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I can’t wait to feel the heat of your body. To hear you whisper in my ear. To have your scent all over my skin. To hold your hand and hear you laugh and to touch you. To fall asleep in your arms and to wake up looking at your beautiful face. To traumatize you with my bad cooking. To kiss every inch of you and make love to you. To show you what a klutz I am. To cuddle in bed and watch movies together.

I can’t wait to just be with you.

I’m suffocating with my thoughts of you
Because my biggest fear came true
The love that had once burned so bright
Became nothing more than a speck of dust extinguished one night
I was just a kid, only 17
When I made this boy my everything
A tuesday in June was when it started
By friday we were together
A few bumps along the road in August
December and I knew I’d love him forever
He was funny and smart and his smile made me weak
He was tall with broad shoulders and had an accent when he’d speak
Somehow he loved everything I hated about myself
In his eyes I was beautiful and nothing else
2 years flew by, full of hours of Skype dates
And from the surface everything seemed great
Until it wasn’t

Because it wasn’t a fairytale
From the beginning we were doomed to fail
I ignored all the signs
Heard my friends’ warnings and rolled my eyes
And even when I knew it was wrong
I couldn’t help myself, I couldn’t leave, so I let it go on
He’ll change, I’d say
He’ll treat me right one of these days
I gave him my innocence and my heart
Continued waiting for him even when we were apart
Yet he couldn’t keep his hands to himself
I was just another trophy of many on his shelf
And even though it’s shameful to admit it,
He broke me

He broke my heart and my spirit
I had no pride, no self-respect
I wanted to be with him so I settled for less
And even though I gave him all I could, I gave him all my love
Nothing I ever gave him was enough
And after all the years I wasted,
He left

One day he decided it was the end
Rw’yn di garu di meant nothing to him
And for a moment I thought my life was ruined
But I’m a fighter and I’m tough
And I will survive when things get rough
I’m actually glad it happened to me
Because now I’m not weak, I’m no longer naïve
Oh

Oh those brown eyes that told me lies,
Those brown eyes that hypnotized
Those brown eyes I’ve learned to survive

I hate distance.

I hate not being able to see the person you love everyday. Not getting to watch movies or hold hands or kiss each other. Not being able to hang out with them and do absolutely nothing. Not being able to go out on dates or meet each other’s friends. Not being able to have them there for those little moments that are impossible to explain later on. 

I hate waiting to be able to talk to them. I hate worrying about them meeting someone where they live. I hate hoping that one day you’ll be able to see each other.

I hate spending every moment missing them and wishing they were with you.

Distance really sucks.

This is it. I’m ready to accept that it’s over for real. I’m letting go of all the bad memories and I’m just going to remember the good things. I’m going to be grateful that because of you I now know what love is. You made me confident and happy and you helped me get back my friendship with my best friend. So I’m going to be thankful for our relationship, even though it ended so badly.

All the pictures, all the conversations, the posts, the sad songs…I’m done with it. It’s all in the past. This is the very last time I’m going to voluntarily think of you.

I love you, I’m always going to love you. Forever. A piece of my heart will always belong to you Benjamin Vangucci. But now I’m going to find someone better. Someone who treats me even better and who actually lets me in and is faithful and honest. I’m actually kind of excited.

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When will I see you again?
You left with no goodbye, not a single word was said,
No final kiss to seal any seams,
I had no idea of the state we were in,

I know I have a fickle heart and bitterness,
And a wandering eye, and a heaviness in my head,

But don’t you remember?
Don’t you remember?
The reason you loved me before,
Baby, please remember me once more,

When was the last time you thought of me?
Or have you completely erased me from your memory?
I often think about where I went wrong,
The more I do, the less I know

I hate the way you’re never around when I need you most. I hate that you talk to other girls. I hate that I’m always more affectionate. I hate that you make me cry all the time. I hate that I always apologize when I’m not even the wrong one. I hate that you can go days, weeks without talking to me. I hate how we never talk about anything serious. I hate when you lie to me. I hate how you never make any effort. I hate that you rarely make time for me. I hate when we fight and you leave without fixing anything.

But most of all, I hate that I love you despite everything.

This distance is killing me.

I need to see you. I need to touch you. To hear your voice.

Talking to you every few days isn’t enough. I want to fall asleep next to you and wake up in your arms.

This is so fucking hard for me.

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
                                  i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

- e.e. cummings

Im nothing you want me to be.

Im too emotional; too stressed; cry too much; Im a bitch; I cant control my mood; lets face it, im not perfect. Im sorry.  

