How they'd solve a Rubik's Cube


As requested by squadron-of-damned. :)


Bleach characters have just been handed a Rubik’s Cube! How will they deal with it?


1. Ishida: Solves it slowly and methodically

Ishida: I’ve studied ALL of the optimal solution algorithms! 


2. Ryuken: Solves it less slowly and more methodically

Ryuken: I only studied the one solution algorithm that works the best.


3. Bazz-B: Sets the cube on fire

Bazz-B: There! All of the faces have the same color!

Bazz-B: Charred black.


4. Nanao: Solves her own cube and also Kyoraku’s

Nanao: He fell asleep while doing it.


5. Ulquiorra: Questions the nature of the cube

Ulquiorra: Why do humans assume that like colors want to be together?

Ulquiorra: What is wrong with a rainbow?


6. Orihime: Uses her powers to reject the cube back to its original solved state

Orihime: Wow, I can’t believe that worked!

Orihime: …I wonder if this would work on math problems.


7. Soi Fon: Takes off the stickers and rearranges them

Soi Fon: It is the solution, not the method, that matters.


8. Ginjo: Tells Ichigo that everybody he loves will die if he doesn’t solve the cube

Ginjo: I prefer to outsource these things.


9. Ichigo: Cannot solve the cube

Ichigo: BOTH SPHERES AND CUBES ARE MY WEAKNESSES

Ichigo: REALLY ANY 3-DIMENSIONAL SHAPE


10. Komamura: Cannot solve the cube

Komamura: Turns out being colorblind is a major disadvantage.


11. Yachiru: Advises Kenpachi on how to solve the cube

Yachiru: Twist the middle one twice! You’re so almost there!

Kenpachi: You’ve been saying that for 19 hours.


12. Grimmjow: Punches the cube a lot

Grimmjow: It will either solve itself or be destroyed!

Tosen: Grimmjow no.

Grimmjow: Grimmjow yes!


13
. Aizen: Solves the cube in 30 seconds with his eyes closed

Aizen: I was going to do it one-handed, but that seemed showy.


14. Urahara: Solves the cube in 30 seconds with his eyes closed, one-handed

Urahara: Oops did I accidentally outdo Aizen?


15. Shinji: Cannot solve the cube

Shinji: WHAT IS GOING ON WITH ME LATELY?!


16. Mashiro: Solves the cube in 15 hours

Mashiro: Woo! Fifteen hours!

Kensei: LONGER ISN’T BETTER IN THIS CASE


17. 
Starrk: Unwraps the cube and leaves it

Starrk: It comes solved, people.

Lilinette: THAT DOESN’T COUNT 


18. Kurotsuchi: Turns the cube into a poison-filled bomb

Kurotsuchi: That’s what “solved” means in my book.


19. Unohana: Solves Kurotsuchi’s cube

Unohana: Was there poison?


20. Tosen: Leaves the cube unsolved

Tosen: I sense that it wants to be a rainbow.

Bleach characters at a Renaissance Fair


Author’s choice list. :)


This is what might happen if Bleach characters attended a Renaissance Fair! 


1. Ishida: Makes elaborate period costumes for himself and all of his friends

Ishida: Please note my awesome cape.

Ishida: My bag is full of spares.

Orihime: Look at how pretty the dress Ishida made for you is, Rukia! I think he still has a thing for you!

Rukia: But seriously how does he know my size?

Ichigo: I think my costume looks a little weird.

Ishida: Kurosaki, WHY are you wearing your sword on your HEAD?

Ichigo: I assumed that’s how you wanted it to be.

Ishida: TAKE IT OFF!


2. Rukia: Gets really into faux-archaic speech

Rukia: Dost thou wish to eateth some hot dogs, fair Inoue?

Orihime: I doth!

Ichigo: I am so walking 15 steps behind you guys so nobody knows I know you.


3. Kenpachi: Misunderstands the nature of the swordplay demonstrations

Kenpachi: The fuck is this?

