Dear Tumblr

Dear Tumblr,

Firstly, Fuck you very much. I was perfectly fine. Happy even. I didn’t even know what ships were, let alone what otp’s were. Then one fateful day, browsing the internet (which I did a lot less then) looking for supernatural spoilers, I saw a cute destiel drawing. (I’ve been watching the show pretty much since the beginning.) I didn’t even know they were a ship. But after seeing it, I thought yeah I can see it; why hadn’t I before? I should have closed the page, turned back. But I didn’t. I clicked on it. I clicked on the picture. And YOU were there. Telling me to sign up with you’re cute blue box. And like the idiot I was, I listened. At first it was beautiful. so many cute drawings. And the gifs! They were glorious. The bloggers quirky and funny. So, I started to ship more cute little ships. That’s when it started. The ship addiction. All the ships they were there. I started shipping anyone and anything together. It was a bit painful, but I told myself it was all okay; in my mind, they would be together and it would all work out. It had to. Then, came the Fics. It started out all cute and fluffy. Then it all went so wrong. I started to read the angst and smut and-god forbid it- the major character deaths (I’m talking about you, Twist and Shout). With those came the darker sides of You. The sides that show just how broken we as bloggers are. But even then, I stayed. I couldn’t leave. I can’t leave. I have become addicted to the fandoms. To the blogs. The fan arts. The Fics. And I hate it. I hate the feels. I hate the heartbreaking stories. So fuck you very much. I’m going to go cry in a corner and drown in feels. Because everything hurts right now. Ugh.

Dear me, when do you stop pretending to be happy? When do you stop pretending to smile when you just want to cry? When do you stop to keep it all inside? But most of all, dear me, when do you stop being what you aren’t? With a broken heart, me.

Dear tumblr,

My sister’s best friend is in a bad situation. He’s gay and his dad a hardcore conservative. Something’s going on tonight, and I’m not sure what. If you could reblog (or even just like) this to show that people are here for him and love him, it would mean the world to me (and my sister, and him). Thanks so much.

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Dear Tumblr ,

Dear Tumblr,

Wala akong mapaghingahan ng sama ng loob. Hindi ko nga rin maikwento sayo ang totoo kong nararamdaman. Malungkot ako, gusto ko lang naman lumakas ang loob sa kung anuman ang desisyon ko sa susunod na mga araw. Yung mga taong gusto kong maniwala sa akin, nawalan na ng tiwala. Hindi ko maipaliwanag ang sarili ko. Hindi ko masabi lahat ng nangyayari sa akin. Isang yakap naman TUMBLR! Sa pamamagitan mo, maramdaman ko man lang na hindi ako huhusgahan, may mga anon man atleast hindi nila ako kilala personally.

Hindi ako broken-hearted, dahil wala naman akong lover. Yung unan at kumot ko lang ang kaulayaw ko sa gabi. Ang hangin at ulan ang kayakapan ko sa labas. Minamahal ako ng mother earth kaya bilang sukli I love her back. Kengkoy mang pakinggan, ako muna ang magmamahal sa sarili ko. Hindi ako naghahanap rito ng gwapo para maging kasintahan. Okay na ako sa sermon ni tatay. Hindi ako bitter, frustrated lang. Hindi ko kailangang icomfort, may banyo kami sa bahay. Kuntento na ako dahil may kumakausap sa’kin dito.

Lumihis ako ng daan sa nilalakaran ng angkan namin. Napapag-iwanan na ako. Licensed na sila, hindi ko pa natapos ang kurso ko. Hindi ko maiwasang mainggit. Naikukumpara pa sa kanila ang naging sitwasyon ko. Anong sabi? GOODLUCK NA LANG SA’YO <insert sarcasm here>. Tinawanan ko silang lahat pero ang totoo naiiyak. Ayokong magmura pero PATAPALABOK LANG! Masakit po… Gusto nyang ipatapos pero hindi nya pinakinggan kung saan ang passion ko. Aminado noong una, nagpabaya ako pero hindi nila alam ang dami kong kwento. Nakakapagod ring magpaliwanag kung hindi ka iintindihin. Ang sabi? BAHALA KA’NA SA BUHAY MO. Sana wag naman akong sukuan.

Ang drama ei nu? Daming walang makain, ito pa ipinuputok ng butse ko. Gusto ko lang makahinga ng normal dahil kahit paano nakakagalaw ako ng maayos rito.

Madalas poker face, walang pakialam, tumatawa lang kaya siguro naiinsulto sila sa paraan ng pagtanggap ko sa nangyari. Makakatulong ba ang pag-iyak maghapon? Tatalino ba ako kung magkukulong sa kwarto? Live light sabi ko. Gagawan ng paraan para makuha ang gusto. Hindi pwedeng nasa isang lugar lang, tatakbo ako. Nasa finish line man sila, hindi naman sila ang target ko. Ang sarap kayang mabuhay sa paraang gusto mo. Ok lang namang madiktahan nila, wag lang sosobra. Pipili ka lang ng tama para sa’yo.

Gumaan ang pakiramdam ko <hugot hininga sabay tawa>. Hindi ko ginustong maging auditor, dati ko pang trip maging editor. Malayo pa man sa katotohanan, alam ko naman aking pupuntahan. Bagito pa ako, marami pang bigas ang kakainin. Pero nararamdaman ko this coming days malapit na ang paglaya ko. Sheyts! Eksayted na ako! Kinakabahan pero iba ang adrenaline na kasama nito.

Tumblr! Mwa! Mwa! Nagbibigay tuwa ka, sa kagaya kong lalaya na.

Nagbabagong landas,

KCARAMPARO.