Alexander the Great

2

HURRY UP WITH MY DAMN CROISSANTS: a mix for the alexander the great you wished you’d studied. [ L I S T E N ]

                     ‘SUCK MY DICK.’ - alexander iii of macedon, circa 331 b.c.

                                                       356 - 338 b.c.

I.   the creepiest ten year old in history
                   WHEN I GROW UP - the pussycat dolls

II.   the mother of all oedipus complexes
                   NO ANGELS - bastille ft ella

III.   subtlety didn’t exist in ancient greece
                   NO HOMO - the lonely island

IV.   please calm down
                   HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW - the heavy

V.   teenage tantrum in the form of potential civil war
                   THREW IT ON THE GROUND - the lonely island

VI.  classical edition backstreet boys
                   CLIQUE - kanye west ft. jay z

VII.   belated sexual awakening
                   I KISSED A BOY (COVER) - cobra starship

VIII.  oops i killed my dad
                   MOVE BITCH (HEDEGAARD REMIX) - ludacris
                                     

                                                       
                                                       336 - 330 b.c.

IX.   please try to act like you’re sorry your dad’s dead
                   SURVIVOR - beyonce

X.   this is imperialism, and it’s not cool
                   PRIMADONNA - marina and the diamonds
                   
XI.  literally no one else thinks this is a good idea
                   I’M ON A BOAT - the lonely island
                   
XII.  seriously, calm down
                   TURN DOWN FOR WHAT - dj snake & lil’ jon
                   
XIII. this is going to catastrophically affect the known world
                   I CAN DO ANYTHING - 3oh!3
                   
XIV.  you culturally appropriative asshole
                   PRETTY FLY FOR A WHITE GUY (COVER) - vitamin string quartet 

                                                       
                                                       329 - 323 b.c.

XV.  cutting off the heads of existing friends won’t make you new friends
                   HEADS WILL ROLL - yeah yeah yeahs

XVI.  seriously, CHILL
                   I AM A GOD - kanye west

XVII.  you’re a fucking embarrassment
                   BITCH - the plasticines 

XVIII.  lying on a corpse crying for three days 
                   I’M NOT CRYING - flight of the concords

XVIV.  the drinking problem that changed the course of history
                   A LITTLE PARTY NEVER KILLED NOBODY - fergie

XX.  this went about as well as could be expected
                   DIE YOUNG - ke$ha

Reading the iliad is so crazy because like alexander the great was reading this story over 2000 years ago?? he probably wrote fanfiction about achilles and patroclus and told hephaestion his headcanons?? life is absurd

Reading about Alexander the Great is so much more fun if you add ‘no homo’ to the end of his gayest exploits:

  • “yo, hephaestion, you know who was totally rad? achilles. i’m gonna constantly publicly compare myself to him, so you should totally do the same with his bud patroclus! i mean, some of the greatest minds of our time have written about how they were totally doin’ it, but no homo!”
  • “heey, hephaestion! ya know how we were talking about good ol’ achilles and his boy patroclus? well how 'bout we take a detour to troy to pay tribute at their tombs and then maybe we can oil each other up and run naked down a beach ha ha no homo!”
  • “the dorians? oh yeah, us macedonians are definitely related to the dorians. a lot of greeks credit the dorians with introducing man-on-man sex to greece, it was a behavior that was even expected of their ruling class … no homo.”
  • “hey, bagoas, nice dancing. you know what wouldn’t be gay? if we made out. right here. everyone wants it. come on, bro, no homo.”
  • “what’s that?” “oh nothing, hephaestion. just a letter from that delightful fellow we met living in a barrel, diogenes of sinope. it’s really nothing … here’s something about me 'yielding’ to your thighs … uh, no homo …”
  • “hey, hephaestion, let’s get married together! no homo!”
  • “yo, hephaestion, you know what totally wouldn’t be gay? if you died and i wept over your corpse for a day straight until i had to be dragged away and maybe i wouldn’t eat for a whole two days cause i was too busy sobbing and then i spent anywhere from 10,000 to 12,000 talents, which is like a billion dollars, on funerary shit and i could extinguish that sacred flame that’s only supposed to be extinguished upon the death of the great king but whatever i mean you too are alexander and i could try to get you deified and then maybe the grief caused by your death could contribute to my declining mental and physical health over the next eight months until i also died ha ha NO HOMO!”

modern queens | olympias

the succession of philip and the last two years of olympias’ life were full of bloodshed, and many authors - both ancient and modern - have considered her a cruel woman. this is exaggerated. she was trying to stay alive and see to the succession of her son and grandson. of the many macedonian leaders who took part in the civil wars after the death of alexander the great, she was one of the few who were not fighting for their own power, but for the legitimate dynasty.

