As requested by anon. :)
As the requester explained to me, the inspiration for this list was the revelation that the guy Ichigo fought in plushie form, the one who seemed shady and creepy, was secretly a kindergarten teacher. So what if all of the Bleach villains had kindhearted or community-minded hobbies? What would each of them do?
1. Aizen: Volunteers at nursing homes
There he hosts tea parties, listens patiently to the residents’ stories, and basically makes them feel like they are the center of his universe.
Aizen: Why yes, Ms. Krumpnik, I can teach you how to tie a proper bondage knot.
Aizen: No I don’t need to know why.
2. Bazz-B: Volunteers for Locks of Love
He not only cuts the hair, but also makes people feel good about their new look.
Bazz-B: Of course short hair is punk rock!
Bazz-B: I shaved my head for the cause, and now I have this cool mohawk that everybody loves!
3. Starrk: Looks for people’s lost pets
You can “hire” him (he’s free), but he’ll also just look when he sees a missing pet poster.
Starrk: Losing a pet is lonely.
Starrk: And soul wolves are surprisingly good at tracking.
4. Gin: Works at a soup kitchen
Not that he will admit it to anyone.
Gin: I’m okay with a lot of things.
Gin: But not hungry kids.
5. Giselle: Does pronoun training
For companies, schools, anyone who’s interested.
Giselle: And if anyone misgenders you, feel free to kill them!
Giselle: I never understand why everyone laughs there.
6. BG9: Visits children’s hospitals
So that the kids can see a *real* robot.
Parent: Your robot costume is so amazing, thank you!
BG9: My “costume,” yes.
7. Gerard: Visits children’s hospitals
Because apparently all the kids these days love Thor.
Parent: Your Thor costume is so amazing, thank you!
Gerard: No but this is my real look.
Parent: Ha ha of course it is!
8. Ginjo: Buys carloads of instant ramen and takes it to food banks
A bit more often than the food banks want.
Employee: Sir please we still haven’t gone through your last car load of ramen.
Ginjo: But it’s been several days!
9. Tsukishima: Makes dinner for his neighbors when they are sick
Or if they’ve lost a loved one. Or if he noticed they were ordering takeout again for like the third straight night.
Tsukishima: Take the homemade casserole.
Tsukishima: Love yourself.
10. Grimmjow: Coaches kids’ sports leagues
And he always brings orange slices.
Grimmjow: Remember, it’s not whether you win or lose, but how you play the game that counts!
Ichigo: Who are you?
Grimmjow: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU COME FROM?!
11. Meninas: Volunteers with Habitat for Humanity
She can build an entire house by herself. Very quickly.
Meninas: I guess most people need a crew?’
12. Szayel: Throws kids’ birthday parties
He brings (non-poisonous) sweets, does (SFW) science experiments, and will even decorate if the parent wants.
Parent: Pink? This party is for a boy!
Szayel: And your point is….?
13. Aaroniero: Teaches community theater
He wanted a higher paying gig, but they were the only ones who would take him.
Aaroniero: No! You have to BE the part!
14. Tosen: Gives free legal advice
Most of it is carefully researched and helpful. But he always ends by suggesting that they try starting a revolution instead.
Tosen: All I’m saying is that the legal system basically sucks.
15. Ulquiorra: Reads to children at the library
His lack of inflection isn’t his *worst* problem.
Ulquiorra: What do you mean Edgar Allen Poe isn’t suitable material for the children?
Ulquiorra: Children love ravens.