We didn’t say goodbye because it wasn’t, and goodbyes are kind of really just awful and we knew, even when we were kind of crying but kind of laughing, that we’d be seeing each other soon. I think that’s a huge part of what love is, and what it means to be intimate with someone when your relationship isn’t a sexual one. It’s letting a person leave so that they can come back. It’s singing to each other in the car on the way home to a song that portrays absolutely every single thing you can’t put into words and holding each other for only a second after because anything longer might last forever. It’s knowing that it’s always going to be hello, even when it feels a lot like goodbye.

pre-emptively (or belatedly?????) worrying about being incredibly annoying and overbearing and the person people dread seeing online and fighting to urge to do what i do best and run far far far away and cut myself off from everyone to protect them from that ((which will also protect ppl who know me online (online friends???) from the inevitable shitstorm of emotions that’s due for the timespan october-january which turn me into literally the most poisonous person to know))