mama’s boy combat veteran too scared to just do it
mid twenties / male / clinician. I do very well otherwise but I am mentally fucked. I went through the long process to buy a carbine 95% like the one I had in afghanistan, and i’ve just sat there with it daring myself to press the big cosmic reset button. i’m so close.
I dated my best friend from high school for many years. we knew we wanted to get married but I was a shit boyfriend and completely ruined it, we broke up while i was out-of-country. for the past four years i’ve self-improved in any way i could possibly think of…. but i feel like i’ve harassed her, nothing crazy just trying to talk, to start over, even when i’m halfway around the world for work. she hates me. i was an infantry medic with the 173d airborne in afghanistan, i got blown up twice and saw shit i hoped i’d never see. i am PTSD’d out and if i’m not having nightmares about war i’m having nightmares about her. she keeps blocking and unblocking me, but i won’t go to her in person without her approval, i’m not that guy. i’ve had others but no other relationships compare. it’s not even about sex, i’m a heteroromantic asexual. people go MAN NO PUSSY IS WORTH OFFING YOURSELF HA HA what the fuck is that misogynistic horse shit supposed to mean
I contact her every day. it’s my only coping mechanism, doctors, pills, therapy doesn’t work. we’ve made up completely a few times, the longest for two weeks. i got to snuggle her for a whole week of that before it was time to go back to reality.
she’s with this hideous manchild right now. my nice car, my one in a million job, none of this shit matters because i am fucked up from war and i will never have a life with her. for the last four years i’ve dreamt of buttoning up my dress blues, shining and lacing up my jump boots, loading my carbine, going to his house, forcing the door and neutralizing the fucking enemy, but I know i won’t, i love her and want her to be happy. So the only thing for me to do is push the big cosmic reset button and try again.
my issue is that i love my mother, my father passed when i was very young so it’s been basically us. i can’t do this to her, i’m scared of what would happen. i want to, but i can’t. she’s so proud of me, i need a way to make her hate me so i can do this. my life is nonstop flashbacks and bad dreams, I want to try again
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