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The Truth About Clowns

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This photograph shows a clown attacking a donkey, while another clown is being beaten in the background.

Clounism is a severe disease that broke out in early 20th century France, entered Italy, and caused hundreds of lives in the Buffonic plague that followed. Clounism is a mutated descendent of Hansen’s disease, also known as leprosy. The contagion travels by air, but is only transmissible upon the dilation of the alveoli in the lungs, an opening triggered by laughter or coughing. Clounism gradually affects the frontal lobe and imposes on the brain a form of psychic dyslexia called Feolisto Mimosa. The body also suffers extensive degradation, as both males and female victims begin a lactation process that will only stop upon termination of life, usually caused by internal soaking and accelerated fermentation of body fluids, which in turn causes discolouration of the flesh and general souring. Expert Clounologist Bruno Blanchet explains in his book ‘Choses A Ne Pas Faire’ that while the human body is made of 70% water, the clown’s body is made of 70% whipped cream, this because of leeching through softening muscle tissues. The Clown will slowly lose primary functions, adopt an aggressive behaviour, and eventually slump to a lifeless mass. This, however, can happen over a period of 30 years. The virus first emerged in travelling circus troupes, and spread fast because of frequent and abundant exchanges of affection among the members. The photograph below shows a clean performer grieving over his infected companion who is clearly oblivious of his demise.

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There have been differing opinions regarding manners of dealing with clown epidemics. The Continental Cloumanist Clan claims that clowns are not irredeemable and can be put to good use in Purple mills. As for Charlie Marceau, the spokesperson of the Clown Bounty Taskforce of America, he believes that “these creatures should be shown no mercy.” Clowns, though they were never regarded as human beings, did once upon a time serve a purpose. Their flakes were harvested for nutritional value during the famines of the 40’s. The first generation of Bob’s Big Boy coffeehouses functioned with Clown-Presses to squeeze clown bits over coffee, which made for a fine latte. But upon the discovery of epilepsy-inducing toxins in clown byproducts, the practice was put to an end. Simultaneously, a wide resurgence of farcial intolerance happened throughout the Western World. A small portion of the world still enjoys the consumption of clown, namely the island nation of Japan. In his book, Bruno Blanchet depicts his travels and gives culinary tips, such as “one can tell a clown is cooked when its nose sticks to the ceiling.”

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The above photograph shows the instance of a clown attack in Japan. The family present were quietly eating their riceweed when the creature tore through the house’s paper walls and charged. The camera survived. The family did not. The very real tragedy of clounism has inspired many an apocalyptic scenario, but when Clounistic literature was banned in the late 50’s, the concept was substituted by Zombie fiction.

In my next post, I shall discuss the Island Nation of Japan.

-David @man

The Truth About The Monkat

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Starting in 1982, several years after the very first instance of cloning, (which was one DNA strand short of a cop-out frankensheep) Genetically Modified Organisms were the scientific world’s attempt at formulating the best possible compounds that nature hadn’t thought of yet. It was a way of mooning Mother Earth, saying “CHA, we took your ideas and turned them around. Monkey + Cat and THERE: Monkat! BEST. PET. EVER.

The Monkat, commonly reffered to as the Asian Palm Civet, Musang, Toddy Cat, or Paradoxurus Hermaphroditus, was put together by one of the inventors of the Web-Cam, coffee lover and Cambridge academic Morris ‘Al’ Norris.

The Monkat has both male and female genitalia, and possesses the best of both worlds. It had the monkey’s powerful digestive system, and the cat’s anus, which makes for an organic torrefaction machine that processes coffee beans like nothing else. The Monkat noms the beans, poops them out a week later, and the brew is served on the Oprah set. This product, called Kopi Luwak, sells for as much as 450 USD a pound and can be served in many a method, such as Crappuccino, Americanful, Mochaca, Mashiato, Caffe toiLatte, and the hard-core Cafuee.

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While this particular excrement experiment was a success, many other GMO’s were absolute failures. In my next article, I will discuss the Carl Saiga Antelope.

-D@

The Truth About Bananafish

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The bananafish is a formidable freak of nature. The quick creature contains a small gland that when ingested is both a powerful hallucinogenic and a massive immunity system booster. The bananafish sparsely strives in the coastal waters of Antarctica, and is stupendously the irrefutable ancestor to the average supermarket banana fruit (that are to this day an excellent source of yellow).

