The Truth About Clowns
This photograph shows a clown attacking a donkey, while another clown is being beaten in the background.
Clounism is a severe disease that broke out in early 20th century France, entered Italy, and caused hundreds of lives in the Buffonic plague that followed. Clounism is a mutated descendent of Hansen’s disease, also known as leprosy. The contagion travels by air, but is only transmissible upon the dilation of the alveoli in the lungs, an opening triggered by laughter or coughing. Clounism gradually affects the frontal lobe and imposes on the brain a form of psychic dyslexia called Feolisto Mimosa. The body also suffers extensive degradation, as both males and female victims begin a lactation process that will only stop upon termination of life, usually caused by internal soaking and accelerated fermentation of body fluids, which in turn causes discolouration of the flesh and general souring. Expert Clounologist Bruno Blanchet explains in his book ‘Choses A Ne Pas Faire’ that while the human body is made of 70% water, the clown’s body is made of 70% whipped cream, this because of leeching through softening muscle tissues. The Clown will slowly lose primary functions, adopt an aggressive behaviour, and eventually slump to a lifeless mass. This, however, can happen over a period of 30 years. The virus first emerged in travelling circus troupes, and spread fast because of frequent and abundant exchanges of affection among the members. The photograph below shows a clean performer grieving over his infected companion who is clearly oblivious of his demise.
There have been differing opinions regarding manners of dealing with clown epidemics. The Continental Cloumanist Clan claims that clowns are not irredeemable and can be put to good use in Purple mills. As for Charlie Marceau, the spokesperson of the Clown Bounty Taskforce of America, he believes that “these creatures should be shown no mercy.” Clowns, though they were never regarded as human beings, did once upon a time serve a purpose. Their flakes were harvested for nutritional value during the famines of the 40’s. The first generation of Bob’s Big Boy coffeehouses functioned with Clown-Presses to squeeze clown bits over coffee, which made for a fine latte. But upon the discovery of epilepsy-inducing toxins in clown byproducts, the practice was put to an end. Simultaneously, a wide resurgence of farcial intolerance happened throughout the Western World. A small portion of the world still enjoys the consumption of clown, namely the island nation of Japan. In his book, Bruno Blanchet depicts his travels and gives culinary tips, such as “one can tell a clown is cooked when its nose sticks to the ceiling.”
The above photograph shows the instance of a clown attack in Japan. The family present were quietly eating their riceweed when the creature tore through the house’s paper walls and charged. The camera survived. The family did not. The very real tragedy of clounism has inspired many an apocalyptic scenario, but when Clounistic literature was banned in the late 50’s, the concept was substituted by Zombie fiction.
In my next post, I shall discuss the Island Nation of Japan.