For those of you who, for some reason or another, care about what goes on in my silly little life, i apologize for my lack in posting in comparison to a few weeks ago. i started working at starbucks and been trying to step my AA-game up.
starbucks has been great; i’ve been training in a store very near my house and it feels good to be back on my feet doing something productive. my co-workers tend to think all of our customers are rotten assholes, and i don’t know if it’s my new way of thinking or the fact that hospitality assholes are way worse, but i think the customers are lovely [for now], and thoroughly enjoy making them coffee. the hours are rough, but honestly it feels so good and i am so grateful to wake up at ANY hour without a hangover. my hangovers were probably on the top of the list of really shitty parts about my drinking…considering at the end, for the past few years, i would be out of commission entirely for days on end without the ability to drink or eat without immediately vomiting multiple times, and sometimes blood.
that being said, work has been lovely and i cannot complain at all.
the biggest news is that, as i briefly mentioned last week, i decided to end things with my boyfriend. it is a very strange feeling because i spent so much time dreading what it would be like to actually have to do it, but i did. i was a chicken-shit about it, in that i did it via text which is just embarrassing to even admit, and i know i will be making amends to him later on in my recovery for that. however, in my own defense, i have tried throughout our entire relationship to talk to him about important matters in person or over the phone and gotten no where. the only way we have ever been able to have a decent conversation with results is via text… which probably says enough about my relationship to know it wasn’t going to get very far. i’m sure you all read the stark raving mad and bitter resentful angry posts i made over the past month or so about how hurt i was feeling. that last weekend at the wedding was enough to push me over the edge. i realized the reasons i DIDN’T want to break it off with him were ridiculous… feeling bad that he bought me an engagement ring, fearing that his mother would hate me for breaking his heart, things that had absolutely nothing to do with our actual relationship. i am 110% certain that i have done the right thing. we are going in two entirely different directions, and as much as i know he loves me and he would sacrifice anything for me… he hasn’t, and he hasn’t because he doesn’t want it for himself, and i WILL not make someone do something for me that he doesn’t want for himself. i tried explaining that to him, that the reason i was breaking up with him was because we were on two totally different paths and that i knew he wasn’t ready to make the drastic changes that i was making and that i couldn’t continue in my recovery living the same life i was living before. he couldn’t hear it, he was so upset and shocked. i brought up all the ways i’ve tried to give him an opportunity to speak to me, to tell me what was on his mind, all the times i asked him to come visit me, asked him to do something that didn’t involve getting fucked up, all the times i set clear warning that if we could not make alternative arrangements to going to parties and bars every time we hung out that we would be doomed, but nothing changed. and it really broke me down that during the last weekend he wouldn’t even come to bed with me because he wanted to stay up and get high . i brought up how he must have known somewhere inside because he said himself that sunday night “i don’t know how you can stay with me when i’m always getting wasted around you” and he said something like “that was a rhetorical question”. i don’t think he even knows what that means, but he obviously knew in his heart that him being drunk around me all the time wasn’t working. i’ve repeated these things to myself over and over to remind myself that i’m doing the right thing. that i love him to death and i know he loves me to death but we are both doomed for misery if we stay together.
he texted me today, we very briefly caught up… checking in on one another i guess. i think he wanted to see if maybe i had changed my mind. i’m not going to waste his time by telling him how i miss him. i do, of course i fucking do, i miss the life we had, but i know that the life we’ve had recently has been full of dishonesty and discomfort and sadness… at least on my end. he’s been playing the ignorance is bliss thing for a long time, hence the shock he was in.
but as sad as i am about it, i am even more-so relieved. i feel like a weight has been lifted off. i am taking my life back one day at a time and now i have so much space in my head and in my heart to dedicate to this recovery.
i’ve been going to meetings every day. i met a girl last night who i think will really benefit my sobriety. i’m feeling more confident that i’ll be able to get this thing down. i started a commitment as a greeter at my friday night open meeting.
and i know that this pain will not only help my recovery, but that someday when i tell my story in front of a room full of people, there will be a girl just like myself who hears what i went through and is therefore able to find the courage to make the necessary changes in her own life.
tomorrow will be 30 days since i drank that glass of vodka and while the past few days have been good & i haven’t been thinking about drinking, today i started thinking of it again. and what i know is that when that happens i need to step my game up, make sure i don’t put myself in a dangerous situation. make sure i get to a meeting EVERY night. nip that thought in the bud by surrounding myself with sober people.
i made an okcupid profile, and even though i state very very clearly in it that i am ONLY looking to make friends… i have this shameful feeling. any pictures I’ve seen on tumblr related to sex i get all weird like i’m almost punishing myself for having desires. my now ex and i hadn’t slept together in a while, and my sexual identity has always been a really prevalent part of who i am and i’m not sure how to think of that. part of me says that it has a lot to do with my disease, another part of me says that it’s human nature and i shouldn’t feel guilty about having natural desires. i just don’t know what to think, and so as i mentioned a few weeks ago, it is becoming a bit of an obsession… the obsession now is trying NOT to think of it though. like “no caity don’t let your mind go to that place”.
so, all that being said, thanks for reading if you even got this far. thanks for all your sweet, kind and supportive words during this time. i just cannot express how grateful i am for the people that have been brought into my life through the social media recovery community… i want to save all my money to go on a recovery-tumblr-instagram-road trip and hug every single one of you who have been there for me through this.
love you all, good night <3