In the fifth century, a creed of severely ill chinese magnates encountered a traveling fisherman who had come across a school of bananafish. They at once bought out his cargo, and bred the species secretly, ritually feeding on it and acquiring the power of the bananafish: longevity, increased stamina, and irrepressible kinkiness. The members of this secret society, already afflicted with a destructive and infectious disease known as vampirism, were rendered more powerful by this fish, able to seek out the fruits of their desires, so to speak.

These advanced men of science, unable to travel to the source of the bananafish, managed to genetically reproduce it, using alchemy and gentle jazz music. In isolating the necessary components, however, a degeneration was observed among the crops as the offsprings gradually lost vitality and eventually stopped flapping all about. By the nineteenth century, the bananafish was no more than a cloned vegetable, or fruit. Now addicted and requiring permanent doses, the vampires began to wear dried banana core over their normal size incisor teeth.

A few years later, the weakened vampire society members, strategically sprawled throughout the known world, were shocked by the assassination of Vladimir Dragul, an eccentric vampire recycled into theatre. This spawned a modern witch-hunt in Europe, and vampires migrated into Africa to stay for almost about a century. There, they tried to market the mutated and drastically diminished banana. Facing the risk of dissolution, they were forced to sell their exclusive plantations at the start of the 20th century. To the average human, the banana was still potent enough to act as the first ever antibiotic, and apothecaries have kept this flavour active in what is now used on sick munchkins.

With the commission money, the surviving vampires purchased a sailing vessel with which they undertook a suicide mission in search of the original bananafish. They headed South until they hit a giant iceberg that eventually sunk the ship. Fortunately for them, this iceberg was called Antarctica, the land of the penguins, the guardians of the original bananafish. To be continued…

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(artwork by Jason Antoon)

…in my next article, where I will discuss the surprising customs of penguin society, and also check out the the Truth About Vampires! Here is a last piece of proof:

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-D@

The Truth About Fauns

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The Saiga Antelope of Mongolia, or Great Oliphun, was a sadly dumb animal, valued for its mineral eggs, high in precious salts. The idea was to improve the Saiga’s slim chances of survival by implanting it with a superior intelligence. In 1992, astrophysicist and savant Carl Sagan volunteered his brain (and face) to be cloned onto the simple creature. This procedure created the Carl Saiga, or Saigan Antelope, a change that had unexpected repercussions. 

The geneticists were sad to witness this new organism hop around excitedly and keep good conversation for about five minutes, only to then collapse on itself and become dissolute, disappearing in thin air.

The scientists persevered, trying to stabilize these mutant beasties, only to discover almost a decade later that each of their creations, with their DNA so drastically altered, actually became unhinged in time and mostly ended up in Greek Antiquity with their minds wiped and their wild libido increased tenfold.

It is of course common knowledge that while time-travel and teleportation are indeed scientifically possible, the laws of time-space ensure stability by arranging that whoever undergoes these processes also suffers from instant amnesia, a resetting of the brain, thus preventing nasty time-loops and the likes.

In my next article, I will discuss time travel.

-D@

Facts About Penguins

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(Artwork by Haruna Akatskuki)
  • Penguins are first and foremost party animals.
  • Penguin urine glows in the dark. This comes in handy during solstice raves.
  • Penguins were the very first hippies.
  • They usually live over a 100 years. They slow down aging by “chilling the flip out.”
  • Penguins keep fit by practicing free love: three lays a day, one egg a year.
  • The penguin’s diet mostly consists of Bananafish, a natural life extender and potent hallucinogenic.
  • Consequently, penguins are high 93% of the time, or as they call it: “mellow yellow.”
  • To beat the spring, summer, fall, and winter blues, penguins occasionally get together and bang seven gram rocks. They call this practice “Peng-Winning.”
  • After a well-spent evening, it is not uncommon for penguins to storm research stations and siphon the petrol from snowmobiles.
  • Penguins love a nice icy bottle of petrol, which they call Acoola.
  • Penguins and bears are not enemies. Their cold attittude can be attributed to a professional business partnership concerning frequent Acocka deals.
  • Most Antarctic bears mine Acocka for a living. Acocka is a fine white powder that brings euphoric rushes when inhaled. It is found in glacier caverns, and is believed to be produced by microscopic snowfleas.

