Maybe it’s in comparison to yesterday’s disaster of a day but today has been a little better, not 100% but at least it’s an improvement.
I weighed myself this morning and I was 128lbs, not ideal but at least it’s not 129.4lbs like yesterday. I am giving myself until the end of the month to get back down to 125lbs healthily…. remember HEALTHILY, lots of gym and lots of fruit and veg.
I went to my therapist today and I felt like I wasn’t broken enough to be there but maybe it was due to the fact that it was junkie day at the hospital, so many junkies, I tried to set myself aside by looking all clear eyed and receptive. I didn’t get much from today’s session though, she asked me to stop saying ‘should’ and start using ‘could’ because it puts less pressure on oneself and therefore squashes the potential to FAIL. We were also talking about my ‘real self’ and my ‘ideal self’ and how I get lost in trying to be everything for everyone that I fog up who I really am.
I came home to a nice cup of tea and geared myself up to go to the gym. I done 20mins running at 11km/hr and 5mins walking, I rowed for 10mins and done some weights, core, and stretching. All-in-all, I was quite pleased with myself, that was until I got home and binged. I had a lovely soy fruit homemade smoothie but then I ate a shit-load of dried fruit and nuts, a marzipan praline log, an xmas pudding with cream and custard. I through up sooooo much, because I remembered to drink some water in between so I didn’t have to try so hard to purge.
I walked down town to meet Jason and we walked up together and for dinner I had, boiled salad potatoes with a tub of hummus and smoked salmon. Still not sure about the healthiness of my dinners though, I’m not sure how it’s sitting at the moment but I know if Jason were to leave now, I would binge again.
Tomorrow shall be a packed day though, I have a doctor’s appointment at 9:30 so I can be up nice and early and I have a few errands to do in town so I will have lots of walking done. I am already daydreaming about tomorrow’s binge though, chocolate and biscuits and yum yum yum, I feel like I’ve let myself down already.