I still miss Ben.

I miss his smile and his broad shoulders and his voice and his terrible grammar. I miss telling him everything and flirting and waiting for him to be done with school. I miss talking for hours and our Skype dates and making plans and taking sexy pictures for him. I miss how happy and in love I was with him.

But I don’t miss waiting days, even weeks to hear from him. I don’t miss seeing that he was talking to other girls. I don’t miss crying from the pain of knowing all the things he was keeping from me. I don’t miss being lied to and cheated on over and over and feeling stupid for letting it slide.

Even though it hurts, I’m glad that it’s finally over. We were together over a year and I’ve learned a lot. Before him, I’d never come close to loving someone. Now I know how beautiful and amazing and heartbreaking it can be. Because of him I’m closer to my best friend than I was for years. I’m more confident.

Now I know what I do and don’t want from a relationship. I will never settle for anything less than what I deserve ever again. I’m going to find someone who treats me better and actually cares for me. Someone who will love and respect me, something I never got from him.

I’m no longer the naive and weak girl I was before I met him. I’m a strong, confident woman now. For that, I’ll always be grateful. It makes all the struggle worth it.

I can't believe I forgot to write about this.

Ben and I talked yesterday.

For months now we’ve felt really distant and I was scared to say anything because I didn’t want him to tell me he doesn’t feel the same way anymore. But yesterday I finally got the courage and I asked him if we were okay. I told him that it seemed like our feelings weren’t there anymore.

He said he thought that too.

I told him I didn’t want to get hurt and that I was scared of losing him. And then he told me that he doesn’t see his feelings changing anytime soon :3 But he couldn’t promise me that he wouldn’t find anyone else. And that he doesn’t want to hurt me.

So we talked about ending things. I was shaking and crying. I don’t ever want to end things, no matter how bad they get. And he didn’t want us to be over either.

So we decided that isn’t an option for us. We’re going to keep working things out.

And now, after telling him all my fears about what could happen with us and him listening and talking to me about them…I feel like we’re stronger than ever.

I am so, so, so happy.

How do you love someone
That hurts you oh so bad
With intentions good
Was all he ever had

But how do I let go when I’ve
Loved him for so long and I’ve
Given him all that I could
Maybe love is a hopeless crime
Giving up what seems your lifetime
What went wrong with something once so good

How do you find the words to say
To say goodbye
If your heart don’t have the heart to say
To say goodbye

I know now I was naïve
Never knew where this would lead
And I’m not trying to take away
From the good man that he is

Is this the end are you sure
How should you know when you’ve never been here before
It’s so hard to just let go
When this is the one and only love I’ve ever known

30 day LDR Challenge Part 1

Day One: Your Names

Samantha & Benjamin

Day Two: Your Ages

18 & 21

Day Three: Your Locations

Florida & North Carolina

Day Four: How did you meet?

Lol. This is awkward but we met on this site I go on called teenspot. It’s like a chat area for “teenagers” but there are a lot of creepos on there. And he messaged me in one of the chat rooms and we started talking and yeah… :p

Day Five: Since when have you two been together?

Since the very day we met pretty much. It was just an instant thing. We didn’t make it “official” until 3 days after we did tho lol. It’ll be one year next month :)

Day Six: What is the most random thing you know about him/her? And vice versa.

Hmm…I know that he has a Spongebob poster:p

He knows that I have a lot of Mets t-shirts hahaha.

I don’t know, that’s about all I could think of in terms of “random”

Day Seven: How do you communicate with each other?

MSN mostly. And skype. We’ve tried texting and the phone but it really doesn’t work with us.

Day Eight: Favorite thing you’ve given him/her?

This sexy picture that says I <3 Ben :) It was specially made just for him ;)

Day Nine: Favorite thing he/she has given me?

Honestly, his affection. I don’t know how he puts up with the stubborn, crazy, insecure mess that I am. He’s given me so much.

Day Ten: Favorite thing about him.

This is hard because I love every single thing but I think number one is that he loves everything I ever hated about myself. There are times when I’d show him a side of me I’d never shown to anyone else and he accepted it. No one has ever done that before.

I kind of told him I loved him today :)

And everything went better than expected. I feel like our relationship has changed, for the better. We talk a lot more. And it’s not just about sex with us anymore. I mean, it’s a big big big part but we actually talk about other stuff. And he makes me laugh and he teases me and we’re just a lot more playful. I’m so much more open with him, and he is with me.

I have never been so happy in my entire life. It’s crazy!