if it did happen again, fear of being disappointed and embarrassed yet again. So these were all of the issues that lingered yearssssss after the actual blows to our relationship. And because he couldn’t grasp that, because he couldn’t understand and empathize with that, We could just never get on solid ground to build up. It was like quick sand, it looked fine but the quicker you try and move through, the quicker it all sinks. When my relationship fell apart this time, it didn’t devastate me because I didn’t lose my family, I haven’t had the family God intends for me to have yet. And once I realized that, I was able to pick myself up and move forward. Because even though this was truly in my heart what I wanted, Part of me has always felt like this isn’t truly where his dad wanted to be, I think it was more he idea of having our family and the idea of raising our son than actually doing it. I would never stay in a relationship for the sake of our son because it would never last and we would be miserable. But this is the last time I’ll start at this place. This is my rock bottom, not because of any devastation or traumatic event, but because from here I will use all the lessons I’ve learned in this relationship and be able to grow and use them in my next, I can close this chapter for good and build from it and invest and maintain a healthy happy relationship. My son will always have both his parents, and now he’ll also have two step parents that will all love and care for him just as we do now and THATS what family is.

John Winchester was such a shitty parent and tbh i really didn’t like him character-wise either? He didn’t have much depth as he was only alive the first two seasons (and let’s be real the backstory/emotional writing aspect of the show has improved so much) but even in season 6 when Dean goes back and watches him before his mom was pregnant, he seems like a normal happy guy with no emotional issues when in reality your wife dying usually doesn’t just turn the abusive switch on? He seems so emotionally stunted all of the episodes he’s in. I really want him to be fleshed out more in season 11, especially his relationship with Dean. Dean’s obviously always been in denial about what’s happened between them, that can be a common thing with abused children if they have a sibling that’s treated less horribly (Sam got less attention but he wasn’t as mistreated just ignored) because they learn to have such such a huge fear of their parent that they defend them even if they’re not even alive. Sam grew to resent him because he saw what he did to Dean, and didn’t fear John physically as much and had room for anger and not ‘respect’(fear)

ask-equestrias-angels asked:

OH MY GOSH YES! And usually, after a pretty big argument, they each go to their room, Rose kicking stuff around, frustrated and the Doctor (maybe pulling out an old picture of them together), starts crying (as silently as possible, though, he doesn't want Rose to hear him) and curls up on his bed with the blue shirt Donna found in the control room, swearing to himself he'll make Rose better again. (I'm sorry, I'm terrible at this stuff XD)

I can’t see the Doctor really reacting like that – more likely he would just get more aggravated and try pushing her even harder, which of course doesn’t work. But I don’t really seem him as the type to cry unless it’s a really bad situation. And yes this situation is bad but as long as Rose is alive and with him it’s nothing he can’t handle.


Title: All The Bright Places

Author: Jennifer Niven

Goodreads Rating: 4.22/5

My Rating: 5/5

My Thoughts: This book ruined me. I’m not even joking. It left me sobbing at three in the morning. It was one of the best ones i’ve read. I can guarantee you that if you read it, you won’t be able to forget about it for a long time, it will haunt you.

First of all, the characters.They are so well created, so relatable. Finch is absolutely amazing, sarcastic and witty with a distance to the world and himself. Even though he is fascinated by death, he seems more alive than most people will ever be. He makes you want to know him more, to know what happened to him, how the asleep and awake started and why he ended how he ended.

Violet seems kind of annoying at first, but each chapter makes you like her more. She’s a tricky character. Personally, i wanted to know her better, to know the before-accident Violet. I also wanted to scream at her for rejecting Finch at first. But it couldn’t be that easy from the start, now could it? I admired her for overcoming her fears though, for trusting Finch and letting go of the past.

Their relation seems so effortless, so real. I think that’s what made me grow so fond of them. I really liked the double perspective too. It’s great to see how each of them starts developing deeper feelings for one another.

To conclude, the book is very well written, quirky, will make you laugh and cry and want to read it again, without knowing what happen, to relive it one more time. If you haven’t read it yet, i strongly recommend to get your hands on this book, because it’s SO worth it!

xoxo, queen.

anonymous asked:

what are your thoughts about todays epi? i honestly did not like it i felt like there is no more love between the boys and the whole thing was a mess

you’re right, the whole situation is a real mess right now but you know… it’s a soap haha. yep they were arguing a lot recently but looking at the situation it’s understandable to me.

i actually loved both episodes! i mean yeah… robert is crazy that he still wants to go back to the whites (he didn’t really seemed to be bothered that chrissie threatened to burn him alive…? yeah it was fake but still..? he’s so desperate man) but when he suggested running away with aaron i freaked out. i mean i still can’t believe that he actually wanted to start a new life with aaron. just the two of them together (IMAGINE!!)

what sucks is that aaron was more of a second choice which is why i’m glad that aaron stood his ground (so proud). but you know, i still believe that one day this is gonna change and robert will chose aaron first. i truly believe it.

I like the j.april storyline because I don’t think there’s a right or wrong. April isn’t wrong to want to pursue something that makes her feel alive again, that gives her purpose and Jackson isn’t wrong to not want to be the spouse waiting to hear if she’s okay, we saw what that did to him. The waiting killed him and the loneliness. And he’s broken from losing the baby, too (it may have been helpful to be more open about that before now but…). He lost April when he lost the baby, it seems. He needs to find a way/something that gives him a way to heal like April has.

I so miss conflict that well at least shouldn’t put one person against the other. It’s not exactly external conflict but it’s hard to place blame on either, imo. Puts April in a tough spot though.

But I’m also not a j.april shipper so I could be missing a lot lol. I’ve just been more interested in them lately than usual.