failure means stripping away the inessential. "I stopped pretending to myself that I was anything other than what I was. I was set free, because my greatest fear had been realized, and I was still alive. and so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.
My biggest fear and sense of failure was not having my family. Feeling like I was robbing my baby of having his mother and father around everyday. Why should he have to compromise because his parents weren’t more responsible to bring him into a stable marriage or healthy relationship at least? Then it became about having the family I didn’t have, seeing other couples I knew have their family. I wanted that. More than anything. And it seemed like the problems between my sons father and I were so FEW, that there was no reason we couldn’t have what “they” have. But I didn’t realize that while we maybe didn’t have 20 problems, the two or three we did have were HUGE. But because they weren’t problems to both of us, because they weren’t huge to both of us, we could never come to a solution. To him there was nothing to fix, it was all old news and ancient history. To me it was the aftermath of the disaster that proved to be more devastating even years later, like side effects of radiation. There was emotional detachment because of resentment, deep rooted mistrust as a result of taking advantage of the endless chances given, serious self esteem issues: trying to figure out why wasn’t I good enough, what was it about her or her AND her. Etc to him it was dramatics and inconveniences. He didn’t want to hear about it anymore, as if I enjoyed feeling like that and now I’d have to keep it to myself? Once I got past ALLLLL of these things on my own, I became angry, eventually I snapped out of it and realized it was never about me and I was able to move on. Then we tried to reconcile and the after the anger and resentment subsided, it turned into fear. Fear of it happening again, fear of falling back into that comparative thinking if it did happen again, fear of being disappointed and embarrassed yet again. So these were all of the issues that lingered yearssssss after the actual blows to our relationship. And because he couldn’t grasp that, because he couldn’t understand and empathize with that, We could just never get on solid ground to build up. It was like quick sand, it looked fine but the quicker you try and move through, the quicker it all sinks. When my relationship fell apart this time, it didn’t devastate me because I didn’t lose my family, I haven’t had the family God intends for me to have yet. And once I realized that, I was able to pick myself up and move forward. Because even though this was truly in my heart what I wanted, Part of me has always felt like this isn’t truly where his dad wanted to be, I think it was more he idea of having our family and the idea of raising our son than actually doing it. I would never stay in a relationship for the sake of our son because it would never last and we would be miserable. But this is the last time I’ll start at this place. This is my rock bottom, not because of any devastation or traumatic event, but because from here I will use all the lessons I’ve learned in this relationship and be able to grow and use them in my next, I can close this chapter for good and build from it and invest and maintain a healthy happy relationship. My son will always have both his parents, and now he’ll also have two step parents that will all love and care for him just as we do now and THATS what family is.