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  • As it turns out, polar bears are just regular bears that work their asses off in Acocka mines. 
  • Penguins like to mix Acocka in their peculiar petrol coolers, a concoction they call Acocka-Acoola. In the 1950’s, the recipe was stolen and sold in America to unsuspecting citizens.

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  • The main predator of the penguin is the vampire. Most vampires relocated to Antartica in the early 20th century to form a party commune, out of the way of the human threat. Vampires feed on penguins to get their fix of bananafish, at the same time gaining longevity. They call this “stoning two birds with one fish.”
  • Penguin skin inspired the invention of the tuxedo. Vampires made these suits as camouflage to better catch penguins. They would then wear them through the hunt’s celebrations, and the trend stuck.
  • Penguins gained their name because of the vampire lisp, inherent from a set of massive front teeth that transformed the word “Sanguine” into “Penguine.”
  • The Snares penguin is sometimes harvested for its noodly hair, which makes a mean platter of penguini, an immortal staple of Antarctitalian cuisine.

In my next article, I will dicuss immortality.

-D@

FACTS : DINOSAURS

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  • Dinosaurs still live in outer space and in subterranean lunar colonies.
  • Dinos were animals; more precisely party animals. It is suggested that this trait, plus an irrepressible competitiveness between their species lead to the destruction of their planet via either nuclear war, or badass experimental pyrotechnics.
  • Dinosaurs were highly intelligent, but utterly irresponsible.
  • When the distant Dinosaur Planet crumbled apart, its many pieces were hurled into space with various Dinosaurs still on them.

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  • These large planetary asteroids travelled more than 50 years through space, with their diverse reptilian inhabitants surviving in constant expectation of sudden annihilation. This only encouraged their Carpe Diem ways, and instead of preparing for the worst, they developed a harmonious community by living sans-le-clothes.
  • The offsprings of such orgies were the prodigal Troodons, rendered smarter by exposure to the radioactive runoff.
  • The collision with the barren planet Earth marked the end of the Partyroid’s journey.
  • Some of the dinosaurs died upon impact, hence the fossilized remains. Others died of intoxication and pure sloth on the lifeless continent of Pangea.
  • Before dying off, the smarter of the dinosaurs - the Troodons - made an attempt at colonizing Earth by planting in the soil some vegetative life samples from their travel reserves, including algae and bacteria. These seeds evolved into most of the flora seen today.
  • The Troodons - also known as Stenonychosauri because of their efficient handwriting- were unable to reproduce quickly enough and attempted to clone themselves, only managing to create stranger creatures in their image; fast-adapting fish, lizards, birds, and apes.
  • A mutation of the latter resulted in the Human Genome, or “G-nome”, or “Gnome,” the shortest, hairiest, and oldest descendants of humanity.
  • The surviving dinosaurs evolved as reptilians, who are still present today and living among us incognito as political figures, religious leaders, and media producers.

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In my next article, I will discuss Gnomes and the origin of humanity.

-D@

FACTS : GNOMES

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(Image by Mike Culhane)

  • The oldest ancestors of humanity emerged at the cradle of life with the Human Genome, or “G-Nome,” or as it was later known; the “Gnome”.
  • Gnomes lived in brotherhoods that were seclusive and extremely fraternal. Gnome communities referred to its male members as “Gnomies,” and reffered to the rare and celebrated female members as “Shorty.”
  • Short and hairy, Gnomes had great capacities of survival and abnormal longevity. 
  • Gnomes were skilled cultivators, textile workers, and they excelled at camouflage.
  • The most common cause of Gnomes being caught is their ridiculously loud chewing, which sounds a bit like “Gnom, Gnom, Gnom, Gnom…”
  • Gnomes throughout the world evolved into Hobbits, Leprechauns, Arctic Elves, Underground Dwarves, and first ever Hipsters (who were called this because of their reaching as far up as the human hips, and the same logic went for the alternate name “Dickheads”). They in turn cleaned up, lost weight, and grew a few feet to become the humans we now know. They however maintained the same size pants.

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  • Gnome descendants gradually gained height through the centuries, and the connection can still be traced back to the middle ages when the average height of humans was considerably diminished. (The picture below shows a modern man standing next to the statue of a medieval templar. The difference in size is flagrant.)

