Prompt: Jared/Richard: On the DL. Three times Richard denied he was sleeping with Jared, and one time he finally admitted it.
Richard is laughing as he enters the house, listening to a story Jared is telling about his old coworker.
“And see, here’s the important part, she knew it was caught the entire time.”
“I believe the HR rep referred to it as, soliciting reactions from her coworkers.”
“Man,” he watches Jared go into the kitchen as he makes his way over to his computer. He sits down and when he looks up literally everyone in the room is staring. “What?”
Gilfoyle crosses his arms and leans forward. “So when you two fuck do you quote trivia facts to each other?”
Richard shakes his head, incredulous. “I’m not sure what you mean.”
“Oh come on Richard we all saw that.” Dinesh sighs. “Honestly we’re not clueless.”
“And if you think we’re prejudiced it’s not because we are, we just think he’s a giant tool.”
“One of those useless kitchen gadgets that only does like, one thing.” Dinesh adds. “He’s probably a melon baller.”
“Or that useless toast tongs rich white people buy.”
“Guys we’re not fucking. I’m not fucking Jared. He’s not fucking me. No subset of that is happening.” Richard puts on his headphones and gets to work.
“Richard, get in here,” Erlich calls from the kitchen.
“Why always the kitchen,” Richard mutters. He’s not even certain Erlich has a bed sometimes. Whenever he’s trying to find him he has way better luck in the kitchen.
“I don’t approve.”
“Of what?” Richard sighs.
“I already know you don-”
“You can do so much better. Honestly that guy? You do remember Monica asked you out for drinks right? Monica? Remember her?”
“What are you talking about?”
“You’re definitely fucking Jared. I’ve seen those looks on other people Richard. I know what a ‘we just fucked face’ looks like.”
Richard makes a disgusted face and goes to the cupboard. He might as well get a snack while he’s out here.
“Richard we’re not done-”
“I’m not fucking Jared, Erlich. I’m just… I’m not.”
“You can’t fool me Richard.”
Richard rolls his eyes and grabs a granola bar.
“Seriously Richard, we’re not judging you. We just need to know, because I need to know what furniture to avoid.” Erlich is staring him down.
“We’re not fucking! Why won’t you guys believe me!”
“Because someone has a new condom brand and it’s definitely not Dinesh.”
“What the fuck Gilfoyle you don’t know that.”
“I do know that. You know it’s true. Don’t give Richard an out.”
“Fine, but I could definitely be having sex.”
“Sure you could.”
“Will you fucknuts stop arguing and berate Richard for hiding his sex life from us?”
“Guys I’m not having sex with Jared! I’m not having sex with anyone.”
Jared enters the room with his laptop. “Richard? we have some work to get done.”
“Right, yes. Thank you.”
Richard bolts after Jared.
“They’re probably fucking right now.” Gilfoyle shakes his head.
And one time he finally admitted it
“Hey, guys? can I get some advice?”
Erlich sets down his bong. This is serious business. “So we’re finally going to talk about you fucking Jared.”
“Wh- no, no um… why would you… why would you say that?”
Dinesh stands. “Richard, you’re asking us for advice, which you never do.”
Erlich adds, “and we are well voiced in the subject.”
“Fuck you, I’ve had sex.”
“But you’re not well versed. Erlich and I know women.”
“So, Richard, what woman are you fucking if it’s not Jared?”
“Jared.” They’re all shocked. “I mean, not Jared in the sense… he’s not a woman it just… it answers your question so…”
“Holy fuck.” Gilfoyle’s eyebrows go up.
“You motherfucker.” Erlich smacks Richard on the back.
“Okay, sure, um… what do I do?”
“You’ve been fucking for weeks and you don’t know what to do.” Gilfoyle nods once. Richard takes a deep breath.
“Um… we… we did a…” He makes a lewd gesture and shakes his hands out. “Uh-”
“It’s called anal Richard we’ve all pretended we’ve done it.” Richard turns beet red. Erlich groans. “What’s the problem then?”
“I just… I don’t… what now? Um… what do I do?”
“Wait,” Erlich huffs, “are you asking for relationship advice?”
“Congratulations Richard, I am the most experienced out of this group.” Gilfoyle holds out his hand. “I will guide you down this path.”
“Jesus,” Richard rubs his face.
“You literally had sex like, twenty minutes ago didn’t you.” Dinesh groans. “Richard-”
“You just left him in there. What is this a pity fuck? One and done?”
“No! I just want… I-”
“Get your ass back in there! Relationship rule one, stay in the fucking bed.”
“This advice sounds…”
Erlich shoves him. “Go!”