I go to my mother’s house, because I don’t have a lighter
She probably has a match
To light candles on Friday.
I walk in, cigarette in hand
Ready to give in, to light up
But she’s there
And listens as I break down
Telling her about my life under flashing red lights
How I save everyone but no one saves me.
What the actual fuck. I ate half an apple - HALF A FUCKING APPLE - the first food I’ve had in… 78 hours and I couldn’t handle it. I purged until I was puking stomach mucous and STILL needed 2mg lorazepam AND 100mg amisulpride. And I still cried to my nurse for half an hour afterwards about what a fat greedy pig I am. I’ve lost 4 kg in 2 weeks without doing ANY exercise and on a slowed metabolism from restricting for MONTHS leading up to stopping eating almost completely - in 2 weeks I can count the snacks I’ve had on one hand. How the fuck am I this bad again, and how long is this gonna go on for? The staff are powerless. I’m powerless. It’s just Eadie in the driver’s seat and I think we’re headed off the fucking bridge!
#anorexia #anorexianervosa #anorexic #relapse #eatingdisorder #ED #ednos #numbers #weightloss #weight #health #unhealthy #mentalillness #mentalhospital #mentalhealth #psychiatricward #psychward #inpatient #hospital
I used to feel on top of the world, i felt like i was free;
Now my mind is locked behind bars of illness, unallowing me to escape the thoughts inside my cell of negitivity.
Im a prisoner of this tragic desise, can someone bail me out of the prison for broken souls? … Or can anyone even hear me scream?
I know there’s a lot of talk this year about posting low weight pictures and I don’t want to focus on the difference in my body. Anorexia is too competitive an illness, and I know I have struggled at times with ‘not being a low enough weight to deserve help’. But I think my face in these two pictures says it all for me.
The first of these pictures was 17th April - 7 days after I was admitted to the Priory and 5 days after my 25th birthday. The second picture is
just four months later. My eyes look dead in the first picture, there is
no happiness there at all.
Before I was admitted I was terrified of
allowing myself anything. I couldn’t even let myself drink a cup
of tea. When I did manage to eat, the guilt was so intense I wanted to
die afterwards. I barely had the energy
to walk, I was exhausted. My heart rate dropped significantly. I couldn’t stay at uni, I didn’t have the capacity to
concentrate on it anyway. These problems can happen at any weight if your body isn’t getting the nutrition it needs. It’s not all about weight. It’s about the
fear, the anxiety, the disgust, the self-hatred, the guilt. The terror
over something most people wouldn’t even consider. The guilt over
allowing yourself something you might enjoy because you feel you don’t
deserve it. The terrifying feeling of needing to ‘control’ your intake, yet at the same time knowing you aren’t in control at all, the eating disorder is controlling you. Because if you were really in control of it, you could choose to stop it too. The constant obsession with food, weight, numbers. They
aren’t just numbers anymore, they are what you base your self-worth on.
Nothing else matters anymore. That is the reality of an eating disorder.
In the second picture, I was laughing as I lay in a ‘tent’ made from
bedsheets in the Progression/Transition lounge with one of my amazing friends from inpatient late one night. The difference just 4 months can
make. I had energy back. There is life in my eyes, my smile is real. I
was having fun again. Laughing at silly things, being silly for the sake of it. One of the amazing nurses there said to me that I am ‘very witty’ when I’m in the right mood for it. I had a sense of humour again. I had my personality back. I can concentrate on
uni work again. I am about to start a project looking at pathological motivation to exercise in people with eating disorders. I can see a future. Those are the things that eating
disorders take away from you, and those are the things that make it
worth recovering for.
Third Entyvio infusion done! The nurse told me that my blood test from last time came back a lil bit better and this makes me really hapy! Futhermore, the nurse make it quicker than usual so I could be back at home at 14h! And look at this sun behind me, it was a good day!
Palestinian Refugee in Jordan has Orthopedic Surgery
Salam Abu-Ali is a 10-year-old Palestinian girl from Irbid who suffered a fracture just above the elbow at 2 years of age and was since treated multiple times without success leaving her with a severe elbow deformity. On February 17th, Dr. Ghassan B. Alami performed a humeral corrective osteotomy and refixation to improve her elbow’s function and appearance. The surgery took place at Al-Khalidi Hospital (with the usual hospital discount), and its expenses were covered by local donors. Thank you Dr. Ghassan B. Alami for generously donating your time and expertise.