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In my next article, I will discuss the origin of the scarf.

-D@

The Truth Abt. Machine Revolts

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Over a hundred windmills were looted and burned by the Luddites in 18th century England. Or so the story goes. The Industrial Revolution Machine Revolts of Europe were driven by a trend to destroy all thing automated that might replace humans in their labour, or pose a threat to human integrity. 

The original form of artificial intelligence was the invention of mad scientist Samuel Crompton in 1779. It was an automated textile loom that - having perfectly functioned for four months in the village mill of Bolton, Greater Manchester - suddenly realized its own existence, and maimed the poor inventor who tried to stop its mechanism. This first instance of a perpetual motion machine was reason enough to summon a priest who attempted exorcism on the piece and failed. Ned Ludd, a neighboring farmer, intervened by setting the mill on fire. It is said that in response to the aggression, the windmill, of which some parts had been imported from China, reacted with great violence by swinging its wings and by some accounts, unearthing itself. From the building’s exits spawned over a dozen small-to-medium mechanical creatures that at once attacked Ned Ludd, but were eventually bashed by the mob. Ludd survived, but in a state of torpor for the rest of his life.

A famous song by Robert Calvert tells of Ludd’s inspiring exploits: “They said Ned Ludd was an idiot boy, that all he could do was wreck and destroy, and he turned to his workmates and said: Death to Machines. They tread on our future and they stamp on our dreams.”

In the following months, Ludd’s followers, calling themselves Luddites, travelled all over the country to destroy the windmills they encountered, just for precaution. The concept of possessed windmills, however, was not new to the people of Europe. Some historians say that these “ghosts in the machine” had begun acting up as early as the 17th century, when Don Quixote himself was hunting the great golems. Writer Jeff Vintar explains this singularity: “There have always been ghosts in the machine. Random segments of code that have grouped together to form unexpected protocols. Unanticipated, these free radicals engender questions of freewill, creativity, and even the nature of what we might call the soul.” Futurist Ray Kurzweil also expresses his concern that when robots will independently procreate more robots and expand their population exponentially, then fair will be fair. Regarding this impending moment in history, most experts claim what can only be paraphrased as “humans be fucked.” 

While most take it for granted that the crusade against machines ended in 1830, some believe that the machines won, took the villagers of Bolton captive, and projected upon their perception of reality a new life in which consciousness was slowed to a drip, and in which the context was a futuristic 21st century world. Indeed, some believe that we are still in stasis, stuck in the year 1830. Others blame China.

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In my next article, I will discuss the nature of reality and the five minute theory.

-David @man

Facts : Scarf VS Tie, Early Days

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The scarf has been used as a tool of protest since its inception. As previously mentioned, the scarf was the illegitimate love-hate child of the turban and the handkerchief getting hot and knotty. In this article, the scarf’s early history is discussed in reverse chronological order.

1800: Worn to protest British Politics. Political figure Ross Virgil, whose office was based in Portsmouth, was running for Prime Minister of England. As a clever marketing campaign, he contacted a French textile manufacturer across the channel in Normandy to create custom scarves sporting his name. The French manufacturer misheard, and interpreted “Ross Virgil” as “Rose Virgule,” French for “pink comma.” Upon picking up his order, Virgil was disappointed by a shipment of 3000 pink scarves stamped with fat punctuation. Right pissed off, Virgil distributed the scarves freely among the poor Normands, and unintentionally started a trend. As it turns out, the French had a funny way of tying scarves with naval knots, which evolved etymologically from “foulard-in-hand” to “four-in-hand.” Because of the pink tint and curved figure printed on them, the French called them “shrimp scarves” or “foulards de crevettes,” and so, the term “Cravat” emerged.

1700: Worn to protest against public executions. Designed to reassure members of royalty during the French Revolution, the “contre-coup,” or “cache-cou” was an elaborate padlocked silver collar that covered and protected the neck from sharp Guillotine blades. Found to be rather chaffing to the delicate skin of the Dauphin, the metal was covered by velvet cloth, which made the king look bat-shit crazy. The expression “Il a l’air fou,” transformed to “Fou L’air,” and eventually “Foulard.” This wild fashion was picked up by impressionable peasants, and got real big real fast. Truth being; King Louis was an outrageous rockstar, and Marie-Antoinette a tiger-blooded goddess.

