I’ve talked a lot about forgiveness. As you can imagine, a man like me has to believe in it. But I don’t. Forgiveness doesn’t exist. There’s simply what you do… and how you pay for it. So remember that, when you practice whatever evil’s in your heart… or when you cheat, or steal, or lust, or hate, or gossip, or covet, or whatever it is that you do, or you’re planning to do, or you have done. There is no forgiveness. There’s just what comes next. Take it from someone who’s been there, who is there. There’s only pain… and guilt… and the misery of knowing who you are, and what you did. So don’t do it. Just stop… before it’s too late. I miss you, big brother. Every second of every day.


My brother recorded a message, maybe 2 or 3 weeks before he died, for his kids. Because the recorder wasn’t really all that good and the fact that he couldn’t really talk properly (due to various kinds of muscle relaxants he was on to ease the pain), the message was warbled and even in some places it was sped up.

A friend of mine who has a recording studio was kind enough to fix the tape. There were parts that my sister in law couldn’t even understand before, and now they are perfectly clear. It means the world to us, that his kids will be able to understand his message.

I haven’t listened to it yet. I’m terrified. I’m so scared that I’ll never be able to stop crying if I do listen to it. The fact that he’s not here, is a completely bizarre feeling to me. I look back at those last few months and think - did that really happen? Did I really go through all of that and I’m still standing? I’m still going to work everyday? I’m still functioning on a very basic level? How?

It’s only been 4 months. Sometimes it feels like an eternity. Sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday. Mostly it just feels surreal. I STILL expect to see him when I go visit the kids, and in a way I do, because I see him, in them. And when I’m there his absence is just so glaring. And yet, I convince myself, he’s just out for the day, he’s not really dead.

There were 3 people in my life, who were required to love me, no matter what. And now I’m down to 2. I could always fuck up, push them away, yell at them, tell them what’s what and they would always be there (and vice versa). The thought of having one less person who’s required to stick it out, makes me sad on so many levels, that I can’t even really express it in words. Mostly I’m just scared of losing anything more.

This may seem stupid but I thought that I was handling this all, well at least, okay. But I’m really not at all. Next week I’m going to spend some time trying to find a grief counselor that my insurance will cover and that is in my area.

The denial period of my grieving needs to stop here. And then maybe one day I’ll have the courage to listen to that message.

Its crazy how fast 3 years can go by. I hate how my memory of you starts to fade. I try not to think about it too much because it hurts missing you but it makes me mad that I try to forget. I think about how you were taken away so young and how you will never be able to experience the beautiful things this world has to offer. I also think about how much of a better person you would have been than me and that I will never be able to watch you grow up. I just wish I had more time with you, two years is not enough. You didn’t deserve this, you didn’t even know right from wrong. I don’t understand why you had to leave and I probably never will. Just know I miss you Jax and that you’ll always be my little brother.

I never realized how happy you actually made me. I was just so comfortable with the idea that you’d be by my side forever. I guess what they say is true, you never really know what you had until it’s gone, right? well

003. After returning to the shop, George worked harder than ever before.

He knew what he had to do. He had to honour Fred in the best way possible, even if that meant staying up so late he wouldn’t sleep for days. And finally, after several months of working and cleaning he opened the store, letting pranksters and aspiring troublemakers stock up on supplies. Overhead portrait of him and his brother hung, Fred looking on, grinning. He finally felt like he was worth it.

i miss you.

Another day has went by since I saw you last.
Oh, how I wish that those tales of another place up in those clouds were true.
Because if they are, then I truly know, that you’re up there, and not down below.
Oh, how I wish that I knew that there was a Heaven where I could strive to go there someday and see you again.
Oh, how I know, that all these months of crying have sadly not been for nothing.
But I wouldn’t trade all the good memories to not feel this sorrow.