Alexander the Great Virtual Museum to be Completed End of 2015

The virtual museum for Alexander the Great, which through the internet will present the personality and the legacy of the Macedonian king to the whole world, is expected to be completed at the end of 2015, archaeologist, head of the Imathia Antiquities Ephorate and initiator of the project Angeliki Kottaridou said at an event held at Ianos bookstore.

A five-hour documentary, seven thematic units, 304 objects which will serve as a starting point to unfold aspects of the Hellenistic world and 3,500 texts make up the virtual museum that will run through the centuries, from the beginning of Macedonia until the modern time references to Alexander the Great. Read more.

sincerelyremuslupin asked:

I was wondering if you have any favorite Alexander facts, because that story about him building a freaking land bridge to Tyre was really cool.

i have SO MANY favourite alexander stories bc this kid is a walking fucking disaster and it’s hilarious. history literally gave a 21 year old frat boy a 36 thousand strong army and told him to go crazy, what did you EXPECT

  • okay so one time when he was a kid he was doing sacrifices at the temple with his old tutor leonidas, and alexander being a prince and the son of a king and being like WHAT?? IS WORKING?? FOR MONEY?? was throwing bunches of expensive spices into the sacrifice fire, and leonidas was like ‘u know we literally work people to death in the mines as a country to pay for those spices right’ and alexander was like, 'i won’t be forgetting this INSULT, old man’
    so ten years later, alexander goes on his pisstaking contest with his dead dad, and starts his dumbass scheme of conquering sea by land by taking every city on the eastern mediterranean seaboard. one of these cities was gaza, which was the absolute centre of manufacturing spices in the ancient world. after he takes gaza - itself a really great story, but not funny, ja feel? bc he literally kills 10000 people - he sends leonidas 25 TONNES OF SPICES, WORTH LITERALLY THOUSANDS OF GOLD TALENTS, AND SAYS - 
    'don’t be so fucking cheap, you old asshole' 
    you think you have patience? alexander literally waited ten years for this fuckin punchline, you’ve got nothing
  • the first fucking illyrian campaign is FUCKING HILARIOUS. okay so philip leaves for greece and puts SIXTEEN YEAR OLD ALEXANDER AS REGENT OF MACEDON. in the meantime, the raiders from the north come down and start like, killing cattle and having a bbq, and antipater is like, 'bro maybe don’t do anything bc we’re really poor rn and we can’t afford two wars’ and alexander was like 'sounds like SOMEONE is a pussy’
    long story short he goes up north and chases off the raiders, and then when he hears his dad established a new city, alexander was like FUCK YOU I’M GOING TO DO THAT TOO. which is. literally. a trespass of royal power. the oedipus is strong in this one.
  • the ENTIRE GEDROSIAN CROSSING. this is way after the persian campaign and everyone is kind of like ’…. did we follow a total asshole to the edge of the known world?’ and alexander, having surpassed achilles and dionysus and his dear old dad, decides the next best thing he could do is cross a desert which is literally known for swallowing armies. why? bc cyrus the great did it and got out the other side with like eight men. also why? BC HIS MEN REFUSED TO GO ON ANOTHER TEN YEAR MARCH INTO INDIA SO HE WANTED TO PUNISH THEM. in the ensuing disaster he lost over 10000 fighting men and countless camp followers not to mention baggage and livestock. when he got out the other side he was like, 'GUESS WHO BEAT CYRUS’
  • the Great Experimentation With Guyliner of 329 bc; alexander makes a political statement by mixing up his wardrobe
  • okay this isn’t really funny but it kind of is - the fact that he VEHEMENTLY REFUSED TO KNOCK UP HIS WIFE ROKSHANA AND THUS SECURE HIS LEGACY UNTIL A MONTH AFTER HEPHAESTION DIES
  • I MEAN
  • speaking of which, lying on a corpse and crying for three days
  • the entire return to babylon is a fucking shitshow, like it’s hilarious how far gone he was by then. by then he was publcally calling himself the son of zeus, and when he sent a request to athens to be called the son of zeus publically, it literally got LAUGHED AND PASSED AROUND THE ECCLESIA LIKE A DIRTY DOODLE IN AN 8TH GRADE CLASS. notable comments: 'if he wants we can make him the son of poseidon as well’ and 'has his balls even dropped yet' 
[Alexander the Great’s] emotional commitment to Hephaistion is among the most certain facts of his life. … After his victory at Issus, when the captive women … were [wailing] …, Alexander went to their tent to reassure them, taking Hephaistion along. … they walked in together, dressed much alike; Hephaistion was taller and by Persian standards more impressive; the Queen Mother prostrated herself before him. Warned of her error by the frantic signals of her attendants, she turned in distressed confusion to the real King, who said to her, “But you weren’t wrong, Mother; he too is Alexander.”
—  Mary Renault, Fire from Heaven; Author’s Note