Kenpachi: You people aren’t even drawing blood.

Kenpachi: Worst fight ever.


4. Ikkaku: Carries around a real sword

Renji: Real swords really aren’t allowed in the human world, dude.

Ikkaku: What are you talking about! There are swords EVERYWHERE around here!


5. Unohana: Is disappointed in the food offerings

Unohana: This so-called turkey leg is dry and uninspiring.

Unohana: I could cook much, much better meat.


6. Riruka: Spends all her time shopping for trinkets

Riruka: Blown glass can be super adorable.

Riruka: Good to know. 


7. Kyoraku: Makes friends with all the drunken, big-bosomed ladies

Kyoraku: Best event EVER!

Nanao: The ONE time he takes me with him…


8. Matsumoto: Rents a costume

Kira: You look great, Rangiku. Where’s Hisagi?

Matsumoto: Considering the corset I’m wearing, I assume he’s still passed out!


9. Aizen: Wears fairy wings

Aizen: BUTTERFLY wings

Gin: That won’t make anybody snigger less, Aizen-sama.


10. James: Spends his entire time at the joust

James:  GOOOOOO RED TEAM!

Mask de Masculine: I’m beginning to feel hurt


11. Jackie: Keeps accidentally activating her fullbring

Jackie: Is it my fault that there is mud EVERYWHERE?


12. Byakuya: Watches the puppet shows

Renji: You’re imagining Admiral Seawed in a Renaissance puppet show now, aren’t you, Captain?

Byakuya: Yes.


13. Nelliel: Has the best centaur-cosplay anyone has ever seen

Nelliel: Think I’ll win the costume contest?

Ichigo: I’m pretty sure that’s cheating!


14. Nnoitra: Spends the whole day at the axe-throwing booth

Nnoitra: I’M PRETTY SURE THESE AXES AREN’T WEIGHTED CORRECTLY


15. Grimmjow: Ends up in the stocks

Grimmjow: I’m sorry, but if you call yourself “king” you gotta EXPECT a challenge!

Grimmjow:

Grimmjow: Could somebody let me out now?

If Aizen had to replace the espada with other arrancar...


As requested by anon. :)


Disaster has struck in Hueco Mundo! All of the espada are either dead or missing or have resigned. Aizen must now pick 10 new espada using the other arrancar at his disposal. How will he refill the espada ranks, if it were based more on personality and powers than on strength?


#10: The (new) espada of anger: Tesla

Taking Yammy’s place is Tesla. Tesla does not, it is true, seem like a particularly angry guy. He’s pretty level-headed. But on the other hand, his release form makes him much larger, at which point he likes to beat people to death. So 

Tesla: Also just like Yammy, I like to follow an esapda around and interpose myself into his fights, sometimes in an unwelcome fashion.

Yammy: What do you mean unwelcome?


#9: The (new) espada of greed: Dordoni

Taking Aaroniero’s place is Dordoni. Admittedly, they’re pretty different people. But I figured the espada of greed should be somebody who wants a lot and goes after it, and that fits Dordoni. All through his fight with Ichigo, he wanted Ichigo to use his full power. He didn’t want to be shortchanged, as it were. And he was willing to use any means to goad Ichigo into using his bankai.

 Aaroniero: I feel like you lack the desire to eat everything that would truly make you me.

Dordoni: Thank goodness!


#8: The (new) espada of madness: Cirucci

Taking Szayel’s place is Cirucci. It just feels right, somehow: Cirucci has a similar mix of cruelty, perversion and craftiness to that of Szayel. She’s not particularly sciency, but maybe that’s just because she’s never had a lab. I’m sure she’d love to do terrible experiments on Ishida.

Cirucci: YES PLEASE

Szayel: Okay but how do you feel about traps?