1000: Worn to protest against the common cold. While the rich were ridiculously corpulent and thus insulated, it occurred to the poorer European farmers that if they covered their heads, necks, and torso, they reduced the chances of being “penetrated,” as it was believed, by the “demorva” or “demon of morva” who aimed for the heart via any nearby orifice.

600: Worn to protest against Vampirism. Three words: Garlic-stuffed-shawls.

200: Worn to protest against sand-storms. Dark scarves would insulate chilled-out camel-riding Tuaregs in the desert, but in the long term, tended to dye their skin blue and give them nasty sneezing fits, hence their nickname “Ah-Shtroumf's.” They much later inspired the Belgian 3D B-movie “Avaturd: Giant Hippie Smurfs Push Back.”

4000BC: Worn to protest against ugliness. Or horrible disfigurement. Or congenital disease. The first to ever wear a scarf was Yencul son of Connis. It is said that he was such an ugly bastard that he preferred wearing his meager tightie-whities over his head, as to expose less traumatizing parts of his anatomy.

I leave you with this historical recap of the use of scarves in the media.

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In my next article, I will discuss real vampirism.

-D@

Facts : Scarf VS Tie, 20th cent.

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Scarves and Neck Ties were used as tools of protest all throughout human history. Both apparels derived from the same origin; the illegitimate love-child-making of the turban and the handkerchief. Here is reverse chronology of their genealogy and various uses, from present day to the mid 20th century.

In 2010: Worn to protest against irony. Even in +25C temperature, thick scarves can be seen choking poor students in the name of fashion. Irony, of course, is best portrayed in the wearing of a scarf that is streaked or fried or carbonized, showing signs of badly practiced ironing upon the fabric. This thus “ironically” demonstrates that while a de-wrinkling clothes dryer is available to most in this day and age, the wearer insisted on relying on old school methods.

In 1970: Worn to protest against mindless office jobs. “Neck ties” symbolized a noose set around the white collar’s neck, as a means to convey “I’m already dead,” to corporate leaders, who themselves picked up the habit via pure peer pressure.

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In 1960: Worn to protest against conformity (aka hygiene). While the tie lost popularity, the scarf was called back for its customizability and utility, such as covering greasy hair. This came handy in the great Western Soap-Drought of 1962-67, after which most folks had gotten used to filth, and held no desire to escape it. Body oils made for such far out “tie-dyes,” after all.

In 1950: Worn to protest the American Night-Terrors. In post WWII America, nightmares abounded in suburban neighborhoods, bothering male household members who had fought in France. As the years rolled by, the CIA suddenly realized that this plague was no mental repercussion of battle trauma, but an actual curse put on veterans via remnants of Opiates in their respiratory system. The truth came to be known that in 1942-1945 France, much Opium was consumed. In response to this mass withdrawal syndrome, the US gov. produced and distributed the “Cacti-Scarves,” finely cut scarves lined with potent Eucalyptus oil-concentrate marketed “YU” (for YU-calyptus), so that whenever a man felt the need for haze, he could resort to a sharp whiff of his scarf. These “Cacti-Scarves” were colloquially called “Cacti’S,” and by the end of the fifties, they were known simply as “Ti’S.”

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In my next article, I will discuss the use of scarves and neck ties before the 20th century.
-D@
The Truth About Japan

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The INJ, or Island Nation of Japan, is a small country off the East coast of China. Because of its affinity to keep secrets from the rest of the world, not a lot is known about Japan. Its hermetic and protective behaviour is believed to have been a national tradition dating back to the very birth of Japan. The sudden and mysterious appearance of the Japanese island chain is estimated to have occurred in the fourteenth century, at the earliest instances of Western records. The Japanese people, of unknown origins, subsequently built their empire and created their history from the blank slate that were the virgin islands of Hokkaido, Honshu, Shikoku, and Kyushu.

In the Western world, a fascination for Japan allowed for secret research to be performed. Precious information has been gathered about Japan’s distinct esthetics, strange tastes, and unrivaled productivity. For example, the capital, Tokyo, functions in 12 hour shifts, where one half of the population will work at night and go to sleep in skyscrapers during the day, where they will gather their required sunlight as they sleep. The other half of the population will work during the day and go to sleep in the vast complexes of corescrapers, networks of underground facilities.

