People who judge rehab, support groups, and therapy
  • Have probably never dealt with addiction
  • Think rehab, support groups, or therapy is supposed to cure an addiction
  • Don’t realize that if a person relapses, it has more to do with the person than it does the chosen method of treatment

Good, solid treatment would be 100% effective if the people it was treating 

  • Were completely open to changing their entire lifestyle
  • Continued working a recovery program for the rest of their lives

But because managing life whilst also having had an addiction is difficult, people often become complacent and fall back on old behavior. The relapse process does not start when the person first uses. It starts when the person stops using healthy coping mechanisms to deal with the little and big stresses of their lives. 

Addiction is incurable, and therefore, the person recovering must practice recovery on a daily basis to avoid relapsing. 

So instead of knocking treatment centers and calling certain support groups “bullshit,” maybe educate yourself as to why relapse rates are so high for those who struggle with addiction. 

Also, see if you can go a week without your precious Starbucks or using your smart phone. If your response is…

  • I could stop drinking coffee if I wanted to, I just don’t want to

or 

  • That’s different, I need my smart phone

…you’re more like an addict than you think. 

Don’t believe me? Go ahead. Try it. One week without coffee or your phone. I dare you. If you fail, magnify that by 1,000,000 and you’ll understand how hard it is for addicts to “just stop” and why it’s so hard for treatment centers and support groups to help those who suffer from addiction.

Random gratitude post. I’m lucky to feel and be alive. I’m lucky to have a roof over my head and my loving family. I’m lucky to have a clear mind instead of a mind hazed by drugs and booze. There was multiple instances that i should have died and I am here and well and that’s a goddamn miracle. Its all due to my 12 step program and a loving higher power who I choose to call God.

Whatever you are going though right now, I can swear on my life that it WILL pass and things WILL get better. If I can change from a suicidal drug addict to a person who is happy with life and himself, then anything is possible.

We Do Recover.

a story i heard from a speaker this morning:

"one of the oldest stories in AA is about a little 5 year old kid, he wants to play with his dad.  the dad’s an accountant he’s trying to think of a way to occupy the little 5 year old boy, so what the dad does is he grabs a map of the world, you know national geographic they have those great world maps.  dad rips the map of the world up into 50 pieces, he gives his son some tape.  he says to the little boy ‘i want you to put this map of the world back together and when you’re done we’ll play" and he’s thinking it’s gonna take this little 5 year old an hour, FINALLY some relief.  little 5 year old boy comes back in 3 minutes.  he’s got the whole map of the world taped back together.  it is perfect.  the dad says, "thats impossible, i’m 50 i couldn’t do that how’d you do it?" and the little boy says ‘you know dad on the back of the map of the world there’s a picture of a man, i just put the man back together and the whole world fell into place.’

if you’re new, that’s the spiritual technology of alcoholics anonymous.”

I don't understand people

Why do they get so offended when you don’t want to drink? Words like “killjoy” and “party pooper” pop up just because you don’t want to get wasted? And when you say you’re “just not drinking tonight” they actually get angry, and keep pressing you “come on, just have one? why not?” And it gets so awkward because I don’t want to just blurt out “i’m an alcoholic! sorry!” because that would be so awkward, but then the badgering goes on. I guess I’m hanging out with the wrong kinds of people.

No one ever got angry at me for refusing a glass of pineapple juice.

1 year 7 months 2 days

It’s the moments when they come out of nowhere… driving home and bam… craving a deep red wine and fancy french bar food…. I can still smell it.  It makes my mouth water… I didn’t stop… I’m still sober, and these moments remind me that life is worth so much more.  Wishing you all an easy day.  thanks for letting me take an active role in my recovery.. thanks for reading. 

8 years sober today, no alcohol or drugs. its easy for me to forget how it was like when i started recovery. i really thought i would not live past the age of 21 if i continued using. i have so many friends in recovery over the years and i’m grateful for every encounter i’ve shared, i couldn’t have done this alone. thank you to my family and friends that have supported me throughout the years. i am grateful for all the spiritual gifts, all the opportunities, the hard lessons learned, all the relationships mended, the moments of absolute peace, the blessings and all the chances to do service for others. i’m not perfect and it is humbling to say that i just try my best today. 

some of you may know the prayer of st. francis of assisi. for those that don’t, i would like to share it with you. i’ve started to say this prayer in the morning again. it guides my day and its an outline for a spiritual way of life. i just try my best to live by this  <333

make me a channel of thy peace,
that where there is hatred, i may bring love;
that where there is wrong, i may bring the spirit of forgiveness;
that where there is discord, i may bring harmony;
that where there is error, i may bring truth;
that where there is doubt, i may bring faith;
that where there is despair, i may bring hope;
that where there are shadows, i may bring light;
that where there is sadness, i may bring joy.
grant that i may seek rather to comfort
than to be comforted;
to understand, than to be understood;
to love, than to be loved.
for it is by self-forgetting that one finds.
it is by forgiving that one is forgiven.
it is by dying that one awakens to eternal life.

I’ve been stabbed in the back by those I needed most. I’ve been lied to by those I love. And I have felt alone when I couldn’t afford to be. But at the end of the day I had to learn to be my own best friend because there’s going to be days where no-one is going to be there for me but myself!
90 days

90 days sober today.

Cried at my meeting today because I can afford to buy a car. I have options for the first time in my life- I have money because I can show up to work. I’ve been able to save money because I’m learning how to manage my life again. I have some light at the end of the tunnel. I never want that light to disappear. 