#7: The (new) espada of intoxication: Charlotte

Charlotte takes Zommari’s place. But I have to be honest: I have *never* understood how Zommari represents intoxication or what intoxication has to do with aspects of death. So, uh, I’m basing this on the similarities in personality between the two. Zommari is a major control freak: his power literally allows him to take control of his opponent. Charlotte declares that “a princess always gets her way” and that the battle ends when Charlotte says that it ends. Plus, I could see Charlotte representing intoxication: being intoxicated by one’s own beauty and prowess. 

Zommari: But I would never give my attacks super long names. That is the opposite of being fast.

Charlotte: There are more important things than being fast, you know!

Zommari: You hurt me inside.


#6: The (new) espada of destruction: Ggio

Ggio takes over Grimmjow’s spot. Like Grimmjow, Ggio loves fighting and wants to prove his own strength. The two of them revel in destroying their opponents. But also like Grimmjow, Ggio’s downfall is his own self-destructive tendencies. He lets himself get goaded into revealing all of his powers, and then is taken down. 

Grimmjow: My only advice is: pick just the one shinigami you want to be obsessed with, and then pursue that one aggressively forever.

Ggio: Done!


#5: The (new) espada of despair: Loly

Taking Nnoitra’s place is Loly. Loly and Nnoitra have a lot in common: they are angry and violent, and they both have one female who is the main target for their rage. Nnoitra always attacked Nel, and Loly always attacked Orihime. For both, these attacks stem from their own secret feelings of inadequacy: Nnoitra despaired that he was not worthy of being killed, and Loly despaired that Aizen liked Orihime better than her.

Nnoitra: HOW DARE MY PLACE BE TAKEN BY A WOMAN?!?!

Loly: Woo staff meetings with Aizen-sama!


#4: The (new) espada of emptiness: Sung-Sun

Sung-Sun takes Ulquiorra’s place. Ulquiorra was a solitary guy, emotionless and unable to understand humanity. Sung-Sun, unlike Ulquiorra, does have companions: but in a group of three fracciones, she’s always the odd one out. While Apacci and Mila Rose argue, she’s off on her own, making sarcastic comments. And sure she’s loyal to Halibel, but then, so was Ulquiorra to Aizen. Sung-Sun, like Ulquiorra, keeps any emotions she may have buried deep, deep inside - even covering her face with her sleeve to prevent any stray emotion from slipping out. Plus I could totally see her ripping off Ishida’s hand.

Ulquiorra: The next step is to pick an organ to obsess over.

Ulquiorra: The heart is mine, but you could always go for the liver.

Sung-Sun: That is a terrible idea.


#3: The (new) espada of sacrifice: Shawlong

Taking Halibel’s place is Shawlong. Finding an arrancar who’s cool with sacrifice was a little difficult, but I settled on Shawlong. Shawlong was one of Grimmjow’s fracciones, and the one who once asked Grimmjow to please eat them because they were never going to evolve any further. In other words, he was willing to sacrifice himself and his companions, but in a highly calculated way: he figured the sacrifice would benefit everyone. 

Halibel: You lost to Hitsugaya though. 

Shawlong: It was an off day.


#2: The (new) espada of age: Rudbornn

Taking Barragan’s place is Rudbornn. Barragan believed that nothing could withstand his power, and that he himself was immortal, a god. Rudbornn, although not an old dude, had a similar sort of attitude. He believed that because of his cloning abilities, he could never be killed - and he happily sent his clone underlings to his death, showing a similar management strategy to Barragan’s. In the end, of course, they were both proved dead wrong.

Barragan: How can he represent aging? He’s not even old.

Rudbornn: Um hello my face is a skull. 


#1: The (new) espada of loneliness: Kukkapuro

Starrk was defined by his loneliness: he really wanted friends, but he never could manage it. Kukkapuro is the arrancar who best captures this aspect. In all of his scenes, Kukkapuro just wanted cuddles and/or recognition from Yammy, but Yammy refused. Kukkapuro was one lonely puppy, but he never stopped trying.

Starrk: Um I don’t think Aizen would be cool with letting a puppy lead his espada.

Yammy: He let him into his army, didn’t he?

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