The Lizzie Bennet Diaries - Gratitude: Episode 98

I Choose  Happiness and Love Why Do I Have To Lose To Win?

I thought by this late age I’d have this love thing figured all out. However I’m learning day by day that I haven’t a clue what’s what. I truly believe there are  multiple types of love and that because of that you can love more than one person at a time, just differently.

I spent My  whole teen and adult years searching for love, waiting for love, hoping to be loved and  doing My best to give something I wasn’t sure I’d ever received; Let alone knew how to convey, but I’ve tried.

Over the years I’ve had one failed relationship after another. In general, they all started and ended in the same fashion. I’ve had two types of relationships it seems. Either they wanted to live off of Me and  use Me or they wanted to buy Me and  have Me use them. Then in 2009 I fell in love. I met a man who knew and accepted My flaws. Gave as much as he took, nurtured Me. His love felt different than any other I had experienced thus far. The way his love  made Me feel became such a  central  part of My inner core that I  sought that  feeling for the years to follow. His love gave Me understanding of all love really was.

I mean I know love, a mothers love, a best friends love, The love of a Christian towards strangers but love…like romantic love, the love that bonds two people into matrimony I was  lost on until I met him. I made a promise to Myself I’d stay single until I met someone who made Me feel that way again. It’s been almost 5 years of being single.

For years I’ve been unsettled, unsatisfied, fucked but not loved, wanted but not needed. Alone every  Friday and Saturday night because I was something to do, not  someone to  love, someone to cherish, respect, honor. And at a point last year it became unacceptable to Me. Of course, no change happens overnight so it was hard making these changes but I started cutting My lovers
off. Stopped spending time with  those  who ignored My heart and used My body.

Midyear I  proclaimed change over My life…and it happened. I met a man on My birthday, physically  he was the perfect image of what I go for. Taller than Me, dark chocolate skin, dreadlocks, soulful eyes and a killer smile. I met him on the street  so he wasn’t lusting after Me like so many of the men I  meet online. I played coy at first but his persistence won Me over. Not knowing who I was he was a perfect gentleman, didn’t try to rush anything sexual. In fact, it was his idea we wait. I  offered him 1 hour of My time, after that hour I knew I had to spend  much more time with him.

In the last 6 months I’ve given him My heart, My love, My trust, and My body. In the last 6 months he has become closer to Me than men who been chasing after Me for years.  I marvel in how I have finally found someone I can sit with  for hours and talk, laugh and smile without needing a t.v. or even music for buffer. We don’t always have to be “doing” something. We simply enjoy each others company.

He came around and invoked in Me feelings that had been absent since My last break up years ago. He is far from perfect, Told Me the day we met that he was still legally married and in the process of divorce, had more kids than old mother hubbard and was underemployed.I shared My flaws. We both realized that we’d have to  go against ideals and principles we held dear to make it work but it was worth a shot. We shared our dreams, talked about our goals and knowing where you stand  now is not where you will stay, we moved forward.

Like any new relationship, we had our ups and downs, our first fight but it was when I tried to walk away….when I tried to exact vengeance is when I knew I loved him more than just a casual friend or fling.  It was also when I realized how much I had started to love Myself.  When I’ve gotten mad at him I’ve tried to quell My anger by calling up old lovers to try to fuck off. But every time
except one I was able to stop Myself.  I think the fact that I didn’t stop Myself the  first time is what has stopped Me every other time. I felt so empty the day I hooked up with one of My old lovers, I couldn’t enjoy the sex, My  mind kept wandering to the one I actually loved and even worst I  kept questioning Myself as to why I was letting My body be used. It was a horrible feeling, it wasn’t love at all and that’s all I seek. Sex has become rather unimportant, sex is not a major part of this new relationship. I learned from this casual sex that I loved Myself too much to be in this position.

So now I’m in love in a romantic way and that has caused conflict in the relationship with the others I love in other ways.

I may have been seeking a romantic love over these last few years but in the meantime I’ve been blessed to have the close, unending love of two amazing friends. One has been around through My whole adult life. I wasn’t even legal when I met him and he was old enough to be My grandfather. I see him as a great friend, in some ways as a father figure. He has taught Me so much, been there for Me  and with Me through so many struggles, trials, joys, successes and the upbringing of My  child. I’ve never seen him in a romantic way. I’ve made that abundantly clear. but it seems he only accepts it for brief intervals of time. Since I’ve fallen in love he has pushed the limits of My friendship and love to the breaking point. I feel almost punished for finding happiness.

I have another amazing friend who I’m growing closer to day  by day. We met online through My work years ago and had just cursory interaction online. Then we started texting and he asked to meet Me and I obliged. Now we have become the best of friends. He is the only person I  talk to every single day. He is the first person I think of in the morning and for a long time was the only person I could talk to open and honestly other than My therapist. But that’s changed. His insecurities that have surfaced since I’ve started dating are
driving me crazy. I swear he told Me he could understand that I always had multiple men in My life.

At a few points in the last few months I’ve had to  damn near beg him to come  see Me and spend time with  Me, to continue to treat Me the same as he always had. I hadn’t changed towards him, though  when people  fall in love they usually change but he changed on Me, started treating Me  like I was different. He even went as far as to tell Me at one point he was treating Me different because he felt like some things were My man job now. That hurt. Then  suddenly he was concerned about the fact that Me having a man meant we couldn’t have sex. Ummmm wait now we actually had a conversation about sex. It confused the  fuck out of Me. See we  never have had sex so why is us not being able to have sex an issue. Since day  one  he been  buying Me  stuff, visiting Me, doing for Me  while I  had sex with other people so  why the issue now. In fact, in the 18 months we  been hanging out, I think he has only even eaten My pussy once. The sexual issue really confused Me. And lately, the  new  issue was why  don’t I  touch him? I hug him often and every time he come to Me and leave I peck him on the lips. I’ve never from day one been touchy feely with him so again the question was like huh. Then the other day I say I’m cute and cuddly and  he wants to debate it and say he not sure because he never gets to cuddle with Me, UGH

Sometimes I wonder what’s  wrong with the men I allow in My life. My friend I just spoke of was the one I invited for thanksgiving, who turned down the chance to spend time with Me around christmas, who I spent NYE with. He is the person I would share My every thought with if he  didn’t switch up on Me so much. I used to have no walls with him. Like My other longtime friend, he is much older than I am, they have been married, raised a family, lived life on their own terms with no limits but there own. So  why do I feel like they  try to deny Me that opportunity?

In dating this new guy I had to break a few of My rules. I learned that loving someone truly means loving them for who they are. In spite of how you feel about how they live their lives or even some things in their lives. Love overcomes all that. I’d like to think the people who love Me love Me that way too and want My happiness as much as they want their own.  I swear I feel I go out of My way to show My close friends I have the truest and realest  love for them, even if it’s purer than they would like. I’m here for whatever, to  go through whatever, to offer advice, solace, spiritual guidance, a party buddy or even someone to  just  kick it with with no conditions on My love.

Why is is  so wrong to expect that  from others? I don’t know how long My relationship will last but I  do know I hate the fact that I feel like I’m supposed to choose or hide My happiness from those I should  be able to share it with. I know I’m choosing happiness over anything these days and I wish I could enjoy it without feeling punished by the ones I love and hold closest to My heart.