I am grateful and I am excited to see where I am going.

an update

Hello everyone,

For those of you who, for some reason or another, care about what goes on in my silly little life, i apologize for my lack in posting in comparison to a few weeks ago.  i started working at starbucks and been trying to step my AA-game up.

starbucks has been great; i’ve been training in a store very near my house and it feels good to be back on my feet doing something productive.  my co-workers tend to think all of our customers are rotten assholes, and i don’t know if it’s my new way of thinking or the fact that hospitality assholes are way worse, but i think the customers are lovely [for now], and thoroughly enjoy making them coffee.  the hours are rough, but honestly it feels so good and i am so grateful to wake up at ANY hour without a hangover.  my hangovers were probably on the top of the list of really shitty parts about my drinking…considering at the end, for the past few years, i would be out of commission entirely for  days on end without the ability to drink or eat without immediately vomiting multiple times, and sometimes blood.

that being said, work has been lovely and i cannot complain at all.

the biggest news is that, as i briefly mentioned last week, i decided to end things with my boyfriend.  it is a very strange feeling because i spent so much time dreading what it would be like to actually have to do it, but i did. i was a chicken-shit about it, in that i did it via text which is just embarrassing to even admit, and i know i will be making amends to him later on in my recovery for that.  however, in my own defense, i have tried throughout our entire relationship to talk to him about important matters in person or over the phone and gotten no where.  the only way we have ever been able to have a decent conversation with results is via text… which probably says enough about my relationship to know it wasn’t going to get very far.  i’m sure you all read the stark raving mad and bitter resentful angry posts i made over the past month or so about how hurt i was feeling. that last weekend at the wedding was enough to push me over the edge.  i realized the reasons i DIDN’T want to break it off with him were ridiculous… feeling bad that he bought me an engagement ring, fearing that his mother would hate me for breaking his heart, things that had absolutely nothing to do with our actual relationship.  i am 110% certain that i have done the right thing.  we are going in two entirely different directions, and as much as i know he loves me and he would sacrifice anything for me… he hasn’t, and he hasn’t because he doesn’t want it for himself, and i WILL not make someone do something for me that he doesn’t want for himself.  i tried explaining that to him, that the reason i was breaking up with him was because we were on two totally different paths and that i knew he wasn’t ready to make the drastic changes that i was making and that i couldn’t continue in my recovery living the same life i was living before.  he couldn’t hear it, he was so upset and shocked.  i brought up all the ways i’ve tried to give him an opportunity to speak to me, to tell me what was on his mind, all the times i asked him to come visit me, asked him to do something that didn’t involve getting fucked up, all the times i set clear warning that if we could not make alternative arrangements to going to parties and bars every time we hung out that we would be doomed, but nothing changed.  and it really broke me down that during the last weekend he wouldn’t even come to bed with me because he wanted to stay up and get high .  i brought up how he must have known somewhere inside because he said himself that sunday night “i don’t know how you can stay with me when i’m always getting wasted around you” and he said something like “that was a rhetorical question”.  i don’t think he even knows what that means, but he obviously knew in his heart that him being drunk around me all the time wasn’t working.  i’ve repeated these things to myself over and over to remind myself that i’m doing the right thing.  that i love him to death and i know he loves me to death but we are both doomed for misery if we stay together.

he texted me today, we very briefly caught up… checking in on one another i guess.  i think he wanted to see if maybe i had changed my mind.  i’m not going to waste his time by telling him how i miss him.  i do, of course i fucking do, i miss the life we had, but i know that the life we’ve had recently has been full of dishonesty and discomfort and sadness… at least on my end.  he’s been playing the ignorance is bliss thing for a long time, hence the shock he was in.

but as sad as i am about it, i am even more-so relieved.  i feel like a weight has been lifted off.  i am taking my life back one day at a time and now i have so much space in my head and in my heart to dedicate to this recovery.

i’ve been going to meetings every day.  i met a girl last night who i think will really benefit my sobriety.  i’m feeling more confident that i’ll be able to get this thing down.  i started a commitment as a greeter at my friday night open meeting.  

and i know that this pain will not only help my recovery, but that someday when i tell my story in front of a room full of people, there will be a girl just like myself who hears what i went through and is therefore able to find the courage to make the necessary changes in her own life.

tomorrow will be 30 days since i drank that glass of vodka and while the past few days have been good & i haven’t been thinking about drinking, today i started thinking of it again.  and what i know is that when that happens i need to step my game up, make sure i don’t put myself in a dangerous situation.  make sure i get to a meeting EVERY night.  nip that thought in the bud by surrounding myself with sober people.

i made an okcupid profile, and even though i state very very clearly in it that i am ONLY looking to make friends… i have this shameful feeling.  any pictures I’ve seen on tumblr related to sex i get all weird like i’m almost punishing myself for having desires.  my now ex and i hadn’t slept together in a while, and my sexual identity has always been a really prevalent part of who i am and i’m not sure how to think of that.  part of me says that it has a lot to do with my disease, another part of me says that it’s human nature and i shouldn’t feel guilty about having natural desires.  i just don’t know what to think, and so as i mentioned a few weeks ago, it is becoming a bit of an obsession… the obsession now is trying NOT to think of it though.  like “no caity don’t let your mind go to that place”.

so, all that being said, thanks for reading if you even got this far.  thanks for all your sweet, kind and supportive words during this time.  i just cannot express how grateful i am for the people that have been brought into my life  through the social media recovery community… i want to save all my money to go on a recovery-tumblr-instagram-road trip and hug every single one of you who have been there for me through this.

love you all, good night <3

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