What is my goal? What is my happiness?

In case you didn’t know I’m fighting the ongoing war against depression every fucking day.  Today it sucked.  Bad.  I’m at work and my friend, who knows that struggle I deal with, saw I was working alone and came up and worked with me.  Its hard for me to communicate my issues because I always feel like a burden or that no one would understand.  He’s working with me in silence till he asks me 'taking boys and all that bullshit out of the equation of whats wrong with you…where do you want to be in life?  Where's your goal?  What do you want to do?  What makes you happiest? I honestly sat there and thought about it for a good half hour.  I want to wake up and walk down to the kitchen of my dream house, hold a cup of tea in my hands, and just look out the window at the small backyard.  There’s a small patio with an easel and unfinished painting on a canvas.  Upstairs I know there’s an office in one of the three bedrooms where records line the walls and there’s bookshelves with hundreds of books lining the walls.  A small window seat for me to read on and look out the window.  There’s a piano downstairs and nice black furniture and tasteful art on the walls.  But out of all of that its the tea…Its me standing there looking out the window out to the backyard…I snap back from my happiness and respond with all of that.  But its mostly just waking up, going to the kitchen, and that simple unstressed moment.  That’s my happiness.  But even as I’m sitting here typing this I realized I didn’t take a certain man out of the situation and the reason I knew that was because of the piano.  I don’t play piano.  He does.  Even there in that moment of happiness he was in my head.  I’m fucking in love with you.  Head over heels where my brain is leaving symbols of you and here I am writing about you on tumblr yet again at 4:30 AM.  I just wish you knew how happy you make me and how much you destroy me.  How inspirational you are to me and how you make my mind draw a blank.  I hate how everyone calls me yours but you don’t see it that way.  Just friends for now…I’m scared that’s all we’ll ever be.  Just friends with benefits.  I want to give you the same happiness you give me…I’m just scared you’ll leave.  I’ve never been so scared of someone in my life.  Please don’t prove me right.  

every time i try to follow the lyrics for “Dream house” i just get lost and give and just wait for “IIIIIM DYYYYIINNNGNNGGGG”

Yeah, I have a dream house, but it won’t be my dream home unless you’re there with me. Why? Because you’re my dream. You’re my home.

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