I’m feeling so emotional today, and I’m not sure why..So I think I just need to write.
Almost 4 weeks ago, I started eating clean. Much healthier. Changed how I cook. What I buy, etc. I’ve lost 16 lbs since I last weighed myself 3.5 weeks ago. Feeling pretty happy about that. I feel like lately my body has been reflecting my sadness and I’m really not ok with that.
Now, I’m doing the Fit Body Boot camp, and I feel good. I’m motivated. So thats a nice feeling.
I know that I haven’t really blogged much since having Kalen back in my life. Truth is, its hard for me to express things lately. Or maybe its always been hard.
Kalen is my life. And I am his mother. That is my identity. Since the moment he was conceived, thats what I’ve been. Kalens mommy. Everything I love and respect and hold dear to me is wrapped up in his tiny little heart. I am not sure I could ever properly express my love for him. But, I will spend the rest of my forever showing him how loved and wanted he has always been.
My inbox is filled with some support, and a lot of hate. Truth is…none of you know how my relationship with Mer was. Only her and I truly know. Yes, there was love. Yes, there was bad. On both of our parts. We are imperfect people. All of you sending me this shit won’t affect me anymore….The person I am now, and the person I was 5 months ago - two very different people. I value things more. I cherish things more. I love more. Nobody has to understand my relationship with Mer and Becs. Truth be told - I don’t fully understand it.
This is what I do know - Mer, Rebecca, and I are co parenting and co existing. And dare I say….we are building a friendship. That friendship and that co-parenting relationship is being built on honesty, trust, and a whole lot of other shit we are figuring out along the way. And its important to me.
Your support is super appreciated. And your hate is going to be ignored. I’m over it. Judge us if you must, but keep it away from me.
All I care about at this point is being the absolute best mother and me that I can be.
I know how to be Kalens mom. I’m good at it. I’m good at loving him. And now, I have to become good at loving me. Because all I really want for him is happiness and love. I want him to grow up knowing how much we all love him. 3 moms are better than one. This is our new normal…and if my son can adjust, I will adjust. :)
Now, I am going to continue bettering myself. Making myself happy mentally and physically. And focus on moving on. Moving up. Moving forward.
I’ll always be a good mommy to my son…but now I need to be a better me for ME. And for the next person that I am meant to be with.
Such is life…no giving up…thats my daily reminder to myself. Its hard, and some days I feel like quitting…but, I’ve got this.