Another theorized reason for Japan’s edge on the world is in fact its location on the edge of the world. Some conspirators will go as far a saying that Japan has managed to render its geographical mass mobile in order to slightly modify its location and profit from the strategic placement. If this theory were true, and Japan had pinpointed the unofficial date-line, it would allow it a 25 hour day schedule as it stole an extra half hour from both sides of the globe.

Others claim that their robotics were learned early on by communicating with extraterrestrial beings.

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The above photograph shows an ancient encounter, where a Japanese monk seems to be offering what is recognized as a kilo of butter (to oil the mechanism) to a very small automaton. Some claim that it represents a time machine in which a multitude of Japanese people reside. Japanese people have the keen ability to shrink. It is a skill that takes as much as a lifetime to learn, but most Japanese people master the art of ‘Samarake' by the age of 70. They use this adaptive technique to take up less room and thus become subdued in a very crowded society. It is a form of well deserved retirement.

In my next post, I will discuss the machine revolts.

-David @man

The Truth About the World

The truth is that little is truly known about the world today, that knowledge has been twisted and lost by modern media. We have created this blog to bring back an element of truth that the user can rely on.

The Truth Abt. Franz Ferdinand

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Archduke Franz Ferdinand was heir to the Austro-Hungarian throne from 1889 onto the moment of his death in 1914. He was a not only a prince, but a globe-trotter and zoological enthusiast. He maintained an excellent liaison with Australia. The very etymology of the word ‘Australia’ can be traced to its original nick-name, sprouting from the ironic nature of Austrian humor. Australia was long known as ‘Little Austria’ because of the prominence of Austrian colonies. Austria having imported an important number of European creatures onto the continent, Australia became a point of interest when pollution decimated most of these species back in Europe. Ferdinand, firmly formulating the plan to reinstate some of these animals in Austria, took time off his royal affairs and made it his personal mission to arrange the capture, transfer and care of the beasts. Wikipedia explains: “Despite this burden, he did manage to find time for travel and personal pursuits - for example, the time he spent hunting kangaroos and emus in Australia in 1893.” While the database makes a noble attempt at honouring Ferdinand’s efforts, experts perpetrate that the rumour of his merciless killing was created in bad taste and is entirely false. While the photographs of the triumph hunter standing over his catch are widely misunderstood, they portray the effect of Ferdinand’s sheer charisma over the animals (although an opium pipe was used to tame the Oliphun, as shown below). When Ferdinand pursued animals with psychotropic substances, it was only ever to subsequently rehabilitate them into an appropriate (albeit limited) Austrian environment in which they were free to strive.

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This practice demonstrated his deep love for the fauna, and a growing obsession to preserve the species, particularly the wild Wizziwig, (a streaked feline three times as big as a big house cat), and the Oliphun, (a large blue egg-laying mammal with large bulging eyes and a digesting system built into its trunk).

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Ferdinand became a passionate zoo-keeper, and had constructed a animal care facility in the backyard Shonbrunn palace. He was well loved by the Austriches, Wizziwigs, Oliphuns, Kiwis and Kangaroos. His zeal was only matched by the one of the animal-rights activist circus troupe known as the Black Hand. The Serbian performers called themselves ‘The Black Hand’ after a monkey’s paw (actually a severed gorilla ashtray) that they carried around to remind themselves of the cruelty of man. Their organization consisted of a carnival caravan, the first one to refute the use of any animals in their show. They relied on acrobats, dwarves, fire-breathers and clowns, (which were back then glorified lepers, the clown virus to only mutate in the late 1950’s). The Black Hand acted like pirates of the high roads, attacking other circus troupes that they considered lesser for exploiting animals. 

