23th-october

The 14-bis (Quatorze-bis), also known as Oiseau de proie (French for “bird of prey”), was a pioneer-era canard biplane designed and built by Brazilian inventor Alberto Santos-Dumont. On 23 October 1906, in Paris, France, it performed the first officially witnessed unaided takeoff and flight by a heavier-than-air aircraft."  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Santos-Dumont_14-bis

eating disorder clinic

On 23th October 2012 I was admitted in a special clinic for eating disorders. I was at my lowest but my body dysmorphia was so intense, that I didn’t understand why everyone was so worried.  I came into a group with 10 other teenagers, which all suffered from different kinds of eating disorders, anorexia and bulimia nervosa/ athletica or obesity. After my first examination they told me I have to drink nutrition drinks two times a day – and none of the other super thin girls had to. This was my pivotal moment: for the first time I realized that I really was in a dangerous condition.

In the first two weeks nothing happened. I ate my meals alone under ward from pedagogical workers, but gained not a single gram. The daily meals in this clinic consist of: breakfast, milky snack, lunch, sweet snack, dinner and night snack. I regularly skipped the snacks provided that the nurses weren’t attentive enough. Not before the doctor recognized that I don’t gain weight, I got a meal plan, which included only a half of the “full meals” to start with. It was so hard so that I continued skipping snacks and also the nutrition drinks as possible. Every Tuesday, Friday and Sunday I had to step on the scale and with every 100g I cried. But soon I figured out, that my weight will increase either way because I have to gain. Therefore I have to deal with it.

Together with my group I had different kinds of therapy: in movement therapy we played light active games or guided imagery programs; in art therapy we painted and worked on a creative way to come closer to our deep feelings and desires. Moreover we had conversional therapy, in group and also individual. Everyday there were many activities so that I did not have to concentrate on my bad thoughts and feelings. But sometimes there was space for them and these were the worst moments. I offended against rules: I went running and danced hours and hours in the evening to get rid of all those calories. After 7 weeks I finally was allowed to eat together with my group and one nurse. At this moment I also gained enough weight to no longer have to drink nutrition drinks. I got concluded agreements with the nutritionist to gain certain within a certain time. I never observed them and had to give away my mobile phone as a consequent. It really was a struggle.

Already after two weeks and two day of my hospital stay a girl who suffered from bulimia was admitted too and we ought to share a room. From that point on and we were soulmate up to now. She was the reason in order to be able eating everything I have to, because we agreed upon that. We cried and laughed and played and eat and eat and eat to get healthy and happy again. When she puked, I hold her hand afterwards. But I wasn’t honest all the time: sometimes I skipped snacks regardless and went running in the park. I was not strong and I did not want to get healthy from the bottom of my heart, that’s what I know today.

However, I learned very much about my body and the reason for my illness. I had my hardest and best time at once. The group and individual therapy moments were helpful, funny and sad. I’d never spend so much time with people, who were kind and pure, I’d never talked so much and I never felt that real. I achieved a great amount of self-awareness and courage. But, unfortunately, I did not gain much weight. When I left the clinic on 31st January 2013 after precise 100 day, I was only just allowed to walk stairs (before than I had to take the lift). Everyone was still worried and I was still not sure if I can do the remaining part on my own …