On June 28, 1914, Ferdinand and his wife were driven into Sarajevo to visit the world renowned Sarajevo Zoo, in which an impressive family of Bo-Bears were kept. Ferdinand intended on donating an infant Oliphun that he kept on a leash by his side. It so happened that The Black Hand was also in town to coordinate the raiding of the zoo, in an attempt to free the animals. A little after one in the afternoon, Gavrilo Princip, a 19 year old contortionist and member of the Black Hand circus troupe, was headed for the agreed rendez-vous point when he crossed path with Ferdinand’s stalled vehicle. Upon seeing the Oliphun nestled between Ferdinand and his wife, Princip drew his pistol and ambushed the Prince. Princip carried out the assassination to rescue the captive animal, which he managed to release before he was himself arrested. The assassin and his fellow conspirators were then captured and convicted in what would later be called a ‘Kangaroo Trial’, where Rom-Rom, Ferdinand’s most beloved Kangaroo, was allowed to assist at the proceeding. This had only been the third recorded instance in Europe of an animal presence accepted in a court of law. The term ‘Kangaroo Court' was later coined to connote 'an irregular or mock proceeding where the judgement is determined in advance.'

The assassination of Ferdinand is said to have been a leading factor of the Austro-Hungarian declaration of war against Serbia, and eventually WWI. All this because of a little Oliphun. 

Next time, I will discuss the origins of the modern day circus, and in particular the virus responsible for Clounism, or the Buffonic Plague.

-David @man

The Truth About Sausages


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Sept. 2, 1888 was a considerable hurdle in Human bullshistory. On that day, as a million emaciated citizens of the world anticipated the irregular but yearly blooming of the Sausage-Trees, no such thing occurred.

The Sausage-Tree, or Botulus Arbori a normally benign tree, performs at a random rate of burgeoning which lasts for an entire week twice a year. By what is believed to be a form of morphic resonance, every single Sausage-Tree on the planet (though they only grow in the northern hemisphere, except for a strong exception in South East Asia) is able to perfectly synchronize their production of fruit along concordant latitudes, regardless of climate. For most of human bullshistory, these two dates were believed to come about randomly within the end-of-winter period, and the end-of-summer period. Our pre-industrial era ancestors never made it their business to prematurely expect its arrival, hence the well known saying: “Don’t peel the sausage before it’s plucked.” 

The blooming of the Sausage-Tree was instead regarded as a pleasant surprise for both nobility and peasantry alike. Starting in the late 1860’s however, specialized scientists devoted themselves to the Sausage-Tree phenomenon. Among them was Karl Weierstrass, colloquially called the “Calculus King,” who would later deny his involvement linked to the ensuing tragedy. Nonetheless, he is considered to have been a leader in the movement of Bidonology (from the alternate nomenclature Sassis Bidonis) which began analyzing the recorded patterns, and emerged with an algorithm that could accurately predict the coming of the Sausage. The formula was believed to perfected in the 1870’s, and became a standard of measurement in European calendars. The economy of several Nordic Countries became dependent on Sausage harvests. Culture was therefore adapted with a festival, where a celebration was held prior to a stretch of fasting, followed by the harvest. In the following decade, the tradition became so irrepressible that none could have foreseen the very slight discrepancy that had been overlooked in the original algorithm. Alas, humans had become too confident, too trusting in their own mathematic domination over the natural dominion. 

On Sept. 2, 1888, however, the minor numeral error resurfaced with the great retardation of the Sausage harvest, which would arrive seven entire days later than predicted. With so many relying on the reaping, having finished off their last reserves in hopes of an overnight relief, five thousand lives were lost in this culinary tragedy. The delaying of Oktoberfest shocked the German nation into a brief but nation-wide coma.

This week-long famine fiercely marked bullshistory, and inspired many an artist to create renditions of the desolation and desperation witnessed. An famous example is Vincent Van Gogh’s famous ‘Olive Trees’ paintings, which actually depicts a bare-limbed Sausage-Tree, dated 1889. 

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Never again were the whims of the Sausage Tree - or Sourkroutlett as it is know in Germany - ever taken lightly in the face of hunger. It was subsequently popularized that even in fundamentally agnostic countries, the Sausage should be treated as a unsolicited reward, a sort of mana from heaven. On the other hand, a rebel group of Counter-Wienerism made it their purpose to chop down the majority of Sausage Trees, seeing them as a threat to human integrity. It became such a vegetative genocide that throughout Europe, governments dispatched armed units to guard the trees. Since the 1980’s, Sausage has of course been genetically reproduced all year round, but the valuable lesson that sprouted from its root remains and should never be forgotten.

Next time, I will be talking about another fascinating plant, the Monkey-Chow tree and its symbiotic relation with the Monkey creature.

-David @man

The Truth About Monkeys

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For centuries, monkeys have been regarded with contempt as creatures worthy of stigma because of several common misconceptions, the first of which is most abhorring of all: the wild superstition stating that monkeys fling poo! What a preposterous prevarication to propagate!

Monkey do not fling poo for the very simple fact that they do not poo. Unlike us homo-stupiens, monkeys are not equipped with the anal orifice. That is to say, no such puncture is to be accounted for where their derriere does reside. The monkey’s butt is a blank slate, so to speak. But how? How can a monkey survive without pooping, you ask. The answer is once again a mere matter of correct research. Monkeys do not need to poo, because monkeys do not eat potential poo-food.

The second myth I shall bust before you concerns the monkey’s diet. Albeit unfairly accused of an unselective palate, monkeys do not eat bananas, nor oranges, nor bugs nor any other ridiculous ingredient (though it was recently proposed that they love for Mayonnaise is only paralleled by their rising cholesterol levels.) Normally, their feeding habits constitute solely of Monkey-Chow, a monkey’s delight.

Monkey-Chow, you see, is an auburn and spherical fruit (much like the Kaki) that grows high up in Monkey-Chow trees. The Monkey-Chow tree is a peculiar vegetative creature in that its trunk is equipped with a super effective filtering system. The latter insures that when the Monkey-Chow is ripe, it has removed any material within its flesh that would have otherwise transformed to poop in the monkey’s digestive system. Therefore, all that the monkey swallows will be absorbed by the monkey’s body. Isn’t nature phenomenal?

The last point I should like to make is to do with the fictional and arguably barbaric simian reflex to fling poo at one’s rivals. While at first glance monkeys may appear to fling poo, any thorough naturalist will concur that their brown projectiles are actually samples of the fruit known as the Poo-Nut.

The Poo-Nut, while bearing a great ressemblence to Monkey-Chow, is not to be confounded with its tree growing cousin. It should be noted that both are closely related to the Kaki (a fruit quite lowly regarded in the produce community because of its renowned Kakiness.) The Poo-Nut, however, is easily recognizable with its distinct stink, and its tendency to grow in Poo-Nut patches low to the ground. These patches emanate a good deal of heat and provide considerable cover to napping monkeys. By most standards, Poo-Nuts looks like poo, hence the source of the confusing misconception of monkeys flinging poo. 

Monkeys do use Poo-Nuts as tools of defense against predators, but never do they ingest the toxic element. The monkey’s digestive system is unable to break down Poo-Nut, and if a monkey were ever to ingest one, he would quite literally implode on the spot. It is an unfortunate mistake to witness. Few creatures are capable of such an intestinal feat, and among them is the very rare Oliphun.

In my next article, I shall discuss the correlation between Oliphuns and the assassination of Franz Ferdinand.

-David @man

The Truth About Reality

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Disclaimer: this article includes deep truths that may or may not permanently scar the more innocent of souls.

The world is young, much younger than most realize. Even Creationists greatly lack in accuracy when claiming the planet is only 24,000 years old, the truth being that the planet, our dear Earth, was simply made to look 24,000 years old. 

Imagine the statue of a man, for example, David by Michelangelo. The audience will admire this statue, recognize the age of this sculpted man, and subconsciously assume that to arrive at this stage of frozen maturation, this character was once a feotus, a baby, a child, and finally an adult, while in reality, the statue is bloody inanimate. The illusion is a fine one because the statue was created with the simulation of a past.

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In the same way, the Five Minute Theory (or Omphalos Hypothesis) dictactes that the world came into existence a mere five minutes ago, and that all traces of an extended past (including fossils, erosion, architecture, partially decayed radium, light from distant stars, all historical records, skin scars, and yes, even our own memory) were incrusted simultaneously. 

Fairly enough, this situation does not affect our experience in the slightest way, other than in reminding us that every new moment is all that we have. Since our past is imposed, or post-determined, we are able to decide against it and change our ways at any present time until it has passed, after which it slips out of our hands, and it’s onto the next situation.

This is the essence of the Five Minute Theory (or “Last Thursdayism”). Meanwhile, I shall recommend this excellent documentary film, which was coincidentally released last Thursday.

In my next article, I will discuss the origin of dinosaurs.

-D@